


I Want It, I Got It

by Yiffandquiff (princesslexi763)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, M/M, Masturbation, Normal!Phil, Sexual Content, Smut, famous!dan, moviestar!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-10-13 04:28:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 73,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17481176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/pseuds/Yiffandquiff
Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie starring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahh look at me. Starting another chaptered fic. Remember how I said a while ago that I hoped to have a fic to begin posting by Valentines Day? Well, this isn’t the fic. But I’ll take it lol I know I have a very bad track record lately of completing what I’ve started but I have 10k written on this fic already so I’m set for the next like five weeks which gives me plenty of time to finish the fic! Every one when I asked wanted this fic and I’m so glad because I’ve really grown to fall in love with it! 
> 
> As always: I’m not an expert, nor a movie star or anything, so I’m not saying any of this accurate. I just thought this might be how it goes. But I hope you all enjoy it anyway! Happy reading!

“Dear Workers, The BBC Studio will be closed for the next week to accommodate the filming of a new featured film starring Daniel Howell and Mimei Lake. During this time, you will have to work from home on any projects you may be in the middle of. A select few of you will be asked to work on the set as extras for the film. We’ll email those we selected by the end of tomorrow.

Hope this isn’t a hassle and apologies for any inconveniences.

Corporate”

****

“Did you read the new email?” Phil turned his head to his friend PJ sitting next to him in their office. “They’re actually closing down the whole building just to film a few scenes for one movie.”

Phil, coffee in hand and his laptop open to said same email, sighed. “It’s a Daniel Howell movie. Of course they’re shutting down the entire building.”

PJ rolled his eyes. Everyone knew of Daniel Howell. He was only the biggest actor in Hollywood right now. But that didn’t mean that everyone shared in on the fangirling when it came to his name being mentioned. “The BBC is gonna be untouchable all next week. I don’t even wanna know how many girls and guys are going to flock here to meet him.”

“He doesn’t do photos and autographs though?” Phil brought up, setting his mug on the table and shutting his laptop down. His work was nearly done anyway for the day.

“Still never stops the fans.” PJ says, tipping his head. “He’ll mention he’s in London on his Instagram or Twitter and then it’ll be over.”

Phil nodded. Yeah, that sounds pretty much correct. “Fair enough.”

“Who do you think they selected to work on set?” PJ asked. “I reckon they chose some of the interns because that they don’t have to pay them.”

“I hope it’s not me.” Phil says immediately. “God, the less I have to be here during this time, the better.”

“It’s gonna be impossible to even get here.” PJ adds. “They’re gonna block off all of the streets to accommodate Daniel’s massive trailer that he lugs everywhere.”

“I don’t even want to imagine.” Phil says. “I’d much rather just stay in my flat with Spike and work on my laptop.”

PJ nodded in agreement.

Just as PJ began to speak again, the door to their office opened and their coworker Gemma walked in, her expression giddy and a smile plastered on her lips. “Did you two see the email?”

Both PJ and Phil nodded.

“How are you both not more excited about this?” Gemma exclaimed. “Daniel freaking Howell is gonna be walking around our building! He could sit in your chair right now. Or use my office as a set. Or―”

“He’s just another person.” Phil interrupted her.

“But he’s not though!” Gemma shot back with a smile. “Oh, you two don’t get it.” She waved her hand and walked further into the office. She pulled out a chair at the desk next to Phil and plopped down.

“There isn’t much to get.” PJ countered. “He’s just a bloke who happens to be good looking and also a major celebrity.”

“So you do get it!” Gemma pointed out. “I really hope I’m one of the ones corporate selected to work on set as an extra. I would give anything to stand in the same room as Daniel Howell.”

“They’re probably just going to choose interns.” Phil says. “I doubt they’ll choose any of their paid employees.”

“I wonder if I email corporate if they’ll bump my name on the list and I can do it.”

Pj shrugged and tapped his pen against his forehead. “Doesn’t hurt if you really want to do it.”

“I’m steering clear of this building while he’s here.” Phil comments, picking up his now ice cold coffee mug and taking a sip, cringing at the taste of it.

“What do you have against Daniel Howell?” Gemma asks, folding her arms over her chest.

“He’s just another celebrity.” Phil says. “He’s pretentious and rude.”

“You don’t know that.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “It’s common knowledge.”

“What? That every celebrity is a dick?” Gemma asked, her voice clearly laced with tension. “Isn’t that a bit shallow minded?”

Phil shrugged. “Change my mind but until then, I’m gonna stand by it. I doubt any celebrity like Daniel Howell is down to Earth.”

Gemma scoffed. “Well, I for one think that it would be brilliant to work alongside him.”

Phil chuckled and took another sip of his cold coffee. He definitely didn’t want to work alongside Daniel Howell but he had to admit that it was endearing to see Gemma swooning over the actor.

Once Gemma left, Phil began to pick up his things and prepare to go home for the night. He stuffed his laptop in his backpack and then through in some of the folders he needed to complete the advertising project he was assigned to do for the BBC Radio 1 show.

He and PJ left the BBC at the same time and headed to the tube to go back to their flats. They lived in opposite areas of London but they saw each other often outside of work.

When Phil got to his flat and he opened the door with his key, he was immediately greeted by the excited yips of his puppy Spike. He was a ten month old Corgi that Phil adopted as a puppy. Spike kept him busy and less-lonely on nights where he wished he wasn’t thirty one and hopelessly single.

He bent down and scratched Spike’s belly as he rolled around on his carpet from excitement. Phil eventually stopped petting Spike long enough to go to the kitchen and check his food bowl and water. He knew his brother came over sometimes to let out Spike while he was at work so he sometimes fills up his food and water.

Today was one of those days. His food bowl was heaping over and his water was clean and clear. Martyn just came over not that long ago then. He made a mental note to text Martyn but in the mean time, he called Spike over to his door that lead to the courtyard and hooked a leash on his collar to take him outside one more time for good measure.

After being done, Phil let Spike go back into the flat. He immediately ran over and flopped onto his bed next to the couch and closed his eyes to take a nap. Phil sat down on the couch and looked over his phone, catching up on any notifications he might have missed while he was on his way home.

He saw a notification for an email and he sighed. It was probably some junk mail that some store was sending him. He got them a lot from Topman but to be fair, that’s where his entire wardrobe comes from.

He unlocked his phone and clicked on the email notification and waited to load it up. Once it did, he felt all breath leave his chest.

“To: Philip M. Lester.

Good Evening! If you have seen our emails from this morning you would have seen that the BBC will be closed for the filming of a feature film. Effectively 15th of January at 10pm until 9am on 25th of January, the BBC offices and building will be closed for filming.

However, after careful consideration, we would appreciate your help at the BBC during filming as a film extra. You should report to the BBC by half past 7 on the 15th of January.

If you have any question, email us back. This is part of your scheduled job and you will need to report when assigned.

Corporate”

Phil laid down on the couch and groaned.

Of course his luck would have it this way. Of fucking course this would happen.

***

“So we both got stuck coming didn’t we?”

Phil looked at PJ, his eyes still blurry from having to wake up so early. He didn’t even bother to put his contacts in today, he just threw on his glasses and said forget it.

“Guess so.” Phil says, standing beside PJ on the tube. Their stop was the next one. In the morning, they always ended up on the same tube before they got to the BBC. “This is going to be a disaster.”

“It already is.” PJ answers. “Did you go on Twitter this morning?”

Phil shook his head and pulled his phone out of his pocket. But he should have known he wouldn’t have any service while on the underground.

“It was a Twitter moment that Daniel Howell was spotted in London about to begin filming. He also tweeted, in true form, that he was going to be in London for a few weeks.”

“Oh great.” Phil said, rolling his eyes. “So what you mean is that the BBC is gonna be like impenetrable force?”

“Yep.”

Phil sighed and the tube stopped, the doors opening. They stepped outside and wandered through the crowds to the exit. Once they walked out of the tube station, it was over. They saw the crowds beginning already. Hoards of teenagers and even some adults all screaming and holding signs behind a barrier of police.

“Oh my gosh.” Phil exclaimed. “This is absolute madness!”

“Well, here we go, Lad.” PJ said, hooking his arm with Phil’s and yanking him across the street to the main entrance of the BBC.

They were nearly there when they were stopped by police, asking what they were doing. As soon as they both flashed their BBC badges, they were let inside to even more madness going on.

People were running around everywhere. There were sections of the building completely taped off and there were offices on the first floor that were being blocked by people in front of the door.

They continued walking inside and were greeted by a woman with a clipboard. “Can I get your names?”

“PJ Ligouri.”

“Phil Lester.”

The woman looked over the clipboard and smiled and looked at them both. “Welcome! If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to where you need to be.”

Just as they were about to walk and follow the woman, loud cheering and screaming began behind them, just outside the building. Looking out the door, Phil could see him

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like my work, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi as I currently don't have a functioning laptop and have to write all of this fic on my iPad. Donating is not necessary but here is the link if you would like to. [Ko-Fi](https://www.ko-fi.com/alexis0830)!


	2. Chapter 2

Daniel Howell. 

He was walking with a black hoodie on, the hood up over his hair. Sunglasses were perched on his face, covering his eyes. He was being rushed inside by a set of guards around him. When they reached the door, Daniel stepped inside and pushed the hood down to reveal curly hair. He kept the sunglasses on though. Immediately people began to run for his side, surrounding him and asking him questions. 

He was shuffled to one of the rooms that was guarded and he disappeared inside with the hoard of people following him. 

“I didn’t just imagine that, right?” PJ asked in a whisper as the woman began to show them to where they needed to be. 

“Nope.” 

“That was actually Daniel Howell.” 

“Yep.” 

PJ blew out a breath and Phil just nodded. Because he really didn’t want to admit it but he was a little bit star struck. 

Even if he didn’t get much of a look at him. 

“So both of you are set to be the extras in this office right here. Literally all you have to do is when we announce we’re filming, you’ll sit in these two office chairs.” She points to these two vacant seats around a table. “And you’ll just talk with each other. You’re honestly not going to really be in the movie. Just in the background.” 

She brought them to a separate that had a paper sign that said “Extra’s lounge” on the outside. “In the meantime, can you fill out these simple forms giving us your consent for filming you? The BBC has done all of the other paperwork, but we just need a written signature from you both.” 

She handed a sheet of paper to them both and a couple of pens. “We’ll call for you when you’re ready but you both can just hang out here until then.” 

“Love that the BBC volunteered us to be extras and we’re just going to be sitting here all day on our arses waiting for them.” 

Phil sighed and scrabbled his signature on the form, remembering what the BBC had emailed him the night before about this being a scheduled work day for him technically. 

“I don’t even recognize anyone here from our department.” Phil says, looking around the room to see what looked like random people all on their laptops or cell phones. 

“Gemma must be crushed right now.” PJ says with a slight chuckle. “I mean, I feel bad that she’s not here but at the same time, it’s probably for the best. Especially with our little viewing of Daniel earlier.” 

“You got to see Daniel Howell?” A voice from the corner pipped up and Phil turned his attention to the male. “Where did you see him?” 

“He was walking into the building.” Pj says, nodding his head. 

“Oh wow.” The male says, sitting on the edge of the rolling chair he was poised in. “Do you think our scene will have him here?” 

“I doubt it.” Phil says, cutting the person off. “The woman who greeted us at the front door told us that we’d barely be in the movie. Just in the background.” 

“So the BBC is wasting our time by having us here?” 

“Pretty much.” 

There was a collective sigh throughout the room and Phil sat back in the chair, pulling his phone out of his pocket. This was going to be a long day. 

Phil unlocked his phone and went to Twitter. He was immediately greeted by the same Twitter moment that PJ had told him about before. The one with Daniel Howell being the front page story. 

He clicked on the Twitter moment and read through some of the tweets. 

@ **danielhowell**

 _Just arrived in London! Here to film a new movie for a few weeks._  

 

to@ **danielhowell**

 _Why didn’t you sign any autographs? Fans were waiting for hours!_  

 

to@ **danielhowell**

_Me and my friend waited all morning for a photo and you never even stopped! #rude_

@ **danielhowell**

_I really appreciate all you guys but I would like my privacy while filming and on set. I appreciate you all immensely but please do not wait around where I am._

to@ **danielhowell**

 _if you didn’t want people to know where you were, then why tweet your location?_  

@ **danielhowell**

_I like to keep my fan’s updated but that’s not a reason to follow me. I’d much appreciate the privacy. Xxx_

Phil exited off from Twitter and went to Instagram next. He scrolled through his feed and didn’t see anything new so he went to exit when he decided he would try to see what his explore page had. He might be able to keep himself occupied with some dogs or slime. 

Low and behold, Daniel Howell’s Instagram was the first photo to come up on his explore page and he curses the fact that all social media platforms are essentially linked in this way. 

But he finds himself clicking on the photo and looking at it. 

It’s a photo of Dan with a dog in his arms. The caption reads: the only reason I come home for christmas sorry literally every other family member. 

Phil hasn’t ever kept up with celebrities enough to know much about them but Phil has to admit that if that was Dan’s dog, it was a cute dog. 

“I see you Instagram stalking Daniel.” PJ says over his shoulder. 

Phil jumps and closes out of the app. 

“You don’t have to be cheeky about it.” PJ continues with a laugh. “I don’t mind if you secretly fancy him and get off to his photos in your spare time.” 

“Peej!” Phil exclaimed as PJ stifled a laugh. “For your information, his photo came up on my explore page and I happened to click on it.” 

“Oh...happened to click on it. Right mate.” PJ says with a laugh. “Cheers.” 

The door to the room they were in opened and the same woman that had spoke to PJ and Phil earlier was peeking her head in. “PJ and Phil, we’re ready to film part of the background scene you’re in. If you want to give me your forms and follow me, we can get you in and out within a few hours.” 

Phil wanted to groan. A few hours?! He could have been at home with Spike but instead he had to have Martyn come over and have a play date with Spike because he didn’t know how long he was going to be. 

He stood up and grabbed the paper and then he followed PJ out of the office. The women directed them to a smaller office on the other side of the floor where there were already people waiting with the cameras and lighting set up. 

“Okay, we just need you both to go sit in those chairs and talk. That’s literally it. Just keep as calm and relaxed as possible.” 

Phil nodded and walked over to the chair and PJ followed and sat down as well. The director was sitting in his chair a fair ways away from them and the way the cameras were situated made Phil feel a little bit better because his limited film knowledge gave him the impression they were definitely not the focus of the shot. 

And that became even more clear that they were not the focus of the shot when he caught someone walking to set out of the corner of his eye. And that person was currently speaking to a shorter woman next to him as he walked closer to the director. 

Daniel Howell was going to be in this shot too. And he was standing right there on the edge of the set, with his hair perfectly styled and his suit impeccably tailored―completely wrinkle and spot free. And when he flashed a smile at the director, it was actually blinding. 

“Phil...” 

Phil snapped out of his stare and turned to PJ. “Huh?” 

“You were ogling him Phil. Like full on drooling.” 

“Was not.” Phil says, settling into the chair and putting his arms over his chest. 

The director interrupted them and went over how the scene was going to go and then before they knew it, they were filming and it was happening. It didn’t feel too terribly awkward but Phil found it hard to carry on a conversation with PJ in the background while Dan was filming a scene less than ten feet in front of him.

When the director yelled cut, a bunch of people immediately ran over to Daniel and began to prod him and redo his hair and makeup although Phil couldn’t see where there was any change in what he looked like. 

As he continues to watch and stare at Daniel, Daniel suddenly turns and looks at him. It’s a quick glare but it reaches inside of Phil’s soul. It’s like their eyes met and just sunk into each other. 

But then, as if the small glance wasn’t enough, Daniel lifted his chin and flashed him a big smile before drawing his lips into a tight line and turning to go back to the makeup artist who was brushing something over his forehead. 

“Daniel just smiled at me.” 

“Never pegged you as a fan girl.” PJ joked. “Not after all you said about him yesterday.” 

“But this was a genuine smile.” Phil comments. “Like he looked right at me and smiled.” 

“Calm down, mate.” PJ laughed. “I’m sure he smiles at most people. He’s not a robot.” There was a pause. “Besides, how did your mind change so fast after all you said yesterday?” 

“I’m not saying my mind changed!” Phil countered. “I’m just merely commenting that he smiled at me and it was...” 

“Phil, you’re actually going to have an anxiety attack over this. Calm down. It was just a smile.” 

Phil huffed but he found himself laughing. PJ was right. It wasn’t something to get worked up over. 

Phil doesn’t know how many times they called to redo the shoot but he was extremely glad to be done so he could head home. He was dismissed a little later into the afternoon with PJ and they exited the BBC building ready to go back to their flats and take a nap. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be every Wednesday at 4pm and every Sunday at 1pm EST
> 
> If you like my work, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi as I currently don't have a functioning laptop and have to write all of this fic on my iPad. Donating is not necessary but here is the link if you would like to. [Ko-Fi](https://www.ko-fi.com/alexis0830)!


	3. Chapter 3

Phil didn’t realize how exhausted he actually would be.

When he said his goodbyes to PJ and headed for the tube station, he made a quick stop to a Nando’s and picked up some lunch before he caught the tube and headed home.

As soon as he was through the door, he saw Martyn sitting on his couch with Spike sleeping on his lap. He was watching some Netflix nature documentary on Phil’s TV and eating some sort of a half-made sandwich that Phil figured he scrounged together after going through his fridge.

“How was Spike?” Phil asked, distracting Martyn away from the documentary.

Martyn picked up the remote and paused the documentary. “Mostly just slept.”

At the sound of his name, Spike had already perked up and was ready to jump down from Martyn’s lap and run over to Phil. He jumped down on his tiny paws and patted his way over and Phil bent down, petting his gently on his back.

“How was the set, famous actor?”

“Shut it, Martyn. I was only there because the BBC required me to be.” Phil said as he sat down beside Martyn on the couch and began to unpack his Nando’s bag. He fished out his chicken wrap began to undo the packaging as Spike sat at his feet and hoped to be fed as well.

“Do you get to see the famous Daniel Howell?” Martyn asks, reaching into his bag and stealing a chip.

“Yeah, actually. We shared a quick moment.” Phil answered as he took a bite of his wrap and then broke off a piece of chicken and gave it to Spike.

“What happened? Martyn asked, stealing another chip.

“We met eye to eye and then he smiled at me.”

“Oh damn. When’s the wedding?”

“You’re an ass.” Phil swatted at Martyn’s arm. Martyn just laughed. “I know it doesn’t really mean anything but the way he stared at me was just...something else. And that smile he flashed at me was like no other smile I’ve seen.”

“Phil,” Martyn punctuated. “You’re acting like a love sick teenager. He’s a celebrity. He probably flashes that smile at everyone.”

“But...”

“You’re really about to argue this?” Martyn laughed. “Lad has you ready to go to bed and you’ve never even spoke.”

Phil rolled his eyes and finished his wrap, throwing the container into the bag. He pulled out his chips and groaned when he saw Martyn had ate almost all of them.

“I don’t know, Martyn. It was different.”

And Phil still stood by that even into the afternoon as he found himself suddenly wanting to look Daniel up on social media. He started with Twitter first and he went through and saw all of his tweets―or rather lack there of. Daniel didn’t tweet all that much. But when he did it was often kind of comical. He liked talking about memes which was different than what he was expecting.

From his Twitter, he ended up going on Instagram. Phil had to admit that Daniel’s Instagram photos were near flawless. It was no wondering he had nearly 20 million followers on there and received about 5 million likes a photo. It was kind of amazing compared to Phil’s measly two thousand followers that he’s gotten over the years.

He went through the photos and he reads through some of the comments on them. Most people talk about how much they love and some even get replies back from him if they’re lucky.

He scrolls back up Daniel’s profile to the picture of him and the dog and he looks it over, smiling. There was something about Daniel and Phil thought he was finally understanding the hype behind Daniel. The reason why People Magazine called him one of the sexiest men alive. Because Daniel was attractive. He was actually stunning.

And just like that, with a defeated sigh, Phil realizes he’s developing a stupid crush on him and there is nothing he can do. He’ll probably never see Daniel again.

***

Turns out never seeing Daniel again was completely false. He got an email from the BBC two days later asking if he could go to the BBC and help out. Phil didn’t know what they meant by help out but he still reported to the BBC anyway on the day that they asked.

Arriving at near seven in the morning with a Gregg’s coffee in hand, Phil arrived to the BBC once more with a crowd of people waiting outside. He could hear scenes being shot in the distance somewhere in the building and he really did not know what he was supposed to be doing.

The same woman from before met up with him, this time introducing herself as Mabel. “So we loved you as a background extra in the scene before so we decide to bring you back for another scene. That is of course if we still have your full consent for it.”

Phil nodded slowly. “What am I going to be doing?”

“So it’ll be a scene with Daniel. There will be no words or anything. You’ll be standing in the coffee room with a group of other background actors, Daniel will come in, stand beside you, grab a coffee, and then that’s it.”

Phil furrowed his brows. “Is that all?” He asked. “Why me specifically for this scene?”

Mabel smirks at him. “Daniel requested you.”

Phil sputtered, nearly dropping his coffee cup on the ground. “He doesn’t know me?”

“Well, he asked for the ‘black haired male from the scene before’ and we kind of figured out he meant you.” She said.

Phil felt flustered. There was so much he could unpack in that moment but instead, he was being rushed off to the set of the coffee scene. Mabel took his coffee off the side and then instructed him on how the scene was going to go. Phil felt somewhat reassured to know that Mabel wasn’t positive if the scene would be in the final cut but he still was intrigued being a background extra.

Who knew that the BBC telling him he had to report here worked in his benefit?

He got into place with all of the other actors and they all got ready for whatever was going to happen.

Then Daniel walked in and it was like a different dimension again. His smile that he flashed to those he walked by and that perfectly styled hair. Once again, Phil got it. He got why so many people are infatuated with Dan because he’s infatuated too. He’s never been like this with someone before. It’s weird. It’s strange. He doesn’t know how to react...for fucks sake Daniel asked for him to come back just for this scene. Isn’t that a bit unusual?

“Hey mate.”

And now Daniel was talking to him? He felt his palms sweat and his heart beat through his chest.

“Hey.”

He’s trying so hard to keep his cool but he’s losing it fast. He turns and looks at Dan, all dressed up in that business attire they had him dressed in. Phil’s not even entirely sure what this movie is about but he could care less if it meant he was now being stood in the same scene.

“I feel like this is probably awkward,” Dan says, bringing his lips into a tight line. “But they were asking me who I wanted in this scene and I don’t know, I just thought you did really well in the scene from a few days ago. You were like natural?”

Phil blushed, his skin flushing red. “Oh thank you. I did the multimedia and film masters program at the University of York.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow and nodded. “Could have fooled me.” He said. “Never would have thought you had experience in this field.”

Phil felt his stomach drop a little bit because he wasn’t entirely sure what Dan meant by that. But this was Dan. This was the biggest celebrity in Hollywood right now. He needs to remember this.

The director started and he did exactly what Mabel had explained to him. Within just a few moments, the director was yelling cut again and then it was over. The scene was done. The director said that they got their shot and then they were all leaving the set.

He’s leaving the BBC when he hears someone come up behind him. He half thinks that maybe he left something at the set but he’s quickly mistaken. The person behind him is wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans.

Phil can’t figure out who this person is until his eyes focus on the face covered by the hood and he realizes that this is Daniel Howell standing there, coming after him. Daniel Howell...wants to catch up with him?

“Hey!” Daniel called. “Can I get your name? You seem like a super nice person and not like a totally crazed fan girl.”

“Oh! Yeah.” Phil stumbles awkwardly. “It’s Phil Lester.”

“Do you have a Twitter or an Instagram?” Dan asks, pulling out his phone from his pocket.

“You can find me under the url amazingphil.”

“Amazingphil?” Dan snickers. “That’s kind of amazing actually. Where did you come up with that?”

“It was a university thing.” Phil said, blushing. “It just kind of stuck.”

“I wish I had a cool nickname like that.” Dan muttered to himself. “But sadly, I...”

“Dan! You’re wanted on set in twenty minutes and Kirsten is requesting you in hair and make up.”

Dan shoots Phil an apologetic glance and then flashes a smile to him again. “I’ll see you around!”

And then he’s gone. He’s walking back towards the people who called for him.

And really, Phil is left standing there, completely awestruck. He’s not even sure that what just happened was even real. Was any of this real? He couldn’t tell.

He pinched his thigh. He definitely felt it. So no, he wasn’t dreaming.

He actually just had a semi-successful conversation with the Daniel Howell.

He might actually faint.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil gets back to his flat with Spike and spends his evening watching the new season of Attack on Titan. He hadn’t gotten around to watching it since he was so busy. Laid on his couch with Spike curled up next to him felt good though.

He felt content and relaxed for once. No real BBC projects going or anything that took up a massive chunk of his time. It was just nice again to have nothing to really do.

His phone vibrated on his lap and he picked it up. First, he saw he had a text from PJ asking if he was interested in coming to his flat for dinner with him and his girlfriend Sophie some time this week. But the other notifications set his mind ablaze.

Dan had went through and liked every single one of his Instagram photos. And he’d followed him. It shouldn’t feel like a big deal but it was. Daniel fucking Howell talked to him today and now he’s following his social media and liking his posts. It feels like a whirlwind of a ton of emotions all at once.

It feels slightly overwhelming.

He quickly goes on his Twitter and sees that Daniel has followed him there as well. He scrolls through Daniel’s Twitter to see his new Tweets and then he decides to do a bit of lurking and see what other people are saying of Daniel.

He searches for Dan’s name and then he begins to scroll through the tweets. Reading them forms a massive pit in his stomach.

 

To **@Danielhowell**

 **@herohowell** : Who is that amazingphil that you’re liking all of their photos on Instagram????#whoisshe

 

To **@danielhowell**

 **@dantrash0001** : Why did you just follow this guy named amazingphil??

 

To **@danielhowell**

 **@danofficialfanpage** : How is filming going? You seem stressed.

 

To **@danielhowell**

 **@holly_rivers98** : *Picture Attached*

Who are you talking to inside the BBC?

 

The picture is a grainy photo of him and Daniel talking just beyond the doorway of the BBC. You can barely make them out.

 

To **@holly_rivers98**

 **@howellformore** : That looks a bit like the amazingphil he just followed??

 

To **@howellformore**

 **@holly_rivers98** : Do you think?? It’s hard to tell.

 

Phil stopped reading them. It was slightly disturbing to see how obsessed Dan’s fan base was him. The way they immediately were able to see he followed Phil and interacted with him.

He didn’t want to admit that it bothered him...but it did a little bit.

Especially when he knows it means nothing.

He quickly exits Twitter and tries to push the tweets out of his mind. He shoots PJ back a text telling him that he would be good to come to dinner tomorrow night and then he puts his phone off to the side.

He needs a nap...and maybe a drink. But he’ll take the nap now and have the drink later. He adjusts himself on the couch and Spike molds back to his body and he shuts his eyes.

****

“Glad you could make it!” PJ announces the minute he opens the door to Phil and Spike, who was furiously wagging his stubby tail back and forth in excitement. “Sophie was just saying the other day that we should invite you over for a meal.”

“You know Spike and I would never miss one of Sophie’s infamous roast chicken.” Phil says with a smile as he walks inside the door of PJ’s flat.

He supposes that he’s pretty lucky to have friends like PJ and Sophie. He met PJ on his first day of work. Both of them were new—trainees if you will—and they bonded instantly. It also didn’t hurt that they worked in the same department.

PJ was the first person that he really befriended at the BBC so he was glad that out of everything else in his life, it appeared he had a new friend at a work place that he just moved to a new city for.

“Keep saying that,” PJ said with a laugh, “And maybe one day we’ll actually believe it.”

Phil lightly elbowed PJ and let Spike off from his leash. PJ didn’t mind Spike being here, so he gladly always brought him for company when he came over. He took a seat with PJ in the living room on their sofa as Spike ran over to make sure that he could clean up any scraps that Sophie may drop in the kitchen.

“How was it going back to the BBC?” PJ asked, crossing his right leg over his left as he relaxed.

“Not bad.” Phil admitted. “I mean, it’s a madhouse trying to get to the BBC itself but to return back wasn’t so awful.”

“What did they have you doing?”

“They had me film a very short scene with Daniel.”

Pj’s eyes widened, his pupils taking over for the bright green they always were. “What?”

“Daniel requested me for that scene actually. Like the scene was just filming him walking by me and grabbing a coffee but it was still something?” Phil sat back. “After we filmed the scene, he actually came up to me and asked for my social media handles.”

PJ started laughing. “This sounds like a fever dream.”

“The crazy thing is that it’s really not.” Phil said, feeling himself chuckle. “But it’s not like it means anything. I’m sure he follows a ton of other people.”

“Okay, guys, dinner is about ready!” Sophie called from the kitchen, leading Phil and PJ to both get up and head over to help her set the table.

They all grabbed their plates and slowly began to eat when Phil’s phone vibrated in his pants pocket. He normally ignores it, mainly because he’s with guests. But for some reason, he finds himself setting down his fork mid bite and reaching into his pocket to grab it.

Spike’s head was resting on Phil’s feet and he made the show of whining during this time as well when he noticed Phil wasn’t reaching down to drop him a piece of roast chicken.

He looks at his phone, effectively unlocking it just in time to see that he had a message on Instagram. Confused, because he never got messages on Instagram, he opened it up.

As soon as he saw who it was from, his heart dropped and he let out a loud gasp. Both PJ and Sophie were staring at him, wondering what was happening. But how else was he supposed to react when he has a message from Daniel Howell on his Instagram!

“Daniel Howell messaged me on Instagram!”

Sophie dropped her fork and it clattered against her plate. “Daniel Howell? The movie star?”

Phil nodded, staring at the black bolded message that he hadn’t even looked at yet or opened because he was sitting here in complete and total awe.

“Did Daniel Howell just slide into your dm’s?” PJ asked, picking up his napkin and wiping his mouth off.

“I’m not sure.” Phil answered, his hands shaking as he struggled to hold onto his phone in his hand. “I haven’t read it yet.”

“Well read it!”

Phil clicked on the message and looked at it, his heart racing and his mind cloudy.

 **Danielhowell** : Hey! I figured Instagram was a bit more sensible than Twitter. Anyway, it was nice meeting you! I’m going to be in London for another week and I’ve noticed you live here. This is a bit of a reach but I was wondering if you would be willing to show me around? My manager doesn’t want me to go around London alone and I really can’t be bothered to hire a personal tour guide and you seem nice!

“What does it say?” Sophie asked, leaning over the table in eagerness.

“He wants to know if I’d be willing to show him around London.” Phil says, his voice slightly shaking.

“He wants you to show him around London?” PJ asked, his voice one of disbelief. “There is no way! He’s a major actor. Can’t he just hire someone to show him around?”

“He says right here in his message that he doesn’t want to hire a person tour guide so he’s asking me about it.”

Phil passes his phone to both Sophie and PJ and they read over the message with wide eyes.

“I love how he tacked on a ‘you seem nice’ on the end there.” PJ snickered, handing Phil his phone back.

Phil blushed and locked his phone back while he thought about what he was going to do.

“So what do you think you’re going to do?” Sophie asked.

“Well, I should do it right?” Phil said. “This is an opportunity that I shouldn’t miss, right?”

“Well of course not!” Sophie butted in. “It’s not every day that a famous actor asks you to be a tour guide.”

“So I should do it?” Phil clarified.

Both PJ and Sophie answered at the same time. “Yes!”

Phil picked his phone back up and opened the message again. He quickly began typing.

 **amazingphil** : Hi Daniel! I’d love to be your tour guide! Let me know when and I’ll make sure my schedule is free.

He sent the message and set down his phone. He slowly picked his fork back up again to begin eating when his phone vibrated against the table and he blushed at how fast that was.

He had already gotten a message back from Dan.

 **danielhowell** : I’ll make sure my schedule is free sounds like my line :p Anyway, I’ll let my manager know and then get back to you for a date and time! Thanks again! I really appreciate the help.

Phil couldn’t ignore the little tongue-stick-out face that Dan had just sent it how. How could he ignore it? It was sitting right there in the middle of his message!

“Looks like I’m going to be a tour guide for Daniel Howell


	5. Chapter 5

“Aren’t you the least bit nervous?” PJ commented the next day as they walked with Spike in the local park near Phil’s flat. 

Dinner the night before had mostly consisted of both Sophie and PJ telling Phil about where he should take Dan around London and so he came up with a comprehensive list saved on his phone. But he still had many worries fueling his brain. 

Like what if this was all a mistake? Daniel was a famous celebrities and surely he really didn’t want some pleb like Phil taking him around London. But on top of that, won’t people see them? Won’t this cause some big news scene? 

He didn’t really want to do that. 

There was a lot of weight on this line and he had to admit that it made him slightly nervous. 

“No,” Phil answers eventually, “I am. I’m incredibly nervous.” 

“Have you two messaged since last night?” 

Phil shook his head. He hadn’t even replied to Daniel last night after he had messaged him last night. He probably should have. He internally winced. Did he already fuck this all up because he didn’t reply to him? He hoped not. 

“You’re over thinking already.” PJ commented just as Spike tugged at his leash and Phil looked to see what the pup was doing. He just saw a squirrel and was hoping to chase it but he held the little guy back. 

“Well, I didn’t reply back to him. Do you think I could have messed his up already?” 

Pj stopped on the path and turned to him, hands in his coat pocket. “You’re really asking me this, Phil? Less than a week ago, you were telling Gemma off about fantasizing about the hunky lad and now look at you. You’re head over heels for the bloke.” 

“I’m not head over heels for him.” 

Pj cocked his eyebrow. “Really? You’re really saying that right now?” 

Phil blushed and continued moving in the direction Spike was pulling him. “Well, he’s seems not to be a bad guy.” 

“So you take back what you said before about him being pretentious and rude?” 

Phil scoffed. “Well no. I don’t even know him yet.” 

“But you know he’s not, though? Or else he wouldn’t have already slid into your dm’s.” 

“He didn’t slide into my dm’s.” Phil laughed. “He just messaged me asking for a favor.” 

“Oh, and I’m sure that’s what Nick Jonas did with Priyanka Chopra as well.” 

“Shut up.” Phil laughed, hitting PJ gently on the side. “This is all a bit ridiculous, isn’t it? Like this feels like we’ve entered an alternate timeline―a whole new dimension.” 

“Maybe we did.” PJ commented with a shrug. “But Spike over there is doing his business and I’m sure that we can’t launch that into another dimension.” 

Phil rolled his eyes and walked over to Spike, pulling the bags out of his pocket. 

Maybe they did fall into a wormhole and enter a new timeline. It sure did feel like it. 

He, PJ, and Spike all left the park a short time later. PJ said he was heading back to his flat for the afternoon to work on a BBC assignment he was behind on and Phil figured he might as well get a jumpstart on his next one as well. The BBC had made it clear in yet another email this morning that Phil was not off the hook despite having to reappear to the building. 

When he got back to his flat, he let Spike off from his leash and allowed for him to run off to his bed to sleep. He then set down with his laptop on his couch and opened up Illustrator to begin his next assignment. He was to create a new promo poster for the BBC radio one show and since he particularly liked that show, he really wanted to put time into it. 

He slowly began to piece together shapes and colors when his phone vibrated against his side and he picked it up out of instinct. On his screen, he had a new Instagram message again. Without even unlocking his phone, he knew already they were from Daniel. 

**danielhowel** l **** **:** hello its me again! My manager gave me the go ahead to go out in London next Tuesday so are you free then? My bodyguard Joshua will be with us but i promise he’s a soft teddy bear. 

**danielhowell:** I know i said this already but i do appreciate it! I like being able to go out and do normal things but its hard, ya know? 

**amazingphi** l: It’s no problem! I don’t mind showing you around London. There is a lot we can do. 

**danielhowell** : I hear! I hope you don’t mind that we’re probs going to be bombarded by people all day. I feel like I should apologize for that in advance...but it kind of comes with the package―me. 

**danielhowell** ; that last part wasn’t as funny as i was expecting it to be. I’m sorry lol 

Phil had to admit that he snickered. But he still was in complete disbelief that he was messaging back and forth with Daniel Howell. 

**amazingphil** : I kind of figured. I saw some of the speculation on Twitter already. 

**danielhowell** : Ugh I’m sorry. My fans are always speculating about me. It sucks but there is not much i can really do. I’m glad for them and i appreciate them because i wouldn’t be here without them but they can be a pain. 

**danielhowell** : that being said i can tell them to leave you be? I mean, they probably wont listen but it is worth a little bit of a shot? 

Phil bit his lip. He couldn’t ask that of Daniel already when there is nothing between them. They’re just talking about London and about Phil showing him around London. That’s all. 

**amazingphil:** I couldn’t ask that of you. They’re not bothering me directly. 

**danielhowell** : well if they ever do, please let me know! 

**danielhowell** : I really mean it. They can be...a lot. 

**amazingphil** : I’m sure i can handle them if need be. 

**danielhowel** l: okay mate but don’t say i didn’t warn you 

**danielhowel** l: oh, by the way, can we meet somewhere discreet? I want to keep my day as low key as possible and i don’t want fans to follow me to meet you. Do you have any suggestions? 

Here was the thing. Phil didn’t know of many locations where any meeting or any sort was going to be discreet. Everything was pretty much out in the open around London unless you were in one of the back alleys where you could be shanked. 

**amazingphi** l: sorry, not really. We could meet at the BBC early on? I have a pass to get in so we can meet in there first? 

**danielhowell** : okay. Fingers crossed I don’t get plowed over by fans before then. 

**amazingphil** : #prayfordaniel 

#prayfordaniel?? Phil inwardly groaned and covered his face in shame. That was the dumbest thing he could have sent someone like Daniel and now he’d sent it and Dan’s already read it. 

He covers his eyes when his phone vibrates again for another message. 

**danielhowell:** not sure that’ll work but it might worry the shit out of my fans lol 

Phil found himself smiling really wide. This was nice. In a way, it almost felt like he might have a budding friendship with Daniel. Of course that was probably super silly but there was some place deep inside of himself that gave him hope. 

Dan’s next message widened that place. 

**danielhowell** : can i just say another thank you for treating me like a human? I’ve tried talking to other people before and they all freak out or begin to obsessively fangirl and ngl, it gets tiring. really tiring. So i really appreciate this, Phil. it means a lot. 

**amazingphil** : of course, Dan. Why would i treat you any differently? 

**danielhowel** l: :) 

They stopped messaging not long after which made Phil feel a tad bit sad but he had a feeling this wasn’t going to be the last time he and Dan talk before Tuesday. 

He worked on a big portion of the BBC radio one advertisement and then he put his laptop on the charger to take Spike out for the bathroom and then order dinner from the local Domino’s. 

By that evening, Phil had settled into bed in a peaceful food coma and was scrolling through his social media feeds again. Dan had posted some tweets in replies to some fans and he wasn’t trending anymore despite trending the entire week for filming and being on set. 

But as he went through all of Dan’s tweets, he realized that he actually didn’t know hardly anything about Dan and he should probably look up some information before he meets him and makes a complete fool of himself. 

He googles Dan’s name and unsurprisingly, his name comes up automatically with a ton of tabloid reports. 

_Daniel Howell’s new beau??_

_Daniel Howell on set in London! Catch the behind the scenes._

_Is Daniel Howell filming in London? We have the inside scoop._

Phil found them all laughable and all totally exactly what tabloid magazines do. 

He clicked on Dan’s Wikipedia page and decided to skim through it. 

“ _Daniel James Howell, formally known as just Daniel “Dan” Howell, is a Hollywood actor, two time Oscar winner, and_ four time _Emmy Award winner. Howell is best known for his portrayal as Romeo in the 2014 remake of the classic Shakespearean play Romeo and Juliet alongside Jennifer Douglas which earned him his two Emmy’s. His career took off after his role was heavily accepted by critics across all boards, some even naming him the newest A-List star in_ Hollwood _. Since 2014, Howell has worked starred in many new movies such as “One for the Road”, a coming of age story about a group of teenagers in America which earned his first Oscar, and “The Year of Us”, the_ star studded _adaptation of the widely acclaimed novel by Stephanie Barry, which earned him his second Oscar._ ” 

Phil finished that section and sat back. Wow. So Dan has been a popular celebrity for a while. He knew that. He remember how everyone hyped his role for Romeo and Juliet, calling him the next best Romeo after Leo DiCaprio. 

But he honestly never paid any other attention to who Dan was or how he gained his stardom so fast. 

“ _Personal Life: Daniel Howell was born on June 11th, 1991 in the small town of Wokingham in the United Kingdom to parents Karen and Joseph Howell. He has a younger brother named Adrian who is a_ popular _YouTuber influencer. Howell began his acting career at just the age of five when he was_ casted _in a production of Les Miserables in his community. After his success in acting, over the course of his youth, his family moved to Los Angeles, California, in hopes of him to gain stardom. Howell starred in his first Hollywood film at the age of 16 but would not become known for his roles until the age of 23._ ” 

Phil thought back to what he was doing at twenty three. Definitely not gaining any stardom, that’s for sure. He was just sitting in Manchester, trying to make ends meet with a crappy job at Starbucks. 

“ _In June of 2014, one year after gaining his fame, Howell announced his battles with anxiety and depression in hopes to become an ambassador for his younger fans. He is an advocate for mental health and the ability for everyone out there to have access to a health care system that will help anyone who is struggling like he was._

_In September of 2017, Howell announced that he was bisexual and dating fellow costar Kellen Queen. After less than a year of dating, Howell and Queen announced on social media that they were no longer together. Howell has not been reported to have dated since but Queen is now dating his fellow “Timeless” co-star Helen O’Reilly_.” 

Phil sat back and processed the information. If he thought back to it, he could vaguely recall the entire break up happening. He remembers the tabloids and the social media frenzy but he never kept up with celebrity news enough to really know what was going on. 

But to see where Daniel had come out as bisexual was a lot. Mostly because Phil himself was gay. He tended to keep his romantic life quiet but for some reason, he kind of hoped that Dan would ask him about his sexual orientation so they can have something to talk about. 

There was one thing Phil didn’t mind and that was openly talking about his attraction to other men. 

He closed out of Wikipedia, deciding he had read enough, and shut off his light. Spike has crawled in beside him sometime while he was reading on wikipedia and now he was curled in his side. 

He fell asleep relatively fast, dreaming about Tuesday with Daniel. 


	6. Chapter 6

Almost as if time didn’t exist, Tuesday came. Phil doesn’t quite remember how the past four days had gone by other than he spent majority of them with Spike on his couch or working on his computer on his assignment. 

But somehow, Tuesday came, and suddenly, it was infinitely more real that he was going to be showing Daniel Howell around London. To say he was nervous was a total understatement. 

Phil was borderline sick from nerves. 

He didn’t sleep at all Monday night, and when he did manage to sleep, he somehow found himself waking up every twenty minutes or so feeling like he was going to be sick. He eventually resorted to getting up and taking a few melatonin pills before collapsing back into bed, at least a little bit more drowsy this time. 

His alarm woke him up at half-past eight and he slowly began to get up, despite his body’s protests to remain glued to his bed. He quickly showered, brushed his teeth, and put in his contacts before he checked his phone and saw a message from Daniel. 

Daniel Howell: good morning my manager is saying that I should get to the BBC as stealthily as possible so im sadly already here ill be waiting just inside the doors. 

Phil sighed. He knew that Dan had just told him not to hurry, but now he felt like he had to hurry up so he didn’t keep him waiting. They were supposed to meet at the BBC at around 10 and it was only a little after 9 now. 

Phil quickly made himself an instant coffee to go and said his goodbyes to Spike before rushing out of his flat and down to the nearest tube station. 

When he arrived at the BBC, it was a quarter to 10 and Phil honestly thought that the timing could be worse. But he was super relieved to not see the fangirls situated around the BBC anymore and having it look like normal. Phil was happy to see it as it’s normal building and not a mob of police tape and teenagers. 

He walked inside, scanning his badge as he did so, and made his way towards the only area he could think of that Dan would be in. He turned a corner, and sitting directly in one of the lounge chairs was Daniel Howell, sitting with his legs crossed. He was wearing a pair of tight black ripped jeans, and even though he was donning a very expensive looking jacket, Phil could just barely make out a fuzzy black sweater underneath. 

He looked down at himself and frowned as he noticed that maybe his red and white striped shirt and jean jacket wasn’t the best choice. But he shook his head and tried to not be self-conscious around Daniel. 

Daniel was a movie star and probably a multimillionaire. He shouldn’t be comparing their outfit choices.

Daniel spotted him nearly immediately and looked up, flashing Phil another one of his dazzling smiles. On the right of Dan, Phil could see a massive guy stood with his arms folded over his chest. And just the other way, there was a short woman who was sitting in a chair next to him. 

Dan stands up, and the man and woman follow suit. Phil suddenly feels intimidated but forces a smile anyway.

“Hey!” Dan says with a smile again. “This is Joshua.” He points to the large man who just barely raises his hand in a calm gesture. “And this is my manager Marianne.” He points to the woman. “Please don’t be intimidated by them. They wouldn’t hurt a fly.” 

Joshua grumbles and Phil feels his stomach sink. He definitely can see that Joshua is not one to mess around with. “If you say so,” Phil laughs cautiously. 

Joshua chuckles to himself and Phil suddenly feels like he wants to collapse onto the floor and cry. But he won’t, obviously. So he chuckles a little bit―albeit awkwardly, and then extends his hand out in some haphazard form of a greeting. Dan raises an eyebrow and then extends his hand and they make contact for a brief second as Dan’s hand slots a little bit too easily into Phil’s. 

His hand is warm and soft. But it’s also gentle and strong at the same time. Phil doesn’t know why he notices this, but he does. And when they let go, he misses the feeling of it in his hand. 

He shakes the thought away. 

This was Daniel Howell. He can find him attractive but this little...crush...wasn’t going to do. He needed to shake the thought now. 

“Are you ready to get going?” Phil asks Dan. 

Dan nods quickly. “Yes! Do you fancy we could stop somewhere quickly for food? I’m quite starved.” 

Phil was taken completely aback by the natural, posh, London accent Dan spoke in. When he’d read about Dan online, he thought for sure Dan’s accent would be much more Americanized but in a way, his accent was more British than Phil’s. It was quite amazing. 

“Oh, of course!” Phil said, his own coffee having gone cold in his hand. “We can go anywhere really. There are a few Gregg’s around and also some Starbucks. I also think there’s a Costa around here too.” 

“We can just go to Starbucks.” Dan says with a shrug. “I’m not really too picky. I’m not much of a coffee drinker but I’ll take some tea and maybe a cake.” 

“Okay!” Phil’s trying so hard to not be awkward about this. “It’s right down the street.” 

Dan smiles at him and then they set off. 

Phil watches as Dan says something to Marianne and she remains in her place, unmoving as they leave. Joshua is trailing behind them by a good few feet. But that still makes Phil feel a little bit on edge, knowing his every move was being watched. 

They were fine walking on the streets as not many people were around on an early Tuesday morning. But once they stepped foot inside of Starbucks, it was over. 

Phil kind of―well, not kind of, he did expect this―knowing he was going to be out in the open with Dan all day but he was prepared for the exact level of madness it was going to be. 

Daniel had barely walked up to the counter when people started rushing to be around him. Phil could see people trying to take photos of him and try to hide the fact that they were doing so. He saw people immediately typing on phones and worse yet, he could see people staring at him. People were staring him down like he was an enemy. 

Well, maybe to some people he was. He’d seen some of the not-so-nice things people wrote about him when people saw that Dan had followed him. He’d repressed those tweets, but he still remembered them. He could only imagine what was going to happen now. 

“We can go somewhere else.” Phil says, his voice cutting through the air. 

Dan shook his head and flashed a smile that Phil could see was obviously forced. “No, it’s gonna happen no matter where we go today.” 

Phil gave a sad nod and watched as Dan tried to place an order while the barista was clearly having a major fangirl attack behind the till. He felt bad, in a way, for both of them. He felt like he shouldn’t but he did. 

Dan eventually had his order placed and he paid quickly with what Phil could see was a black credit card and he immediately felt his face flush. But he moved quickly in line, placed his order for a tall chai tea, paid and moved on. 

Joshua moved with Dan so Dan wasn’t in any danger by being in here. Phil was pretty sure Joshua would tackle any person who even dared to get near Dan. But that didn’t stop Phil from worrying. 

He shouldn’t be worrying. Dan was probably used to this. 

“Daniel!” 

Dan’s head shot up and Phil watched as he quickly grabbed his order and then flashed a smile at Phil again and he and Joshua retreated quickly out of the door. Phil grabbed his order next and thanked the barista who was clearly still star struck. And then he left as well. 

Dan was standing off the side of the shop, trying to mask himself into the building. Joshua was stood on guard around him as Dan slowly opened his Starbucks order and took a bite of whatever sandwich he was getting. 

“Sorry about that.” Dan says once he’s swallowed the bite. “It’s going to happen no matter where we go today. It’s not something I can escape, sadly.” 

“I’m sorry.” Phil spits out. “I’m sorry that you go through that.” 

Dan shrugs. “Comes with the job, right?” 

Phil tries to ignore the clear and present sadness that is laced in Dan’s words and he’s suddenly feeling extremely bad about all that he’s said about Dan to PJ and even Gemma and some other coworkers. 

The first place that Phil decides to take them is the London Eye. They hail down a cab and they all get into it as the driver takes them to Westminster. Dan sits besides Phil on the bucket seat while Joshua sits across from them his arms folded. 

When Dan caught Phil staring at Joshua, he chuckled. “I promise he’s not actually mean.” 

“Has he ever had to tackle somebody?” Phil asks, his voice aa whisper. 

Dan nods and takes a sip of his hot drink. “Multiple times.” 

Phil sputters and Dan laughs again. 

The laugh is almost angelic and Phil really wishes he could hear more of it. 

They get to the London Eye and Phil takes them over to buy tickets. When he offers to pay for them both, Dan waves him off and shoves his card it the cashier instead. 

“I was the one who asked you to take me around London. The least you can do is let me pay for some of the expenses.” 

Phil blushes. “Only if you’re sure.” 

“I’m sure!” Dan announces quickly as he grabs the three tickets and gives one to Phil. 

They’re almost about to get in line when they’re being ushered by workers to go into an advanced line. Phil can almost see the pain in Dan’s face at knowing he was being treated differently due to his status but he didn’t deny the offer. 

They made it to the front of the line before anyone else and they were given their own pod to ride in on the eye. Once inside, the doors shut, Dan walked over to the glass windows and looked out. 

“I never got to experience London.” He says softly. “Even as a kid. I lived so close to here but my family never brought me or my brother here. I’ve been here for films but I’m normally so booked that I don’t even have time to go look around.” 

Phil stands beside him and looks at him. He looks gorgeous in these lights. His brown hair is perfectly styled and curled. His cheeks are a perfect shade of rosey red. His eyes are gleaming but dark, like honey. 

For the first time since Phil has seen Dan since meeting for the first time on set, he can see how stunning Dan is. Dan is stunning. He’s gorgeous. 

And Phil is totally fucked. 

“Is that Big Ben?” Dan breaks through the silence to point at the large tower in the distance. 

“Yes it is.” Phil says, letting his clouded mind clear. “But it’s under construction right now so you can’t see any of it.” 

“That’s a shame.” Dan says. “I’ve always heard about the bells.”  

“It’s been weird,” Phil says, a small smile on his lips, “no longer hearing the bells in London.” 

“How long have you lived in London for?” Dan asks, turning his back to the window now and resting his weight against the rail. 

“8 years now.” 

“8  years?!” Dan exclaims. 

Phil nods. “Been working at the BBC for almost all ten as well.” 

‘That’s mad.” Dan laughs. “I haven’t lived in the same house in the past 5 years for more than ten months, let alone 8 years. I’ve been having to move so often because fans keep finding my address.” 

Phil furrows his brows and lets the smile he was showing all from his lips. “Your fans find your address?” 

Dan nods, his expression solemn. “Nothing of mine is private anymore, Phil.” His voice is sad. “I can guarantee that if you go onto Twitter right now, headlines are already making waves that ‘Daniel Howell was spotted in Starbucks with mysterious man’. They never give up.” 

“Is it hard?” 

“Is what hard?” 

“Is it hard being famous like you are?” 

Phil doesn’t know why he asks that, but he does. 

Dan shrugs. “In a way yeah.” He says. “It’s an interesting lifestyle but...” 

The eye starts to slow down and when Phil looks, he can see they’re already beginning their descent back down. 

Nothing more is said. It’s quiet and deafening and when the doors open, a mob of people and paparazzi are waiting. Phil isn’t prepared for the complete onslaught of cameras and phones and flashes to be thrown into his face until suddenly their is a hand resting on his arm, tugging him away. 

When he looks down, his heart races as he sees Dan grabbing his jacket and trying to get him out of the mob of people. A car is waiting for them and Joshua immediately runs and opens the door just as soon as Dan jumps in and Phil follows. 

Joshua climbs in with them and as they look, there are fans running for the car. Some are even running to try to climb on the car. But they’re driving off and away. 

When Phil looks over to Dan beside him, ready to thank him for yanking him out of the mob, he notices that Dan’s eyes are glassy. He’s about to speak up when he sees a tear leak down Dan’s cheek and Phil feels the hurt. He feels that pain, even if it’s for a second. Because this lifestyle is...well it appears to be shit. 

And suddenly, Phil gets it. 

***

Phil sees all of the tweets and headlines before he goes to bed that night. 

_“DANIEL HOWELL SEEN WITH MYSTERIOUS MAN AFTER FINISHING FILMING MOVIE IN LONDON.”_

_ “DANIEL HOWELL’S NEW BEAU? WE’VE GOT THE EXCLUSIVE PICTURES.”  _

_ “WHO IS THE MAN PICTURED WITH DANIEL HOWELL?”  _

Phil feels quite sick looking at them. 

He also feels quite sick knowing that his day was cut short because of them. The driver had taken them back to the BBC following the awful fan encounter and Dan apologized profusely when he exclaimed he wasn’t feeling well and would like to return back to his hotel. 

Phil didn’t argue. He saw the tears on Dan’s face when they stepped out of the car from when he silently wept after what had happened. Phil would never ask him about it. 

He also saw the tweets from Dan that followed. 

@ **danielhowell** : I’ve said this more than once but please do not follow me. I  appreciate you all so much but it’s not okay to follow me around. (1) 

@ **danielhowell** : also please do not follow my car once I get into it. It’s not only  unsafe for you, but it’s unsafe for me as well. Please know that your safety means  the world to me and that’s not okay (2). 

 

to@ **danielhowell** : 

@ **softdaniel** : was that the amazingphil guy that you were pictured with in  London??? 

to@ **softdaniel** : 

@ **yasmin__road** : it has to be! The photos of the guy lined up with the same guy  Dan just followed on Insta! I bet it’s a secret relationship. 

 

to@ **yasmin__road**

@ **danielhowell** : phil is just a friend but I would appreciate it if you left him out of  tweets like this. Thank you. 

 

Phil read through more of them and eventually shut his phone off. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Phil arrived to the BBC the next day for his normal work schedule.  He managed to get his assignment done for the BBC radio one and he had sent it in the night before after sleeping off his anger at the day. 

He got to his office with a sticky note on his desk to go to his boss as soon as he arrived to pick up his next assignment. So he sighed, put his stuff down, and headed off  to see his boss. 

He didn’t get to see his boss often, namely because he never had any problems arise where he particularly needed to see her. Her name was Louise and all her knew about her was that she was a blonde who died the tips of her hair funky colors. 

He made it to her door and knocked twice before a “Come in” rang out and Phil pushed down the door handle. 

Louise was sat at her desk, her hair put half up and a blazer buttoned tight around her waist. She was scribbling something onto a pad of paper but Phil just quickly took a seat and waited. 

“Oh, hi, Philip.” Oh right. He’d forgotten. She called him Philip. 

He cringed internally. 

“We have a few options for your next assignment and if you give me two minutes I can print them off and give them to you to read over. One is for next weeks episode of the BBC London Podcast and the other is that we need a new snazzy looking logo to go with the BBC Radio website.” 

Louise tapped away at her keyboard and Phil waited patiently. Somewhere in the distance, Louise’s printer whirled and she stood up, walking over to it, and picking up the papers. 

She flipped through each paper and then handed them to Phil to look over. “Just so you know, you can choose any one of the assignments but the one for the BBC website is a little bit more in demand.” 

Phil looked at both of the pages and decides he’d rather do the BBC website first anyway since it’ll take up less of his time. “I think I’ll work on the BBC website this afternoon and then begin the one for the podcast as soon as I’m done.” 

Louise smiled. “Have fun.” 

Phil just gave her a cut nod and grabbed his papers as he walked out of her office and down the hall back to his own. PJ was just setting up his desk with todays work when Phil walked through the doorway. 

“The tube this morning was worse than usual.” PJ griped as he undid his scarf from around his neck and drooped it off the back of his chair. “I swear there was no standing room and no one knew how to let someone on. Missed two trains and had to wait for the third.” 

Phil stifled by a chuckle. “Should have taken a taxi at that rate, mate.” 

“And pay 30 quid?” PJ laughs. “No thanks. I’ll be late.” 

Phil laughed to himself and plopped into his desk chair, ignoring how it creaked because it was slightly old and way too overused. He opened his laptop and opened up Illustrator as he prepared to begin the new logo. 

He was already into gradient coloring a circle when PJ interrupted him. “How did yesterday with Dan go?” 

Phil felt his shoulders tense and he looked up from his laptop, his teeth unintentionally grinding together. “It didn’t.” 

PJ adjusted his glasses on the edge of the nose and then looks at Phil with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?” 

Phil shook his head and reached up, pinching the bridge of his nose. “We met up like planned and I took him to the eye. He was very nice and kind and I really enjoyed the little time we spent together. But then when we got off, the paparazzi and a bunch of teens and adults were waiting for us and he asked to go back to the hotel.” 

PJ spun in his chair and took off his glasses. “Wait, what happened?” 

“Exactly what I just said.” Phil commented, feeling his stomach begin to knot. 

PJ opened and closed his mouth softly before he remained silent. He looked between the floor and Phil. “Did...did he just like...not want to be around you anymore? I don’t get it.” 

“No, Peej...nothing like that.” Phil says, his voice softer than before. “Dan was very overwhelmed and I think he just needed to be alone.” PJ nodded once and then gave him a soft smile. “But he texted me after and I think it’ll be okay.” 

PJ began to speak again when the sound of footsteps behind them grew louder and Phil turned. He sighed quite loudly when he saw Gemma walking their way, her heels someone still sounding loud on the carpeted floors. 

“Phil Lester!” Gemma called out as he approached his desk and yanked an empty chair up to the side. She fell into it and settled at his desk. “What did you have to do to get a Daniel Howell follow and why didn’t I know about it?” 

Phil rolled his eyes and sat back. “It’s nothing.” 

“It’s not nothing, Phil!” Gemma pushed. “Daniel Howell followed you and I want to know how you managed that.” 

Phil shrugged. “We met on set.” 

“On set?!” Gemma exclaimed. “Oh why couldn’t I have been on set and maybe I would have gotten one.” 

“Hey!” PJ called from the side. “I didn’t get a Dan follow and I was on set.” 

Gemma looked at Phil with big eyes. “How did you manage to get one then, Phil? Spill your secrets.” 

“We talked, he asked for my Twitter and Instagram and I gave it to him.” 

“He just asked for that?” Gemma asked, her voice incredulous. “You’re acting like this isn’t a big deal. Phil, you got a Daniel Howell follow.” 

“It’s really not.” Phil said back. “There’s nothing to really even say about it. Dan’s a nice guy.” 

Gemma sat back. “Have you been speaking with him?” 

“A little bit.” 

Gemma’s eyes bugged out of her head. “A little bit? How is this not a big deal, Phil! You’re talking to a literal celebrity.” 

“It’s not a big deal.” Phil reiterated. “It’s not a big deal because it’s just Dan. He’s a normal guy.” 

‘Wow, you’re getting a little aggressive, don’t you think?” 

Gemma cut off her words before shooting him a side ways glance. Phil let’s out a breath and looks up just in time to see PJ staring at him with a look of what are you doing? 

Frankly, Phil doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore when it comes to Dan. 

All he knows is that Dan’s been messaging him since Tuesday and everything seemed to be better. But Dan was returning back to the USA to finish filming as they speak on his fancy private jet. According to Dan, he wasn’t even a fan of a private jet but everyone told him how it was essential for travel.

He feels like it’s stupid but Phil honestly would kill for a ride in Dan’s private jet with him. 

Phil shakes his head and looks back at Gemma with a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry. I’ve had a long few days. I know it’s not an excuse to be a dick but―”

She flashed him a wide toothed smile and stood up from the chair she was sat in, brushing down her dress back to laying flat against her thighs. ‘That’s okay, Phil. I understand it. We all have those weeks.” 

She flashed another quick smile at him and then left the office, her heels still managing to make a noise against the carpet. Phil turned his attention back to his laptop and saw a new message on his Instagram…that he wouldn’t admit that he had open just in case Dan messaged him. And this time, he did. 

It read: 

**danielhowell:** what’s your number? Texting will work better for me when I’m in the states. 

He doesn’t even realize he’s reacting to it until PJ scoffs. “What did Mr. Howell send you now?” 

“He wants my number.” 

PJ cocked and eyebrow. “Really moving fast, don’t you think?” He joked. 

Phil laughed and finished typing out his number to Dan. “Dan’s a nice guy.” 

And really, that’s the complete truth. 


	8. Chapter 8

Work returned to normal within just a few days and it was like nothing had ever happened at the BBC. Phil wouldn’t ever hear the whispers anymore from the people who were once so infatuated with the idea of big stars like Mimei Lake and Dan being in the same building. 

And although the filming had played such a massive role in the BBC the last few days, it was almost like it never happened. But of course, it had to have happened. Because if it hadn’t, Phil wouldn’t currently be on Skype with Dan Howell who is currently 8 hours behind him in Los Angeles. 

Phil almost didn’t agree to the Skype call when Dan asked for his Skype name. Mostly because Phil was extremely nervous to be seeing Dan again face to face after their day in London that didn’t go as planned. But Dan was pretty adamant that he’d like to speak with Phil in a way that wasn’t over text and Phil decided to comply. 

“I feel like there is a lot I need to explain.” 

Those were the first words out of Dan’s mouth as the grainy laptop camera focused on Dan’s face. “You really don’t need to explain anything.” 

Dan looked down at his lap and let out a sigh. “But I also have to because I feel like it’s not fair to you that you didn’t get to show me around London like we planned because my anxiety got in the way.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“But it feels like it is.” 

“Dan.” It was the first time that Phil had really used Dan’s name directly to him and it felt a bit odd. “You never have to apologize for the way something bothers you. If that situation was making you uncomfortable, you had every right to want to go back to your hotel and be alone.” 

Dan let out another sigh. “This life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.” 

Phil felt the sadness coming from Dan through the screen. 

“When I was young, I dreamt about these days of my life where I could sit back in my Hollywood hills mansion and look at my awards and think ‘damn, I fucking did it.’ But now that this is my life, it’s so much more than I’ve ever thought it to be.” 

There is a stall in Dan’s words and Phil can see that he’s trying to think over what to say next in his head. “I’m not saying that this isn’t the life I want―it’s just that maybe this life isn’t for me? I mean for God’s sake, I couldn’t even handle it when a few fans found out I was on the London Eye.” 

“They shouldn’t have followed you.” Phil said, finding his gaze staring directly act the brown eyed male’s. “That’s a breach of your privacy.” 

“They don't care about that.” There was a sharp pang in Dan’s words. “Most of them _do_ in fact care about my privacy but others are looking for a peak into my life when they don’t need one.” 

“Kind of like how a bunch of them tried to figure out who I was?” 

Dan nodded and smirked. “To be fair, they did a good job. But I’m not too fond of them all assuming that you’re my new boyfriend. Like granted, theres nothing wrong with that, but not every person I’m seen with I’m dating.” 

“Isn’t that how it always works though?” Phil asked, genuinely curious. “I mean look at Ariana Grande or really any celebrity out there.” 

“Well, of course. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed when it happens to me.” 

Phil shrugged. “Fair enough. It’s been odd to see people try and write up a story about me and I’m not even a known person. I’m just Phil from the BBC.” 

Dan flashed a smile at him and cocked his head to the side. “Just Phil from the BBC?” 

Phil laughed. “Does sound kind of lame, doesn’t it?” 

Dan let out a hearty laugh and fell backwards onto his bed, his laptop falling down with him. As the camera fell with it, Phil couldn’t help but notice how soft, yet pillowy, Dan’s comforter looked underneath him. 

“I’m exhausted.” Dan says, turning on his side and positioning his laptop to lay next to him on his bed. “My flight got in last night and then I was expected to be on set early this morning.” 

“Go get some sleep then.” 

Dan snorted. “As if you can talk. Isn’t it like 3am in the UK right now?” 

Phil looked at the time on top of his laptop. “It’s only 2:38am, thank you very much.” 

“You should be the one going to bed.” 

“I don’t have to work tomorrow.” Phil argued. That wasn’t a lie. He really didn’t have to work tomorrow. 

“You shouldn’t be staying up because of me.” 

 _But I want to_. 

“I don’t mind.” 

“But I do.” Dan quipped. “You should go to bed and I should too even though it’s only 6 and I should be eating dinner.” 

“Go eat dinner and then get some rest.” Phil felt himself yawn and Spike shifted on the bed next to him in protest. 

“Okay.” Dan didn’t protest any longer, but Phil could see he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can I just say something before this call ends?” 

“What is it?” 

“Thank you for being my friend, Phil. I don’t have many of those nowadays.” 

Phil felt his heart jump in his throat but he didn’t have a long time to process Dan’s words because suddenly Dan’s phone rang and he sympathetically cut off the Skype call to answer it in private.

But Phil laid awake for a while that night, trying to decipher Dan’s words. He could only just barely see where he fit into everything.

***

**@Danielhowell**

_I could sleep for the next ten years zzzzzzz_

The first thing Phil saw when he woke up the next morning was the notification for Dan’s tweet from the night before. He found himself smiling and opening the tweet, letting his phone take him to Dan’s Twitter. 

It was posted only two hours ago, but given that it was nearing 10am in the UK, that meant it was only 2am in Los Angeles and he was sure Dan was sleeping by now. But something inside of him still moved his fingers for him and suddenly he was typing out: 

**to@danielhowell**

**amazingphil** : hopefully you’re finally sleeping by now! 

The moment that Phil’s fingers subconsciously pressed reply, he had a sinking feeling that this was going to backfire. But he didn’t bother to delete the tweet. He quickly exited the app and threw his phone down beside him. 

Spike was curled into a ball at the end of his bed, snoring in a way where his breath hit Phil’s feet and made them a bit too warm for Phil’s liking. But Spike was sleeping and clearly comfortable so he wasn’t going to bother him. 

He closed his eyes, beginning to feel like he might sleep for an hour or so more when his phone buzzed and he picked it up out of instinct. Seeing what was there caused his eyes to bug and he let out a shocked noise. 

**to@amazingphil**

**danielhowel** l: I still can’t sleep :( 

And with that reply set off a minefield in the replies. Phil’s Twitter began to be spammed by people replying to him or to Dan. He suddenly had people following him that he had no idea who they were but they had Dan’s name in their Twitter handle. 

People were screaming in the replies about the interaction and many more were screaming about how they ‘shipped’ him and Dan together. Phil didn’t even know what _that_ meant. 

He was starting to panic, anxiety rising in his throat. From the end of the bed, he could hear Spike whimper and suddenly, his pup was running to him. Phil wrapped his arms around him and held his dog close, burying his face into Spike’s short fur. 

He took deep breaths. Everything was going to be okay. He had to keep telling himself that. Dan has mentioned his fans multiple times. He’s apologized on behalf of his fans multiple times. 

 _He was going to be fine_.

Phil let go of Spike and picked his phone back up, daring to look at everything. It still looked bad…but not as bad as it was before. He unlocked his phone and went back onto Twitter, assessing the damage. 

Well, there wasn’t a lot of damage per se, just a lot of random people suddenly @‘ing him and following him. He even had a few dm’s but he wasn’t going to open those. He was sure they were from fans who just wanted to know more information about him that he wasn’t willing to give. 

In a freak moment, he went into his settings and privated his Twitter, making it so no one could follow him and no one could message him. He didn’t need that in his life. Not now. 

He was trying to continue to calm down when he got a text from Dan that came through. 

 **Dan:** OH MY GOD i’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen. 

 **Phil:** It wasn’t you. I’m sorry for even replying. 

 **Dan:** You shouldn’t be sorry for that. 

 **Dan:** Point blank, my fans can be intrusive and they can be dicks. I’m really sorry. 

Phil lets out a breath and reaches up, rubbing his hand across his face. If it wasn’t for all that had just happened, he might have felt that his eyes hurt from leaving in his contacts over night. But he’s not concentrated on that. He’s concentrated on this entire…mess. 

His phone suddenly vibrates and Dan’s name pops up that he’s calling him. 

Phil answers without a hesitation. 

“I…I can’t believe that happened, Phil.” 

“I’m not sure I can either.” Phil answers honestly. 

“Did anyone bother you? I saw you privated your Twitter really quickly.” 

“I had quite a few mentions and also I think some dm’s?” Phil felt his breathing pick up. “I’m quite nervous to read them.” 

He heard Dan let out a loud sigh. “Please just―don’t let them bother you, okay? I know that I let them bother me sometimes but you don’t deserve to be bothered.” 

“I’ll try.” 

Phil could almost hear the smile that he was sure Dan now had. “I feel so bad. You have no idea.” 

“It’s not you.” Phil repeats. “I just never thought about the backlash of me replying to you.” 

“This is all a right mess, isn’t it?” Dan laughed. 

Phil found himself laughing too. 

Dan let out another sigh before beginning to speak again. “I have a question and I feel like this is probably coming at a really bad time but I’ve been meaning to ask.” 

Phil feels his heart pick up it’s beating and his hands begin to shake. Spike begins to whimper again and Phil reaches out to pet him to feel better. “Yeah?” 

“Would you care if I came back to London next week between filming?” 

***

“When did you get chummy with the movie star?” 

Phil looks up from his laptop to his brother sat at the small kitchen table in his flat, working on his own laptop for the clothing business that he owned. “What are you talking about?” 

Martyn scoffed. “You know what I mean. Everyone saw what happened on Twitter this morning.” 

“I just replied to him and he replied back.” Phil shrugged. “It can happen to anyone.” 

“Don’t pull that shit on me, Phil.” Martyn laughed. “Are you and Dan dating?” 

Phil quickly shook his head. “No! We’re just friends.” 

Martyn cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?” 

“Martyn…come on.” 

Martyn shrugs and Phil lets out a loud sigh. “We’re not dating. We’re barely even friends.” 

“Do you want to be dating?” 

Phil has to admit that his dating life wasn’t something he had thought about in a while. If he was being fully honest, he was kind of assuming that he was going to remain single for the rest of his life. Mostly considering that he was newly 32 and hadn’t been able to keep a relationship for over a year before it fell apart. 

Phil did find Dan attractive, but who didn’t? Dan was stunning with his brown curls and honey eyes. Phil will never forget how beautiful Dan looked the first time that he met him in person. 

He couldn’t wait to see Dan again next week. 

They had spoken for a while on the phone this morning before Dan complained that he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and Phil told him to go to bed. Dan wanted to come to London but he said he wanted to keep it a secret best he can. So he asked to stay at Phil’s flat and Phil agreed. 

He was nervous for it. But he was also excited but he felt like this would be a really good time to really develop a friendship with Dan that he wanted. He really wanted to be friends with Dan. And if it led to something else― _well, he wouldn’t be mad if it led to something else_. 

But that’s only an if. 

“I wouldn’t mind if we did but I also just want to be his friend right now.’ 

Martyn scoffs again. “You’re lying.” 

“Not every guy I’m friends with is someone that I want to date.” Phil comments with a laugh.

“Well, no.” Martyn says. “I’m not daft enough to believe that. But you’re really going to sit there and tell me that you don’t want to date Daniel Howell?”

“I―I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” 

“Wouldn’t be opposed to it?” Martyn mocked. “Just admit it, Phil. You find Dan attractive. It’s okay.” 

Phil felt his face flush and finally, giving in, he muttered a quick. “I think Dan is really attractive.” 

Martyn let out a little laugh again and went back to typing on his laptop and Phil went back to his own work. 

It felt good for Phil to say that for once. It felt almost as if a weight had been lifted off from him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! Thanks so much for all of the kudos and comments and great reception for this fic! i really cannot thank you enough! 
> 
> That being said, I have some bad news lol There will be no updates to I Want It, I Got It on Sunday February 24th, Wednesday February 27th, or Sunday March 3rd! I know how disappointed and sad you all will be (trust me, I will be too because your comments and feedback fills me with motivation lol) but I'm traveling to Ireland with my friends for 7 days on a vacation through college :) 
> 
> I'll return with an update on March 6th but if that changes and I decide to update earlier, I'll let you know! 
> 
> Thanks again!  
> -Alexis


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> better late than never right? lol see you all on March 6th!

Phil found himself pacing the floors of his flat at 2:30am, waiting for Dan to arrive. Dan had texted him about a half an hour ago to let him know that his flight was descending into London and he had word that his ride was waiting for him already.

He was nervous and he was scared for Dan. He already knew who anxious Dan was as he voiced his worries to him just the night before on Skype. But Phil knew that this time would make it easier for Dan to escape the paparazzi and the fangirls. He wouldn’t even probably see anyone in the airport besides a few stragglers.

His phone began to ring and he jumped, his nerves shooting through his body as he rushed to pick it up from his couch cushion. Dan had just texted him that he was here.

Dan was here. He was actually here.

And Phil has to now let him into the building!

He rushed over to the doorway and slipped on a pair of his slippers and then rushed out his flat with his keys in hand. He walked down the small hallway to the main door and looked out to see Dan stood there outside of the doorway, his hood up and a pair of sunglasses on as his hand remained poised on his suitcase.

Phil opened the door and flashed him a smile. “Hey! You made it?”

Dan’s face lights up and he reaches up, removing his glasses. “I did! Didn’t even see a fan or a camera either. Now let me in before someone does see us.”

Phil quickly moved out of the way and Dan rushed inside the doorway, lugging his black suitcase with him. He was only going to be here for two days, but it looked like he packed for a month.

They made it to Phil’s doorway, and he quickly unlocked it and let Dan inside first. Dan only took a few steps inside and suddenly, the sounds of yipping and some feet startled them both as Spike ripped through the flat to see the new intruder.

Dan’s face instantly melted and he bent down, running his hands through Spike’s fur. “Oh my! Who are you?”

“That’s my puppy Spike.” Phil says, shutting the door so his neighbors don’t complain about Spike’s excited yips.

“Oh! Such a good boy!” Dan exclaimed, ruffling Spike’s fur and playing around with him a little bit. “He’s such an energetic little boy. I wish I had his energy.”

“Oh same!”

Phil doesn’t know why he’s feeling so awkward. He shouldn’t be. He’s spoken with Dan every day for the last week over Skype. This should be fine. They’re friends now.

“Where is your bathroom?”

Phil suddenly snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Dan who is now stood up straighter and waiting for an answer.

“Oh! It’s right now that way,” Phil says as he points down the short hallway to his bedroom. “It’ll be the middle door. If you go into the door on the left, it’ll take you out to my patio and if you take the door to the right, you’ll go to my bedroom.”

Dan lifts an eyebrow and Phil doesn’t know what that means but he feels like the smirk on Dan’s lips go along with it. Dan doesn’t say anything more, he just walks off down the hallway and Phil is left stood there, watching him move.

There is something so graceful about the way he moves his body. His hips move so fluidly and his shoulders stand tall, and straight. It’s eye-catching, that’s for sure. Waiting for Dan to come back out, Phil begins to get the couch ready for him.

They hadn’t discussed where Dan would be sleeping, but Phil assumed it was going to be the couch anyway. He doesn’t have a guest bedroom.

Dan comes out a few moments later, his sweatshirt taken off and carried in his arms as he walks back into the living room. “So I began to get the couch ready for you.” Phil says. “It doesn’t fold out into a bed but it’s kind of wide so…”

“Oh, that’s fine.” Dan says. “I’m quite tired so I’m sure even a couch will feel amazing.”

“I have some blankets here.” Phil says, pointing to the set of blankets that are poised where he just placed them on the end of the couch. “I don’t have extra pillows off hand but the couch pillows normally work good when I fall asleep on here.”

Dan chuckles and shrugs. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“Well, if they’re not, just knock on my bedroom door.”

Dan nods and picks up one of the blankets, beginning to shake it out as Spike takes it to be a toy and yips at the fabric. Phil chuckles and bends down, picking up the pup in his arms. “If you want to start getting ready for bed, I’ll take Spike out to the bathroom one more time and then you can do whatever you need to.”

Phil didn’t know if Dan had a routine at night but he kind assumed he might need a shower or something. But instead of moving around or doing anything, Dan just fell onto the couch and pulled the blanket over him and looked up at Phil. “Listen, mate. I’m probably going to be asleep before you even get back inside.”

“Want me to shut the light off?” Phil asks, already walking that direction with Spike wiggling in his arms.

He was over to the switch, getting ready to press it down when he realized he never got an answer from Dan. He turned and looked and Dan was already curled into the blanket, his head peaking out from under the fabric of the blanket. He chuckled, and shut off the light, letting the room flood with darkness as he took the short way out to the courtyard and let out Spike one last time.

When he came back in and took Spike with him to his room, he swore he could hear the light sounds of airy breaths coming from the living and really, he didn’t realize how lonely he was in his flat until that moment.

***

Morning came and Phil could hear footsteps outside of his bedroom. It took a moment of thinking to figure out who was walking around his flat, but eventually he shot up in bed and remembered that Dan was staying here for a few days.

Looking around his room, he didn’t see Spike laying next to him and he laid back, chuckling at how Spike was probably hounding Dan for his morning fed and Dan wouldn’t even know what to do.

He slowly adjusted to waking up, allowing for his eyes to adjust before he reached over onto his nightstand and grabbed his glasses, placing them on his face. He sat up, throwing back his covers, and swung his feet around to land on the plush carpet underneath. He slowly walked out of his bedroom and down the short hallway into the living room.

Dan was laying on the couch, his laptop poised on his chest as he browsed through it and Spike was laying on the other end by his feet. “How did you sleep?”

Dan turned his neck and looked at Phil. “Pretty good but jet leg got me and I was awake by 8.”

Phil looked around his living room for his clock under the TV and he saw it was a little after 11am. He didn’t realize he had slept that long. “I’m sorry for sleeping in this late if you’ve been awake this long.”

Dan chuckled and shrugged. “It wasn’t a big deal. Spike kept me company anyway and I managed to get onto your wifi because why do you have your wifi named team rocket power HQ and your password as buffysummers? That’s so predictable.”

Phil shrugged. “I thought it was good.”

“You’re too predictable, mate.” Dan said with a laugh. “Literally what were you thinking with the password hint of ‘main character in Buffy’. Everyone is going to know that, you doofus.”

Phil blushed again but Dan found it comical. “Spike approves.”

“Do you have any plans today?” Dan asked, changing the subject as he closed the top of his laptop and placed it onto the floor with a gentle hand. “I kind of want to explore London.”

Phil felt his stomach clench. “But what about what happened last time?”

Dan shrugged. “I can’t let the fans stop me every time I want to do something that I want to do. I want to explore London and I shouldn’t let them hold me back, right?”

“Well, no.” Phil answers truthfully. “But…”

“Let’s go out.” Dan says suddenly. “Not even like to the eye or to Westminster Abbey but just like, to a park, maybe? Is there a park around here?”

Phil nods, because yes, there is a park around here. In fact, it’s right down the street from his flat. He takes Spike there all of the time and it’s normally not that busy.

“Yeah, there is one right down the street.”

Dan flashes that smile at him again and he grabs his phone, which was for some reason on the floor, and shoves it into his pocket. As he stands up, he grabs his suitcase and opens it, beginning to pull out a pair of jeans and a nice, black sweater. Phil finds himself watching Dan, even though he should really be getting ready. He hadn’t even brushed his teeth yet.

He snaps out of his haze when Dan smirks at him and then picks up his clothing and carries it in his arms down the hallway to the bathroom, leaving Phil stood there in his living room. Spike looks up at him from the couch with a confused look and Phil just smiles at the pup.

While Dan is getting dressed, Phil wanders back to his room and gets dressed himself. He pulls on just a plaid shirt and his classic black jeans and then grabs his white Vans from the shoe rack.

He hears the bathroom door open outside and he steps out his bedroom just in time to see Dan walk out, fully dressed, with his hair styled near perfect again. Phil finds himself blushing, not even knowing why, and he quickly ducks his head and walks to the bathroom, avoiding eye contact.

He shouldn’t feel this awkward about it. He looks at himself in the mirror and lets out a staggered breath. This is ridiculous. He was crushing on Dan and that was it. There was no reason for this…this teenage girl behavior. It was embarrassing―well, it was embarrassing to him anyway.

He pushes those thoughts out of his head and leaves the bathroom as soon as he’s done putting in his contacts and brushing his teeth. He takes one final look in the mirror and walks out.

“Ready to go?” Dan asks and Phil nods as he grabs Spike’s lead from the closet and bends down, putting it on the excited pup.

They leave Phil’s flat, Spike leading the way with his excited prancing. Phil notices that Dan has put on a hoodie and has put his hood up and put the sunglasses back on. He feels quite bad that he’s hiding himself like he is but he also doesn’t mind if that means Dan feels safer and more at ease.

The walk to the park is short and Phil feels relieved when they arrive there and hardly no one is walking around. A few stray people are but they aren’t paying attention to anything around them. Mostly just to the wind that rustled the trees and the overcast skies that were probably going to bring rain soon.

They find their way over to a bench by the fountain and Phil sits down first as he holds Spike on his leash from running and sniffing every person and child walking around. Dan sits down next to him and takes his sunglasses off which is a big step, Phil assumes.

“Tell me a bit about yourself.”

Phil looks over at Dan and sees Dan staring at him with intent. Almost as if he’s searching in Phil for the answer to his own question.

“What do you want to know?” Phil asks, feeling the tugging on his hand from Spike. He quickly shoots Spike a glance and the pup whines before obeying and sitting down next to Phil’s feet.

“What’s your middle name?”

“Michael.” Phil says. “What about you?”

“James.” Dan says. “Surprised you didn’t already know that.”

“And why’s that?”

“I just assumed you probably looked me up on Wikipedia.”

Phil let out a choked noise and Dan’s head fell back in a laugh. Phil blushed, his face flushing for a millionth time that day. “Well did you?”

Dan’s suddenly serious again as he tips his head back to look at Phil, a rosy patch now taking form on his cheek. Phil found himself staring at it before he remembered that he was being asked a question.

“Yeah…”

Dan let out a giggle. “It’s okay, mate. I’m not offended.”

Phil finds himself not knowing what to say. He’s at a constant loss of words when he’s sitting beside Dan but suddenly, the awkwardness of not knowing what to say and how to say it without making a fool of himself is taking over his social needs.

“What did you do before you moved here?” Dan asks. “You did say you moved here right? Where are you from?”

“I’m from Rawtenstall. It’s a little town near Manchester.” Phil answers first. “But I went to university in York. I got a masters from there as well.”

“That’s actually amazing.” Dan says with a genuine smile. “I never got the chance to apply for college or anything. My parent’s thought maybe I could go to UCLA or something like that but it didn’t work. I was too focused on my acting career―or really what little it was―to care about a formal college.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, though.” Phil begins. “College isn’t always the answer. My initial degree was in linguistics and I honestly don’t even know what to do with it.”

“I considered studying law.”

Phil finds his eyes widening as he looks over to Dan and the nonchalant pose he’s sporting as he picks at a burr on his fingernail. “Law?”

Dan nods. “Uh huh.” Dan says, looking up from his polished fingers to Phil. “It was an actual consideration of mine. Never would have ever done it though.”

“I wanted to be a YouTuber.”

Once the words are out of Phil’s mouth, he kind of wants to suck them back in. He holds his breath waiting for Dan to say something. Did Dan even watch YouTube? Did he know the significance of it?

“A YouTuber?” Dan asks, turning on the bench. “You mean like Shane Dawson?”

“Well, maybe not his level of videos with his docu-series and conspiracy theory videos, but I used to make videos back in the day. Just short ones. Ones like, reading my fortune with tarot cards or buying weird things online.”

“Why did you stop?” Dan asks.

“Because I got the job at the BBC and life kind of got in the way.”

“Why don’t you start making videos again?” Dan asks. “You say you want to, but why don’t you?”

“Time, mostly.” Phil answers honestly. “The BBC takes up a bit of my free time but I also spend time with my brother a lot and my friend PJ.”

“You should make videos again.” Dan says, continuing the subject. “I’d love to help you out.”

“I’m not even sure if I’d remember how to be entertaining.”

“You’re entertaining me right now?” Dan says, a glimmer in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.

Phil scoffs but follows it with a light laugh. “Not sure about that.”

“Come on!” Dan whines. Phil finds Dan’s whiney voice to actually be…kind of cute? Is that even possible? “We should go back to your flat and make a video! It’ll be fun!”

“I’m not sure.”

“You said you wanted to be a YouTuber and you gave it up, obviously there is a reason for you still wanting to be one. I always wanted to be a famous actor and the amount of auditions I went to where people told me I’d never be one and then let me sob in their hallway should have deterred me. But I did it, didn’t I? You shouldn’t have let some job at the BBC deter you away from being a YouTuber.”

Phil was floored at Dan’s words but they cut right to his heart and he found his eyes even welling up a bit as he thought to the forgotten dream he had given up when he moved to London and began work for the BBC. “I’m not even sure that I have a good camera or anything anymore.”

“Then we’ll go buy one!” Dan says, suddenly standing up from the bench and grabbing Phil’s arm to pull him up as well.

Phil found himself laughing, and smiling so widely. What was Dan Howell doing to him?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise? lol I came back and had the chapter ready and figured I kept you all waiting long enough! Also: before you all read. I have a very important poll that I need you to check out! You don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to, but I'd really appreciate the input!  
>  __  
> [Link to Poll](https://goo.gl/forms/S4k4YZp9WSPw45EH3)  
> 

“What kind of video do you want to make?” 

Phil is still busy turning on the brand new camera and making sure everything worked to really comprehend that Dan had even spoke. He’d been relatively quiet the entire time. Well, besides when they were in the store and Dan couldn’t stop talking about the different cameras and which one he figured Phil should get. 

“What?”

“I asked what kind of video you were thinking about making.” Dan repeats, his head resting on his hands as his elbows sit on the ledge of Phil’s breakfast bar. 

“Oh, I’m not sure yet.” Phil answered truthfully. He hasn’t thought about YouTube in years and the only time he ever went online to watch a video was when he needed to look up how to do something on Photoshop or how to beat a level in a game. Other than that, he focused mainly on his Netflix account. 

“Well,” Dan said, drawing out the word. “What about doing something like what you mentioned earlier?” 

“I don’t remember how to read tarot cards.” 

“Not that!” Dan chuckled, rolling his eyes in a playful manner. “I was talking about that buying weird things video you mentioned earlier! You could do that? I mean, that sounds entertaining to me and you said before you didn’t know if you could remember how to be entertaining for your audience.” 

Phil found himself shrugging as he removed the battery from the slot in the camera and place it on the charger in the wall. When he was finished doing that, he laid his camera off to the side and finally answered Dan. “I’m not sure if people even like those types of videos anymore.” 

“Well, let’s see if they do.” Dan says, pulling his cell phone out of pocket and setting it down on the counter as he clicked on the YouTube app and opened it up. 

Phil looked at the screen and watched as Dan typed with two fingers ‘buying weird things’ into the search bar. Sure enough, hundreds of videos came up with millions of views. 

But Phil wasn’t sure if he wanted to do that anymore. 

Was that really good content to come back with? He didn’t feel like it. 

“There’s tons.” Dan said, which Phil could already see. “Looks like it’s very popular.” 

“I’m not sure if I want to do that now, though.” Phil answered truthfully as he walked around the bar and took a seat on the stool next to Dan. “That’s not really comeback material.” 

“Hmmm.” Dan hums as he taps on the trending tag and scrolls through the videos. “There is this like smoothie challenge that’s trending right now?” 

Phil pursed his lips. He remembered that smoothie challenge from years before. But it’s trending, so maybe it’s something that came back? Phil wasn’t sure if he was being honest.

“I’m not sure.” 

“It might be fun.” Dan says, tapping the video and letting it play with the sound off but the captions on. “So it looks like they’re just putting numbers to random food and then you draw like four numbers and that’s what you use in your smoothie?” 

“I remember this trend from years ago.” Phil says with a chuckle. 

“Looks like it’s trending again.” Dan said back. “We should do it.” 

“We?” 

Phil feels himself caught of guard. Did he hear Dan right? Was Dan really thinking about being in the video with him? This was new. He wasn’t aware that Dan wanted to join in the video. 

“Yeah.” Dan says, looking at Phil with a smirk across his lips. “Unless you don’t want me to.” 

Phil quickly shook his head. “No!” He says, feeling a smile begin on his own lips. “I think it’ll be fun to do a video together.” 

***

“Dan!” Phil screamed as he looked at how much BBQ sauce Dan was dumping into the blender along with the strawberries and lettuce Phil already had to add to his smoothie. “That’s way too much!” 

Dan rolled his eyes and cut off the flow of the bottle. “Pathetic.” 

“What!” Phil countered with a loud laugh. “You put half of the bloody bottle into the blender!” 

Dan waved it off and put the top on the blender and pressed the button. “You’ll live.” 

“No I won’t!” 

The sound of blender whirling cut through his thoughts as anxiety rose in his stomach at the thought of having to drink…that. It look disgusting and vile. And he wasn’t prepared to down even a sip of it. 

When it was blended, Dan pulled it up off from the base and pulled the top off. The smell of the BBQ sauce over took anything that Phil had ever smelled before he felt himself begin to gag. He turned away and hid his nose. “I’m not drinking that.” 

“You have to.” Dan said, finishing pouring the drink―if you could even call it that―into the glass. “Just a sip. I’ll do one too.” 

“NO!” Phil argued. “You can’t make me!” 

“Just a sip.” Dan said, holding out the brown glass to him. “Literally just wet your lips. Like you’re tasting wine.” 

“Well this is not wine.” 

Dan held it up to his nose and took one little sniff before he loudly coughed and sputtered, handing the glass quickly to Phil. “That is vile as fuck.” 

“I’m not drinking this.” 

Dan put it down on the counter and pushed it Phil’s way. “We’ve filmed it this far, just take a sip.” 

Phil looked down at the glass and felt his stomach knot and twist at the anticipation of the drink. He picked up the glass and slowly brought it up to his mouth. He tipped it, letting the liquid hit his lips and he immediately pulled the glass away at the taste. 

He brought the glass down to the corner and swatted his hands as he tried to distract his mind from the taste. He squealed and rushed to the sink as Dan laughed hysterically behind him. He grabbed the nearest glass and filled it with water before taking a massive swig of it and washing his mouth out. 

Phil turned around to see Dan still laughing, nearly doubled over now and clutching his ribs. “You try that!” Phil said as he pointed to the glass. “It’s vile!” 

“I’m not trying that, mate.” Dan said, wiping the tears of laughter from his cheeks. 

“You made me do it!” 

Dan side-eyed Phil and cocked his eyebrow as he slowly picked up the glass. While keeping eye-contact with Phil, he took a mouthful of the liquid and his face immediately showed regret. He dropped the glass down onto the counter, not smashing it, and rushed to the sink before Phil. 

He turned the faucet on and spit out everything from his mouth. He cupped his hands under the faucet and began bringing water to his mouth as he quickly washed out the taste, same as Phil. 

Phil found himself laughing harder than he has in years. This video was probably a mistake, but he hasn’t laughed this hard in a long time and it felt really good to do so. 

Just twenty minutes later, with the kitchen cleaned up and everything back into their places, Phil was grabbing the camera from the tripod and pulling out the SD card. Dan was sat on the couch next to Phil, scrolling through his phone as Phil pushed the SD card into his laptop and began to download the files. 

“New Twitter story about me.” 

Phil turns his head and sees Dan staring at his phone with a defeated look. 

“What is it about this time?” 

Dan lets out a sigh and locks his phone. “They saw me at the park earlier―paparazzi did―and now it’s a headline that I’m here in London.” 

Phil felt his heartbeat speed up. Did they see him and Spike with Dan as well? 

“Did they see us?” 

Dan shook his head. “No. The only picture I saw was me walking towards the Costa near the park.” 

Oh yeah, Costa. They had stopped their quickly for lunch following their outing to buy Phil’s new camera. Phil didn’t particularly like Costa but he preferred it over some other places. 

“Oh.” Phil says just as his computer finishes loading the files and he begins to open up an old version of Final Cut Pro that he forgot he even had until earlier. “Is the story bad?” 

Dan shrugged. “I’ve seen worse.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Dan looks at him and shakes his head. “Don’t be.” He says, his voice soft. “I’m used to it.” 

The tone of Dan’s words are enough to make Phil feel a pit of sadness in his chest but he ignores it. He knows that Dan doesn’t need protecting. Dan handles a lot of his sadness and anxious feelings within his own mind and that’s okay. 

Phil begins to cut the video and piece it together when he hears soft snoring next to him. He turns his head and sees Dan, his head tilted to the side and his mouth slightly ajar. Phil finds himself smiling. 

Dan sleeping looked peaceful. The permanent bags under his eyes that Dan had noticed earlier were softened and the overall anxious look he always was sporting was also gone. His body wasn’t tense, it was relaxed. 

Phil found that sleeping Dan was his favorite Dan so far…because he knew that sleeping Dan had nothing to worry about. He had no paparazzi chasing after him. He didn’t need a black hoodie and sunglasses. 

He was able to just live in a state where none of that existed. Phil had known from multiple talks that Dan wanted that more than anything. He wanted a slightly normal life than the one he has. 

And while he was sleeping, he got that.

Phil got up from the couch, leaving Dan behind to go to his bedroom with Spike on his heels. He placed a gentle blanket over Dan’s form and shut the light off before he went to his bedroom. 

He was excited to see what tomorrow as going to bring for them, especially with this new video to go live soon.


	11. Chapter 11

For Phil, clicking publish on his video was, undoubtedly, one of the hardest things he has had to do in a long time. He spent the evening editing the video with Dan watching from the sidelines to get a better look at what editing was really like. And when he was done, he processed it to his YouTube page and waited to publish it. 

But now it was ready, he felt his chest tighten. This was a big deal. This was a big deal because this video was the first one he posted in…6 years? Had it really been that long? 

He was nervous for the comeback. 

He was nervous for the comments, the tweets and for everything else that is going to come out when everyone sees Dan in the thumbnail. He was nervous for the queued tweet that he has ready to go saying “NOT CLICKBAIT. NEW VIDEO FEATURING DANIEL HOWELL”. 

“I’m not sure about this.” 

Dan looked at where Phil’s finger was poised over the trackpad. “Not sure about what?” 

“About posting the video.” Phil said, his hand now beginning to shake slightly. 

He turned his head and looked at Dan, trying to ignore that he saw a little bit of disappointment behind his eyes. “You don’t have to post it if you don’t want to.” 

“I…I know.” Phil said, his voice quivering. “I think I’m just nervous.” 

Phil looked back at the screen and watched his mouse hover over the button. He shouldn’t be this nervous. Maybe if it was just a video of himself, he wouldn’t be. But surely just knowing Dan was in the video shouldn’t be the only reason why he’s nervous? 

He pressed his fingers down and the video went live. 

He felt all air escape his lungs and looked over at Dan was smiling. “Send me the link and I’ll post it on my Twitter.” 

Phil quickly copied the link with shaking hands and then sent it to Dan. As soon as Dan tweeted out the link, Phil shut his laptop down and took a few stuttering breaths. He needed to relax and to calm down. There was no point in getting worked up over something that he couldn’t really change anymore…well, he could. But hypothetically he couldn’t. 

He tweeted out the same tweet he had queued in his drafts and then he retweeted Dan’s tweet and then sat back, staring at his phone. He shouldn’t have been surprised at how his name was trending. Nor should he have been surprised at the amount of follow requests he received as well. 

He accepted none of them and closed the app, turning off his notifications for Twitter so he wouldn’t have to see them. 

“I have to fly back to LA tomorrow morning.” Dan says, out of the blue, as they remained sat on Phil’s couch. “Filming begins again tomorrow night. I have to catch a plane at half past 6 tomorrow morning.” 

Phil couldn’t help but feel the pang in his chest from Dan’s words. “So soon?” He found himself asking. 

Dan let out a sigh. “Unfortunately.” He paused. “Tomorrow I get to film a sex scene.” 

Phil quickly turned his head. “A sex scene?” 

Dan nodded. “Yes, with Mimei.” 

“That sounds…awkward?” Phil asked, finding himself chuckle. 

“Oh it’s going to be incredibly awkward.” Dan said with a loud laugh. “Not only is it a sex scene which like, don’t get me wrong, I love having sex, but not staged sex? And even though this is obviously not sex and we’ll not be actually fornicating, the thought that I have to go through the motions completely staged is a little bit repulsing.” 

“I don’t think I could do it.” Phil answered truthfully. “I’m awkward enough about life in general. I can’t imagine having to fake have sex with a person while being filmed.” 

“I’ve done it before.” Dan says, his eyes staring straight ahead. “It was for an Indie Movie that I did prior to me becoming famous. It was with my ex-boyfriend.” 

Dan swallowed and then continued. “It wasn’t bad? But that could have also been because we were used to having sex anyway so staging it wasn’t quite that hard to do.” 

“I don’t think I could ever do it.” Phil repeats. 

“I think it would be less awkward for me if it wasn’t with a Mimei.” Dan says. “Like, if it was with a guy, I think I’d be better off.” 

Phil was a little bit taken back by the openness of this conversation he was having with Dan. He wasn’t expecting for Dan to openly be speaking to sex about him. It was a little bit dizzying given all of the circumstances of today. 

“Oh same.” Phil found himself choking out.

“Oh?” Dan says, a smile playing on his lips.

“I just prefer to have sex with guys.” 

Phil felt like he was choking on his own air. He was having trouble registering in his mind that he had just come out to Dan. Not directly, but he still kind of did. And it was a big deal. It was a massive deal, actually. Because up until him telling this to Dan, his family and PJ and Sophie were the only ones who knew about his sexuality. 

“You probably already knew about me.” Dan says. “And my preference over who I like.” 

Phil feels slightly embarrassed and ashamed. He had read about it on Wikipedia, that sensitive information not even hidden from the public, but plastered onto this website with millions of visitors a day. 

“I’m sorry that you don’t get to have privacy anymore.” 

Dan shrugs. It’s a genuine shrug, not one that is just blowing off what Phil had said. “At least my sex tape hasn’t been released.” 

Phil’s eyes bug out of his head and Dan’s lets out a loud laugh. 

“I’m kidding mate. I don’t have a sex tape…or at least I don’t think I do.” 

***

To say the video went viral was an understatement by far. Within just the first ten hours, the video already had 3 million views and was growing by the second. News sites were writing stories about the video and about Dan being in it, of course Phil was mentioned as well but a lot more sparingly. 

Phil could see now what it felt like to have people saying your name in every news story or in every twitter mention. He couldn’t even keep up with all of the people requesting to follow him so, unwillingly, he unprivated his Twitter and let the follows happen. He went from just under 30k followers to almost 100k in the first three hours. By the next morning, he had nearly 350k followers, all of which were from Dan. 

It was overwhelming. He was overwhelmed. 

Dan knew that though. Which is why Dan suggested they order out from some greasy food place and indulge their feelings in some plastic tasting pizza. Phil never ordered Dominos, but he had to admit that it tasted good on his palette and was definitely a comfort food. 

Spike already appreciated having bites of sausage given to him as well as he sat on Phil’s feet. 

“So your video went viral.” Dan says, between bites of pizza and whatever dipping sauce he was using. “Not gonna lie, didn’t quite expect that to happen.” 

“Me neither.” Phil answered honestly. “My channel is growing and my Twitter is as well. I’m scared to go into the comments.” 

“How did you learn to edit?” 

The fast change in topic gave Phil a little bit of whiplash but he recovered fast. He rather enjoyed being able to answer questions about how he learned to do YouTube or how he learned his video editing skills, even if they are a bit rusty. 

“I got a masters degree is video editing and post production from the University of York.” He says. “I never really used it unless I was doing videos. I wanted to be a director for a little while, but I knew it wasn’t a realistic dream so that’s why I did YouTube. But I got hired at the BBC by pure luck and I haven’t really gotten a chance to use those skills.” 

“That’s really cool actually.” Dan says, setting down his slice of pizza back onto his plate. “I’ve never been allowed in the editing room of a movie, not even when I did Indie Films in high school. But I’ve always wanted to know what the process was like. Like being able to chose the frames you want or the takes you want. Sometimes when I attend my movie premieres and I watch the films, I get mad that the editor chose to use my bad takes or my bad sides and I wish I had a bit more control over it.” 

“You don’t have a bad side.” 

When Phil caught wind of the words leaving his mouth, he looked up from his own plate, and stared at Dan. His cheeks were flushed red and he was holding his lips in a thin line, almost to keep himself from smiling. Phil wished he would give in and just smile. 

“That’s not true.” 

“No it is true.” Phil continues, his mouth just moving without his control over what was being said. “It is true because…” 

He’s destined to never finish that sentence because Dan’s phone begins to ring loudly on the counter, interrupting them with the shrill sound of the default phone ring. 

Dan grabs his phone and answers it, abruptly leaving his pizza behind to cool on the plate. 

Phil lets out a loud sigh and looks down at Spike who is whimpering for another table scrap at his feet. He just nods and picks off a piece of pepperoni and hands it to Spike with a sad chuckle. 

“I’d like to think you’re whimpering at the secondhand embarrassment but I know you just want more food.” Phil whispers, scratching behind Spikes ear. “To be fair, I didn’t even know what I was going to say anyway. This was probably for the best.” 

Phil remained sitting in the kitchen while he heard the telltale footsteps of Dan pacing back and forth somewhere down the short hallway towards the bathroom. He couldn’t make out anything Dan was saying, but he actually didn’t want to. It always felt like a weird breach of privacy to listen to someone else’s phone conversation. 

When Dan returns, his face is flustered and his shoulders are tense. He slides back into his sit and picks at his pizza slice haphazardly with his fingers. “Marianne, my manager, just called. She said doing the video was a bad PR move. I don’t see how but she’s really mad.” 

Phil felt his heart fall out his chest. He knew that he shouldn’t have posted the video. He knew it! 

“I’m sorry. I knew we shouldn’t have posted it.” 

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m not mad that we posted it. I’m just…I want to do things that I want to do. I wanted to do the video with you. I wanted to be a part of it. I don’t understand how it’s a bad PR move but whatever.” 

Phil could sense the frustration in Dan’s voice and when he looked at Dan, he could see the beginnings of unshed tears glazing his eyes. Dan sniffled, confirming Phil’s thoughts, and as soon as the first tear made way down Dan’s cheek, Phil immediately thrusted a bunch of napkins to him to help. 

Dan wiped his eyes and refused to make eye-contact with Phil. Phil felt his heart clench every time Dan sniffled and wiped at his eyes. He watched as the tears slowly stopped and all that was left was Dan’s bloodshot eyes in their wake. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan apologizes. “I just get really overwhelmed.” 

“You have every right to be upset, Dan.” Phil says. His hand reaches out and suddenly, it’s laying on top of Dan’s arm, his fingers laying into the fuzzy fabric of his sweater. “You should be able to do what you want to do.” 

“It’s pretty ironic.” Dan says with a laugh. “Just this morning, I was giving you the same talk and now you’re sitting here and giving me it.” 

Phil did have to admit it was pretty ironic, but that didn’t make the situation any less complicated or hurtful for either one of them. 

“I think I need some time to myself.” Dan said, suddenly standing up. “Do you mind if I…” 

“You can lay down in my bedroom if you’d like.” Phil said, letting his hand fall from Dan’s arm to the counter. “I don’t mind.” 

“I think I just need a few hours away from social media and from my managers constant nagging and calling. I’m sorry for being such a shit guest.” 

“It’s okay.” 

And it really was okay. Phil didn’t mind that Dan needed some alone time, he did as well. He needed time to process what had happened. He watched Dan’s back as he retreated to be alone and Phil remained sat down, the pizza now cold on the counter. 

Today had been unlike any other day Phil had ever had before in his life. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've rebranded to match my tumblr lol so I was lilacskylester prior to yiffandquiff but I felt like it might be confusing if my tumblr and my Ao3 didn't match up so that's why you see that change! 
> 
> First: a housekeeping item.  
> Updates are going to be every Sunday now until I get back ahead of myself writing! I’m running the risk of catching up with myself and I don’t want to write chapters week to week, I’d prefer to have them done in advance! And I also want to produce more chapters that are longer! I feel bad that these updates are so short because 1.9k doesn't do a lot when you've been waiting for a chapter! And this chapter definitely is more of a filler/story progressor so I want to do longer chapters to move the story along more! 
> 
> Also, please heed the rating change as the fic is staying as explicit from this point forward!

It was hard for Phil to watch Dan leave the next morning, that he will admit. He never expected to feel such a gutted sensation in his chest to see Dan get into the black cab and drive off into the distance.

He got used to having another person in his life, living at his flat even if it was just for three days. So to go from hearing Dan to having radio silence again was hard. He even thought for a moment that Spike felt the same way with the way he whimpered for minutes after Dan left.

He fell asleep, not long after. And he tried his best to sleep in before he had to go back to the BBC for his next shift. By 10am, he was already catching the tube to the BBC and he was already missing the last few days.

PJ was already in the office before him, sitting at his laptop and scribbling on a piece of blank paper. “Morning.” Phil says, setting down his bag at his desk and plopping into the chair. “How was your weekend?”

“Quite eventful actually.” PJ answered, looking from his laptop and leaning back in his seat. “Sophie and I went to visit her parents in Brighton.” He paused. “Although, I don’t think our weekend was quite as eventful as yours. When were you gonna tell me that you and Daniel Howell were shacking up in your flat?!”

Phil’s eyes widened and he immediately stood up, walked over to the door of their office, and shut it before returning back to his desk. “Okay, listen.” Phil began. “Dan wanted to come back to London without being noticed so he stayed at my flat this weekend. It was nothing more.”

“Well, you two certainly made a mark with that video you posted.”

“What are you talking about?” Phil questioned. “It was just a harmless video.”

“Have you even been on social media since you posted it?” PJ asked, suddenly turning his laptop around to show Phil the screen.

Phil gulped, and read the first headline.

“HEART EYES HOWELL? IS THIS THE NEW MYSTERIOUS MAN IN DANIEL HOWELL’S LIFE”

“PJ, you know that’s bullshit!” Phil cried, pointing at the screen. “Dan and I are just friends!”

PJ threw his hands up. “Calm down, mate.” He said, his voice soft. “I know that. But I’m just telling you what every single story is about. Your video is the product of every entertainment news source out there. Everybody who watched your video is commenting about how you and Dan acted in it. That’s all I’m saying.”

Phil felt his body tense but then relax. PJ wasn’t trying to be rude or even aggressive, he was just looking out for Phil. He had to remember that. That’s exactly why PJ was showing Phil these headlines now and not letting Phil discover them for himself.

“I’m sorry.” Phil said, letting out a breath. “I’ve been on edge about the entire thing. The video was Dan’s idea but I also agreed to it.”

PJ nodded and reached down, turning his laptop back to face him again, the headline no longer glaring Phil in the face.

“Phil, can I ask you something.”

Phil felt his stomach drop, and his heart pick up speed. Looking closely, one could probably see the way Phil’s chest was beating so hard through his jumper.

“Are you and Dan dating?”

Phil knew the question was coming and even though the answer was, without a doubt, no, he still felt a multitude of answers go through his head as he began to process it. He could say any number of responses from no to I want to. But he doesn’t know the correct response.

“No.” Phil says finally. “Dan and I are not dating.”

There is a lull in the air, his words hanging like a string in front of them. PJ looks down at his desk and then back up at Phil. “You’d tell me if you two were together right? Like you wouldn’t let me find it out over some stupid headline?”

Phil nodded. “If Dan and I ever date, then I’ll tell you.”

PJ flashed him a smile and Phil flashed one back.

The room remained silent as they worked on their own assignments, and when it came time for them to leave, they both took the same tube train and went out to coffee and dinner at a local cafe.

***

Phil found it hard to go back onto social media. He found it incredibly difficult to even open up his Twitter app or even his Facebook. The worst part yet was that his brother and even his mum had texted him as well, talking about the video and asking all sorts of questions. He particularly didn’t want to answer anyone.

His afternoon found himself sitting on his couch with Spike between his feet on the floor, chewing on a new toy Phil had found in his closet, still in the packaging. Spike didn’t ruin toys easily so Phil never bought him anything. So for Spike, even though it was only February, it was Christmas.

Speaking of February, Valentine’s Day was in two days and Phil was feeling the soft pit in his stomach at, once again, not having anyone to share it with. Last year, he had opted for a sad hook up via Grindr that he regretted almost as soon as it was over―which granted, it only lasted around five minutes.

But this year, he didn’t have any plans besides sitting at home with Spike and thinking of Dan. It’s hitting him pretty hard now, he’s decided. This crush has turned into more and he’s definitely seeing that now as he lets out a loud sigh, causing Spike to look up at him before he returning to his gnawing.

He supposes that it’ll be just as pathetic this year, eating chocolate alone (even though he’s allergic but not bad enough where he’ll willingly give it up) and indulging in some self-love that night.

Thinking about it now, he doesn’t even remember the last time he got himself off. It’s kind of sad really. He’s been so preoccupied with Dan that he hasn’t even had time to really think about his own needs.

He shakes his head. He shouldn’t be ashamed about getting himself off in his own time. And maybe, deep down, he’s not. But he is ashamed about the fact that he’s currently thinking about Dan and about getting himself off all in the same thought.

But surely he’s not alone in this right? It’s not entirely a bad thing to think of someone so attractive that you could get off to their image? Isn’t that just porn? Phil’s gotten off to a lot of porn over his teenage and adult year.

This is dumb. And worst of all, his pants are feeling tighter as he continues to think about porn and other images in his head. And even worse yet, he’s imaging Dan’s face, the way his dimples sunk into his skin as he spoke or even smiled. How would they look as Dan was in the throes of pleasure?

Heat begins to course in his stomach and he finds himself feeling the urges of arousal. He stood up from the couch, leaving Spike behind as he walked to his bedroom and shut the door, not particularly feeling like he was willing to jerk off with Spike watching him.

Phil unlocked his phone and goes into Safari, clicking on incognito mode as he types in his favorite porn site into the search bar. He’s nearly clicking on the link to the site, his left hand already palming himself through his pajama pants when he gets possibly the worst thought in his head.

He suddenly finds himself googling “Dan Howell sex scene”. Dan had mentioned that he did an indie film with his ex-boyfriend that involved a sex scene. God, why is he trying to find this? This has to be wrong?

But yet, he’s clicking on a link to it and the video comes up on his phone screen and there is Dan, shirtless on a bed kissing some hunky blonde. He looks younger than the Dan he knows now. For one, his hair is longer and pin-straight. Not even a curl in site. And his body is less defined, much skinnier than he is now. His heart races and he sees the name of the movie credited by the video. Rain of Colorado. He quickly googles the name of the film and finds out that it was filmed in 2014 and that makes him feel a lot less guilty over getting off on it considering Dan would be 23.

He goes back to the original tab with the video and presses play and instantly, his senses are overloaded. Dan’s moans coming from the kisses are actually pornographic. His body language and his shirtless torso is…breathtaking. Phil feels his body let out a little moan as he reaches down into his pants and takes himself into his hold, stroking slowly to get himself to full hardness.

The video continues and suddenly Dan is underneath this guy, the camera is showing them moving together are one, the bed moving with them. The headboard is hitting the wall and banging like a drum to Phil’s ears.

The scene ends just as both Dan and his ex appear to orgasm. And of course it is all fake but Phil still feels his breath shorten and his cock leak in his palm as he strokes faster and faster. He reaches down, the phone tossed to the side, and pulls his pants down under hardened cock, letting it hit his stomach with a wet smack. He spits into his hand for some extra leverage and picks up his pace, stroking himself with more and more eagerness.

It feels amazing, despite it being only his hand.

He’s imagining Dan’s face as he orgasmed on film. His mind flashed to how amazing Dan would look under him as Phil thrusts into him and over and over again as they chase their high. Or maybe it would be Dan thrusting into Phil. He’s likes both sides.

The heat coils in his stomach way too fast for his liking and he cups his left hand over the head of his cock just in time to catch his release, streaking white over his fingers. His body is heaving and he’s breathing way too hard but the release was enough to rest his tired and tense muscles and his constantly overthinking brain.

He reaches to his nightstand and grabs a wad of tissues as he wipes off his hand and then tosses the tissues in his waste bin. He should get up and wash off, even take a shower, but he’s feeling too much like jelly to stand.

He tucks himself back into his pants and then grabs his phone, closing the video and closing out of the tab. He goes back to his home screen and notices a little red bubble next to his messages app and he opens it, reading the message.

 **Dan:** That was the worst scene I’ve ever filmed and I actually feel a bit humiliated are you able to talk?

His heart falls out of his chest and he suddenly feels like he’s going to be sick.

But he answers anyway.

 **Phil:** Of course! Call whenever you’re ready!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! i had this chapter done so I decided to post it anyway :) don't get used to having the same upload schedule though if I do in fact have chapters done. This is just because this chapter is 3.4k and i think it's the best I've written so far so I'm eager to see you guys read it! 
> 
> Look forward to Sunday as well! :)

Dan’s name popped up on Phil’s phone under a feeling of vibrations. Phil found himself holding his breath, willing his stomach to unknot and the feeling of guilt to leave. He shut his eyes briefly and attempted to run his hands through his slightly sweaty hair to hide what just happened. Unfortunately, the blush in his cheeks was going to last a while. 

He unlocked his phone and answered Dan’s Facetime request. On the screen, Dan’s face popped up and he was in a dimly lit room with a rack of clothing behind where he was sat. Phil assumed he was still on set. 

“It was so awful, Phil!” Dan whined, his voice childlike. “The director wanted us to do all this crazy shit and God, it’s going to look so fake. I can tell already. And I wasn’t into. Mimei wasn’t into it. It was just awkward.” 

“I’m sorry.” Phil says, biting his lip. He genuinely was sorry. He still couldn’t imagine how it must feel to be forced into a scene like that. He assumed that Dan still had a bit of say in the matter but at the same time, he doubted that. 

Dan let out a sigh. “I have to go back on set for another scene in fifteen minutes but I really needed to―why are your cheeks flushed? Did you just go for a run or something?” 

Phil felt his cheeks flush even redder as blood rushed to his face. “Oh…uh…No. Just kind of warm in my flat tonight.” 

Dan cocked his eyebrow and gave a smirk before he let out a breath along with a chuckle. “Okay mate.” Dan says, dragging out the words, laughing a little himself. 

Phil was thoroughly embarrassed now. 

“Ya know,” Dan continues. “If you were in the middle of a wank, I could have called tonight after I got home.” 

“Oh no!” Phil says, quickly trying to divert the topic. “No! It wasn’t that.” 

Dan smirked at him again. “Sure, mate.” He lets out a sigh. “I have such a busy week ahead of me. I’m not looking forward to it.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“Well,” Dan says, looking down at his lap before bringing his attention back up to the screen. “Tomorrow, I have a cover shoot for People magazine followed by an interview for an article that they’re writing on me to do with my movie. And then the rest of this week, I have a mix of public appearances I have to make. One of them is actually that I’m cutting the ribbon at this new theater in downtown LA near WEHO. And then Friday, I have to attend a premiere for another movie that I was invited to and my manager booked me for. All the rest of the time, I’m filming the rest of the movie.” 

Phil listens with intent to everything Dan says and he finds it all a bit overwhelming. Especially considering that Phil is just going to be going to work, eating, playing with Spike, and repeating the process for the foreseeable future. He never had anything as exciting as Dan always had going on. 

But in a way, he didn’t envy Dan for that. In fact, he felt bad. 

“Oh!” Dan says with a sudden thought. “And then this weekend, I’m attending a party that is being held by Kylie Jenner.” 

Phil feels his body stiffen. “Kylie Jenner?!” He finds himself exclaiming. 

Dan nods. “Yep! She’s hosting a party for her new collection of make up that has to do with ‘saving world hunger’ or some ploy like that and I was invited by her PR team because apparently I would be good PR to have at the party? I don’t fucking know. So I’m attending. Maybe I’ll get a Kanye autograph while I’m there.” 

“Where is it going to be?” Phil asks. “Surely, it’s not at her home, right?” 

Dan shrugs. “No idea actually. I’ll probably just walk in, sip some champagne and have a few cocktails, take a couple of photos, and then peace out for the evening. Those events aren’t really my thing.” 

“That sounds exhausting.” Phil says. “I can’t imagine having to be around that many people and having to talk with them and take a bunch of photographs.” 

“Not your type of thing either?” Dan asks, relaxing back in his chair. It creaks and Phil watches Dan’s eyes widen as he quickly looks down at the sides of the chair. Phil chuckled to himself because it sounded like the chair was in pretty bad quality. Probably some cheap plastic seat with a vinyl or canvas fabric to sit on. 

Phil shook his head. “No. I’m not the most social person.” 

“Me either.” Dan says. “Which I know is ironic but…” He shrugs. 

“Are you an introvert?” Phil asks. He actually does want to know. 

“Yep.” Dan says with a smile. “Are you?” 

“Oh totally.” 

“Oh good.” Dan says with a knowing glance. “I was ready to say we can’t be friends if you were an extrovert.” 

Phil lets out a laugh and Dan follows suit. 

But then a loud voice cuts through the laughing to Dan, saying “five minutes before you’re needed on set.” Dan gives him an apologetic glance and tells Phil that he’ll talk to him later. 

Phil doesn’t promise that he’ll be awake to answer but he does hope he will be. He wishes Dan better luck on his shoot and then they hang up and Phil is left alone again in his bedroom. 

He throws his phone to the side and then stands up from his bed. He walks over to the door and opens it, letting in Spike who was sitting on the other side waiting, his stubby tail wagging back in forth. With the allowance back into the room, Spike runs to the bed and hops on and burrows onto Phil’s pillow, resting his head. 

Phil leaves the room and goes to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. He walks in and slips his pants off into a pile on the floor. He grabs the bottom of his shirt and takes the off as well, throwing that along with his pants onto the floor. He bends down and turns the water of his shower on and lets the droplets from the faucet run over his fingers. When it’s a suitable temperature, turns on his shower and steps inside, pulling the curtain back. 

He stands under the warm mist and washes all of the sweat and dirt from his skin. There are also some particularly stickier areas as well but he takes his time washing all of those away. 

He quickly washes his body and then grabs for his shampoo and wets his hair under the water. He pushes it back before the water can drip down his face and he squirts the shampoo into his palm before running it through his hair and lathering it. 

He’s rinsing his hair out, his eyes still closed to avoid getting the shampoo into them. When he knows it’s rinsed out, he steps out of the mist and shakes his head a little, wiping his face off with a damp washcloth that was hanging from the side bar of his tub. 

He opens his eyes slowly and realizes that there is a shampoo in his shower that he’s never seen before. He bends over and picks up the bright orange bottle and reads it over. “Curl protectant shampoo for men.” He laughs to himself. For men. How absurd is that? He uses whatever shampoo has the most pleasing scent. 

It’s half used and he opens it, gagging a little at the strong scent that comes out it. But he leans back down and takes another sniff. It’s Dan. That scent is Dan. It’s so familiar. 

He feels a bit sad now, a pit forming in his stomach. He shouldn’t feel this way about a half used shampoo bottle that Dan must have left behind. He’s never noticed it before in the shower, but most of the time, when he showers, he doesn’t have his contacts in so he blindly grabs for his shampoo and body wash, recognizing the different sized bottles. 

He sets it back down on the edge of the tub and then turns around, turning off the shower as the water begins to run cool against his skin. He pulls back the curtain and steps out, grabbing a towel from the rack and pushing it up to his face to wipe of the water on his skin. 

He grabs the rest of his towels and finishes drying himself off before wrapping them around his body like he always does. He makes a pit stop at the sink and removes his contacts, putting them in the pot before setting them back on the sink. He stumbles blindly from his bathroom, grabbing his dirty clothes on the way, and makes it to his bedroom where he grabs for his glasses on the night stand and puts them on. 

Spike is still sitting on his bed, watching him as he moves around the room and slowly dresses into a new set of pajamas and pants. Once he’s settled into his emoji pajamas and a black shirt, he flops onto his bed and picks up his phone. He has a couple missed messages. 

One from PJ and two from his mum. 

He looks at the one from PJ first which is just saying “drinks tonight? My treat.” 

He looks at the time. It’s a little after 6pm. He could probably do for a drink or two. Not even to get drunk but a couple to ease his mind. He texts back PJ asking for when and where and then opens the texts from his mum. 

**Mum:** are you doing anything this weekend, hun? 

**Mum:** your father and I would like to see you. 

He lets out a sigh and then opens his calendar. He doesn’t have to work this weekend―thank god, but he’s not sure if he can find a way to get to the Isle of Man on such short notice. He’d love to see his parents but he doesn’t think it’ll be plausible. 

In the time of him going online and looking up flights, he gets a message from PJ telling him to meet him at this pub near his flat at 7:30. He has time so he goes back on Safari and ends up finding a flight that leaves near 6am this Saturday and then he found a return flight for 8pm on Sunday back to London. He could do that. 

He books the flights and then takes a screenshot of the confirmations and sends them to his mum. As soon as the messages are sent, his mum calls him and he answers. 

“Child!” She chimes through the speaker. 

“Mum!” 

“You found flights alright?” She asked. “Your father and I weren’t sure if you were going to find any on such short notice.” 

“Isle of Man isn’t exactly a hot spot.” Phil says with a chuckle. “I normally can find flights pretty quickly.” 

“You’ll have to tell us about Dan when you get here!” She says, wasting no time in bringing him up. “Your father and I have a lot of questions.” 

Phil let’s out a sigh. ‘There isn’t much to say, mum.” 

“Dear, your father and I have watched Dan in movies before. We have a lot of questions about how you two even met.” She says, her voice soft. “Plus, he’s a nice-looking boy.” 

“Mum…” He groans, feeling his body cave inward from the secondhand embarrassment. 

“Oh hun, you know it’s true.” She says with a laugh. “And I also happen to know that he’s your type.” 

“I don’t have a type.” Phil corrects. 

“I don’t know about that.” His mum continues. “Your last boyfriend―Jonah? Was it?” 

“Joshua.” 

“Joshua! Yes, him! He was tall with curly brown hair and he had brown eyes too.” 

‘That doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Okay, Phil.” She says and Phil rolls his eyes. “We’ll pick you up from the airport as usual on Saturday. You should visit more often!” 

“I don’t have a lot of time anymore.” Phil says because it’s true. He really doesn’t have a lot of time anymore between going to work and being busy with work. And he also does have a social life sometimes. Not often, but he does when he goes out with PJ. Like he’s going to tonight. 

“Well make time, child!” She pips up. “We miss you!” 

“I miss you too, mum.” 

He can tell she’s smiling on the other side. “Well, I’ll let you go. But do call a bit more. I’ll see you on Saturday.” 

He says a quick goodbye to her and then they hang up. 

He gets up from bed and begins to get ready for the pub when his phone vibrates against the bed. He’s ready to roll his eyes again, sure that it’s his mum texting him goodnight or something. But instead, it’s from Dan. 

He quickly grabs his phone and opens the message. A photo pops up and it’s one from Dan, a selfie in a mirror. He’s dressed in a suit and his hair is perfectly groomed. His eyes are slightly squinted but his body language is poised and just…well, Phil can’t help but feel butterflies when he looks at the photo. 

Yeah, he’s fucked. 

***

Phil’s one raspberry beer down at the pub and PJ and him are laughing over some dumb thing that they remembered from work that happened nearly two years before. Phil’s not even sure how they got on the subject of this, but he finds himself laughing so hard his sides hurt. 

“And then Gemma’s face was priceless!” PJ continues, his laugh carrying through the loud atmosphere and Phil is following suit. He picks up his bottle and finishes the rest of the beer before he stands up. 

“Want another one?” Phil asks, pointing to PJ’s empty pint on the table. 

PJ shakes his head. “I said the drinks were on me tonight!” He stands up and grabs the pint and the bottle. “I’ll go grab us a few drinks. What would you like?” 

“Surprise me.” Phil says, climbing back onto the stool and sitting down. 

Dan hadn’t been able to text him much but Phil did find himself replying back to Dan’s photo with a smiley face. He doesn’t know why that is what he sent but he did and he can’t take it back. And he also doesn’t want to take it back because Dan sent back a blushing emoji. 

He still hasn’t been on Twitter or Instagram or YouTube and that’s okay because he doesn’t want to read everything that he knows is going to be on there. He wants to remain a happy medium in this entire situation. 

Which reminds him, he’s going to need to go on his YouTube eventually because he’ll need to make another video soon. What should he even do for this new video? Maybe a Q+A? That might be fun? But then that is going to require him to go on Twitter. 

“I got you another beer.” PJ says, setting a pint down on the table of some pale drink. “It sounded like one you might like.” 

Phil lifts up and eyebrow and picks it up, taking a quick sip. He doesn’t particularly like beer but he’ll drink this since PJ bought it and he’ll feel bad not finishing it. 

“So, what’s the gossip about Dan?” PJ asks, taking a long sip of…that looks like Guinness but Phil’s not sure. 

“What gossip?” Phil asks, genuinely confused. 

“What’s he like!” PJ asks. “I want to know what the famous guy is like to be around.” 

Phil shrugged. “He’s like a normal guy?” Phil says. “I mean, he’s fun and he’s loud. But he also is super understanding and he always is really easy to talk to which you know how awkward I am. But it’s not hard to build a friendship with him.” 

“When are you going to ask him out?” PJ asks, taking a long swig of his drink. 

Phil follows and takes a sip, wincing a bit at the bitterness. Yeah, this beer is definitely not his thing. “I don’t even know if I will.” 

“You two seem right fond of each other.” PJ says. “That video was the definition of sexual tension.” 

Phil scoffs. “I doubt that.” 

PJ shook his head. “No mate. That video…if no one knew who you were, they would have sworn that you were Dan’s boyfriend. I mean, he was looking at you up and down every second.” 

Phil felt his face flush. “I’m sure he doesn’t find me attractive.” He says. “And besides, we’re just friends.” 

PJ frowns. “Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Undermine yourself like that.” PJ says. 

Phil looks down at his drink. “It’s true though.” He says. “There is a reason why guys don’t want to date me after a year.” 

“You just haven’t found the good guys.” PJ presses. 

Phil shrugs. “No one wants to date me, PJ.” He says. “They just want me to put out for them so they can get off and then they want to leave.” 

“Once again,” PJ continues. “You’re not finding the right guys.” PJ pauses. “I think Dan looks at you differently than I’ve ever seen a guy look at you.”

Phil shakes his head. 

“No!” PJ adds. “Dan is into you, Phil.” He reaches out and lays a hand on Phil’s arm. “Drop some hints at him. I guarantee that he’s into you.” 

“How would I even do that?” Phil asks, giving in a little bit. “I don’t know how to flirt. I’m not even sure where to begin. My last boyfriend messaged me over Twitter in my Dm’s.” 

“Just say things to him that might come off as flirty. Tell him you like his shirt or maybe you’d like to see it off.” 

“Peej!” 

“I’m being serious, Phil! Maybe send him more photos. Send him a selfie and see if he’ll send one back. Hell, send him a picture of your dick and see if he’ll one back.” 

“I’m not doing that, PJ!” Phil exclaimed, his voice drowned out, thankfully, by the loud murmurs. “For one, I think that counts as sexual harassment on paper.” 

PJ rolls his eyes. “Well, then just talk with him and get a little bit flirtier. Tell him he has great eyes and that you want to get lost in them. Tell him he has a great body and you want to get lost in it.” 

Phil scoffs and feels his face flush―and it’s not from the alcohol or the warm room. “I don’t know.” 

“Just try it!” PJ presses. “Get out your phone and send him a text.” 

“Right now?” 

“Yes, right now!” 

“This is ridiculous and stupid.” Phil says as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He sets it on the table and PJ gestures to it. 

“Send Dan a text. Just send him something short. Maybe like a “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you again”. Just start simple.” 

Phil bites his lip and opens up his phone, clicking on the messages app and opening up Dan’s messages. “What was the last thing he sent you?” PJ asks. 

“A selfie.” Phil says, looking down at the photo. 

“Okay, what did you say to him about it?” 

“This feels like an interrogation.” Phil counters. 

“Well, do you want to get laid or not?” Pj asks and Phil lets out a breath. He picks up his beer and takes a long sip. He’s going to need it. 

“I just sent him an emoji.” 

“OH PHIL!” PJ cried. “What emoji did you send? Please tell me it was the eggplant.” 

Phil coughed and blushed. “It was just a smiley emoji.” 

PJ cried out again and reached for Phil’s phone, snatching it from his hands. “What are you doing?” Phil protested, reaching for it. But PJ’s fingers were too fast and he was typing and all Phil could do was wait. 

PJ handed his phone back to him and Phil takes another swig of his beer before grabbing it. He reads it over and feels the color drain from his face. 

**Phil:** I forgot to tell you this earlier but I think you look amazing. 

“PJ he’s going to think I’m weird!” Phil whines. “This is too much!” 

“No, it won’t be.” PJ said. “Just wait and see.” 

No messages come as Phil finishes his beer and PJ finishes his. Neither one of them want another drink so they both leave, completely sober still and head back to their flats. 

Phil gets into his flat at a little after 10 and greets Spike with a little rub down and then a chance to go to the courtyard for the bathroom. When he lets Spike back in, he goes to the bathroom himself and gets ready for bed. 

He goes to his bedroom and climbs into bed, knowing he has to be up early to go to work tomorrow. He grabs his phone and goes to plug it in when he sees a message from Dan that stops his heart. 

**Dan:** thank you <3 but I think its you that looks amazing not me 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split this chapter into two parts so part 1 today and part 2 sometime this week! :)

Phil wants to set himself a reminder to never book a flight as early as 6am ever again. He makes it to Gatwick with bleary eyes and a small bag haphazardly packed with a set of clothes for overnight.

He boards his plane and then when he lands, he throws the strap of his bag on his shoulder and walks through the airport to find his mum waiting for him where she always does.

When he sees her, he gives her a big hug and then steps back with a smile. “You look tired dear.” She comments, rubbing his arm. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Phil doesn’t want to tell her that no, he didn’t really sleep because he Skyped with Dan until he fell asleep. He also wasn’t going to mention to her how he and Dan have been slowly progressing past the friend stage and he’s getting to the point where he can hardly imagine not knowing what Dan is doing and whether or not they can speak.

“Just pre-flight jitters.” Phil says with a forced half-smile.

His mum gave him a knowing glance. “I know how you feel about flights, dear.” She said, pulling her hand away from his arm. “But let’s get going now. Your father insisted on staying back and making breakfast for when we get back.”

Phil followed his mum out of the tiny airport to the carpark and got into the car with her, tossing his small bag into the backseat before climbing in the front. The Isle of Man was small and he enjoyed having his parents living here now because even if he only went for a few days, it still felt like a holiday.

“How is the BBC?” His mum asks as they head onto the main road towards his parents house.

“Normal.” Phil says. “I’m working on making a new website for the BBC Radio 1. Like, not an entirely new website but a new webpage. That’s taken up a big portion of my time.”

“How is PJ?” His mum then asks. He’s actually surprised that she’s gotten his name right. The last time, she called him Peter. He still doesn’t know how she ever got Peter from PJ but he still laughs about it.

“He’s good.” Phil says. “I actually just went out for drinks with him a few nights ago.”

“How about him and Sophie?”

“Mum…” Phil says with a laugh. “I’m not PJ.”

“I know,” She says with her own chuckle. “But you know how your mum likes to gossip.”

“How can I forget?” Phil says.

His mum reaches over and smacks his arm gently and Phil laughs. They pull into his parents driveway and it’s exactly like how Phil remembered it. The same cozy little cottage on an old road with the same stone fence around it. The same pink and red flowers bridged the outside and the same weather grey stone shone on the outside.

Phil honestly likes this house better than the house he grew up in outside of Manchester and his dream is to retire to such a little community like this.

“Come on, Philip, grab you bag! Your father is waiting and you know how he can be a bit impatient.”

Phil steps out of the car and opens the backdoor, grabbing out his small bag from the seat. He puts the strap on his shoulder again and follows him mum inside the small doorway into the kitchen.

His father is sitting at the table with his newspaper in his hand and Phil has to chuckle at how typical this setting was for him. He remembers being a teenager and waiting up to see his dad sitting at the table with his newspaper.

“Hello Phil!” His father chimes in. “How was your flight?”

“It was fine.” Phil answers, his answer automatic. He always responds the same way. Maybe it has to do with the awkwardness he still feels around his dad. He’s not sure.

“Well, that’s good.” His dad answers. “Your brother is arriving in a few hours for the weekend too with Cornelia. You’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight since they called dibs on the guest room.”

Phil feels himself groan. He shouldn’t groan. It was quite childish. But he also wasn’t feeling like sleeping on the couch with no privacy tonight. He was looking forward to spending a few hours on Skype with Dan and he can’t do that if he’s on the couch.

“When did Martyn decide he wanted to come this weekend too?” Phil asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I wanted to spend the weekend with my boys.” His mum chimes in, leaning up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Why does he get the bedroom though?” Phil asks, his voice verging on a whine.

“Because he and Cornelia can’t fit on the couch like you can, dear.” His mum says. “Oh, pip up. It’s only one night. I’m sure you can survive on the couch.”

Phil wants to stomp his foot to put on a fake tantrum but he instead just rolls his eyes playfully and looks down at his dad. “What did you make for breakfast?”

“There is some sausage and eggs on the counter if you want.” He responds, folding his paper and setting it on the table. “Your mum and I figured we could take you and Martyn and Corn on a walk this afternoon. The weather is supposed to be lovely.”

Phil nods and walks over to the counter, grabbing a couple pieces of sausage and putting them on an empty plate. He begins to snack on them when his mum walks over next to him and steps close to him. “So tell us about Daniel.”

Phil chokes and sputters, forcing down the bite he had just taken as he coughs. He sets down his plate and goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of juice. He grabs a cup from the cupboard and pours a small glass, taking a sip of it to still his coughing. He was trying to avoid this question and this conversation but it’s clear he wasn’t getting out of it.

“It’s not polite to ignore your mother.” His mum presses, her eyebrow choked as she stands at the counter.

“I don’t have much to say.” Phil answers. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, how did you and Daniel meet?” She said. “Let’s begin with that.”

“We met through the BBC.” Phil says, trying to remain as vague as possible.

His mum waited patiently for him to continue and he cocked his eyebrow up. She tapped her fingers on the counter.

“How did you meet at the BBC?” She pressed further.

“His film was being filmed there.” Phil says. “The offices were shut down for it.”

“What was the film?”

Phil shrugged. He actually doesn’t know the name of the film. He’s never really bothered to ask Dan much about it. He’s never really thought about asking Dan about it actually. It always skipped his mind when he was speaking to Dan.

Talking about his film was normally the last of their thoughts.

“Well, when did you and Dan become friends then?” She continued.

Phil was well ready for this conversation to end already even though it barely began. “He came up to me in the BBC the one day and we exchanged contact information. Then we just started talking.”

“He’s cute.”

“Mum…”

“Well, I’m just being honest, dear.” She says, her lips curved into a smile.

“We’re not dating.” Phil says. The more and more he says it, the more and more he feels like a broken record. He and Dan really aren’t dating. And in complete honesty, he’s not quite sure if they’re friends right now. They are obviously friends but recently, they’ve been slowly bridging that gap between friendship and a relationship.

He blushes slightly as he thinks about the night before and how Dan had looked, shirtless and comfortable on his bed in Los Angeles. Dan had asked him if it was okay that he was shirtless and of course Phil said it was. But he couldn’t help staring at Dan the entire time.

“You’re blushing, hun.” His mum comments, her hand coming up and pinching his cheek.

Phil yips out a little noise before he jerks away and his mum chuckles. His cheeks flush even redder yet and he just smiles at her as he shakes his head and takes his bag into the living room. He sets it down beside the couch and checks his phone, something he hasn’t done since this morning.

He has a couple messages from Dan and reading them makes him smile.

Dan: I’ll have you know that I still cant sleep

Dan: Thanks

Phil let out a chuckle and began to type out his own message back.

Phil: Not my fault :P

Phil exited from his messages app and opened Twitter. He’d slowly been getting accustomed to Twitter and other social media. His Instagram has remained pretty tame despite having a bunch of people follow him and also his profile suddenly get verified. His Twitter got verified as well which was a shock to say the least.

Going on Twitter and YouTube for the first time was a bit of a shock but Dan helped him through it on Skype the night he finally looked.

“If you never do it,” Dan had said, “Then you’ll never see the support that you got for the video.”

And Dan had been correct. He had gained a massive fanbase already and that was a big deal. He really did want to pick up YouTube more like he had when he was still in university.

He even tweeted out that he wanted to do a Q+A and he had gotten a ton of questions already that he was eager to film when he got back to London tomorrow night.

Dan had convinced him to do the Q+A and he even suggested filming things in LA and sending them to Phil but Phil told him that wasn’t necessary. The next time Dan came to London, they could film many more videos together.

“I see that you have begun doing YouTube again.”

Phil looks up from his phone to see his mum stood in the doorway now, making her way into the living room.

“Oh yeah.” Phil says. “I wanted to get back into it. I think it’s going well.”

“It’s nice that Dan was in the video with you.” She says, sitting down next to him on the sofa.

“It was his idea.” Phil admits. “I told him about how I did YouTube and he thought that it would be a good idea to do a video.”

His mum nods and Phil knows that she is waiting to say something. So he waits…with a baited breath, until his mum finally speaks. “I worry,” She begins. “I worry that Daniel isn’t good for you.”

Phil turns his head and looks at her. “What do you mean?”

“He’s a big named celebrity, Phil.” She says, her voice serious. “He might not be looking for the same things that you are.”

Phil feels his stomach knot and his chest tighten. He felt like this was a middle school talk, not one he should be having at 32 years old.

“And I’m not saying this because I believe that Dan’s intentions with you are bad. But you have to remember his lifestyle.” She continues. “I don’t want you mixed up into that lifestyle if you’re not ready.”

“It’s not about that.” Phil says, because it’s really not. “Dan doesn’t even like the lifestyle.”

“Oh?”

Phil nods. “He gets overwhelmed by it.” He says. “I don’t think he’s ever admitted it to me or even to himself but I think he just enjoys doing the movies and the acting. I don’t think he enjoys the publicity that comes with it. Like, everywhere you look, his photo or name is plastered somewhere.”

His mum suddenly bends down to the coffee table and rifles through some of the crumpled magazines until she finds whatever she was looking for and hands it to him. He looks at it and he’s not sure what she’s getting at until she’s suddenly grabbing it from him again and opening to a dog-eared page.

DANIEL HOWELL’S NEW YOUTUBE VIDEO. WHO IS THE MAN BEHIND THE VIDEO?

It was an entire article about his video with Dan that he never knew existed. His face was plastered in this magazine, without his consent. And here is Dan’s face as well…just covering the page with this 200 word article about the video.

He felt sick. His hands began to shake and he felt clammy.

How many other articles has he been the subject of that he never knew?

“Where did you get this?” He asked, his voice tense.

“Your father saw the magazine in the store when he picked up his newspaper. It was just meant for me because you know that I enjoy reading those gossipy tabloids every once an a while. I stumbled upon it and saved the page.” She said. “This is mostly why I wanted you to come here this weekend. I thought we could discuss this and what you’re getting into.”

“I didn’t consent to this article.” Phil says, his voice trembling.

“I know, dear. I know.” She comforts. “Does Dan go through this a lot?”

He nods. Yeah, Dan does go through this a lot. He’s seen the moment Dan’s face falls when he sees an article written about himself that he didn’t even know.

“Maybe we should hire someone.” His mum continued. “Maybe we could hire someone to speak on your―”

“I’m not going to do that.” Phil says. “I’ll just talk to Dan.”

“But how much can Dan really do, sweetie? He seems just as powerless as you.”

Phil feels like he could cry. His eyes suddenly feel full and his cheeks feel hot. He struggled to hold them back but he does. He sniffles once and hands his mum back the magazine, not bothering to read it.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just sits in silence as his stomach knots and twists. She eventually gets up without a word and a few moments later, he hears the front door shut and he realizes she’s probably gone to wait at the airport for Martyn and Cornelia.

He sits back on the couch and shuts his eyes. Maybe he can catch a nap before she gets back.


	15. Chapter 15

The walk did enough to clear his head. Phil enjoyed the breeze from the sea on his skin and the kiss of the mist as he walked. It was a tad bit colder than he was expecting but he didn’t let it bother him. 

It felt good to walk on the path and let the sound of the sea hitting the cliffs lull his continuously pressing thoughts about the article and everything else that had been happening. 

He knew there was nothing he could do. There was nothing he’ll probably ever be able to do. Especially as long as he and Dan are friends…or whatever they are. Even if they eventually begin to date, he’ll need to begin thinking about what this lifestyle is going to mean for him. 

He’s probably going to be in a lot of articles and a lot of stories. He’s not going to really have privacy anymore. Or maybe he still can? It’s not like he’d be the celebrity. Dan is the celebrity. But he’d be dating Dan? 

He didn’t even realize how hard he was thinking about all of this until Martyn tapped on his shoulder in the middle of the walk. 

“Who’s watching Spike this weekend?” 

That wasn’t the question that Phil was expecting to get from his brother first given the circumstances of his life lately. 

“I dropped him off with PJ last night.”

“Oh huh. Was wondering why you didn’t call me to come over.” Martyn continued, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“What do you really want, Martyn?” Phil asked, his voice exasperated. 

“How are you doing?” Martyn asked. “I heard about all of the…well, that’s not entirely true. I saw everything that happened online with you and Dan and I just want to make sure you’re…you know…” 

“I’m okay.” Phil answers. He doesn’t know if that’s actually true or not, but it’s the automatic answer that always sits on his tongue when that question comes. 

“Are you really?” Martyn presses. “I mean, I wouldn’t be if I was in your spot.” 

“I’m not in a spot.” Phil says. “I’m fine.” 

“If you’re really sure.” 

Phil wasn’t sure. In fact, he was feeling pretty sick at the thought of all of this happening and his hands were permanently trembling along with the rolling of his stomach. 

But the conversation didn’t continue and Martyn didn’t say anything more. Cornelia didn’t bring it up either when she walked next to him for the last half of the walk back to his parents car. 

Getting back to his parents house, he found his mind preoccupied with other thoughts as his family all got out a game of Monopoly and they decided to play a game of it as his mum put in a turkey to cook for dinner. 

It was nice to be distracted from his thoughts and from the media. He enjoyed the laughing and then the anger as he realized pretty quickly the game was going to shit for himself and Martyn was winning with his four railroads and Boardwalk property with 3 houses. 

But it was nice. It was nice to play the game with his family and Cornelia―although she is also 100% family in his eyes―and forget about the world outside that he’ll have to return to tomorrow. 

For right now, he can be in the safe haven of his parent’s home, laughing with his mum and dad and eating pieces of beautifully cooked turkey that his mum prepared. It felt good. It felt right. And for the first time that day, he really felt like everything was going to be okay. 

He had just gotten out of the shower and gotten dressed into his pajamas for family movie night when he got the first text of the day from Dan. It was a few photos and when he saw the notifications, he had a moment of his heart stalling as he prepared himself for the beauty he was about to see. 

He opened the messages and his lips turned into a smile without him even trying. One was a photo of Dan in a black tux with a white and black striped shirt underneath the blazer. The other photo was the same black tux but with an all white shirt with black polka dots on the fabric. The message with them just was a question mark. 

 **Phil:** Need help deciding? 

 **Dan:** Yes please i didn’t hire a stylist for this party tonight and I’m slowly freaking out because i have no idea what to wear like its kylie jenner what the fuck do i wear 

Phil chuckled to himself and looked at both photos, studying them both intensely…but he had no idea how fashion worked if he was being honest. He normally wore the same pair of jeans every day and the same four shirts that he bought at Topman. He’s not an adventurous dresser by any means. 

He walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, seeing his family already sitting on the couch. Maybe he could ask his mum. Surely a mum would know fashion a tad bit better than he would. 

“Dan needs help picking out a shirt to wear for his party tonight,” Phil says breaking the silence int he room. “Does anyone wanna help him out?” 

Martyn looks up and scoffs with a smirk and his mum gives him that same glance she always gives when she doesn’t want to do something but figures she’ll have to. But luckily for both of them, Cornelia stood up and jumped over to him. “Let me see!” 

She snatched Phil’s phone from him and her eyes bugged out of her head. “He’s going to a party for Kylie Jenner?!” 

“It’s a party to promote her newest make up collection.” Phil said proudly. “It’s a PR move really but he’s hoping to get a Kanye autograph.” 

Cornelia chuckles and scrolls between both photos over and over again until she stops on the first photo of the black and white striped shirt. “This one.” She says, pointing to it. “The style of it suits the thin blazer better than the other. Plus, it’s tailored better to his build. It’s not as loose and billowy in the front. Tell him this one.” 

She handed the phone back to him, a smile on her lips as she turned on her heels and walked back over to Martyn and sat down beside him again on the floor in front of the TV. 

Phil walked over to the couch and sat down on the other end, opposite of his parents and sent Dan his choice. 

 **Phil:** My honorary sister in law told me to tell you the first one 

 **Dan:** Honoroary sister in law??? 

 **Phil:** My brothers girlfriend

 **Dan:** Ahhh i trust she has good fashion taste :P 

“What are you smiling at?” 

Phil looks up at his mum who is smiling at him and he shakes his head. 

They begin the film which his brother picked out and Phil soon realizes it is The Shape of Water and he finds himself actually really enjoying it. 

After the movie is done, everyone goes to bed and Phil prepares the couch as his bed for the night. 

As he settles into the cushions, he sends Dan one more text. 

 **Phil:** Goodnight, have fun at the party 

 **Dan:** goodnight time zones suck :( 

Phil feels his chest tighten and then loosen. Is it unreasonable to be missing someone so much that you physically feel pain? He’s not even dating Dan. He shouldn’t be missing him this much but he is. 

He finds himself fighting his eyes shutting so he send Dan one more text of a frown face emoji and then he shut his eyes and willed himself to actually fall asleep. 

***

The first thing Phil saw when he woke up in the morning and went on social media was a series of photos of Dan that he posted on his Instagram from the party. Phil felt a spike of jealousy as he saw Dan with famous celebrities like Ariana Grande and Kendall and Kylie Jenner at that party he had been at. And then there are other photos of course too. Like ones of Dan holding a cocktail and smiling at the photographer or a candid of Dan and some woman laughing in the purple and blue lights of wherever they were. 

They were nice photos though and Phil liked them. He thought they were super flattering and seeing Dan be so stunning in that black tux and white and black striped shirt left his heart with flutters again. 

His mum woke up around nine and his dad was already awake and outside doing something when he finally decided to get up from the hard position of the couch and grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen. 

His mum and Cornelia are sitting at the breakfast bar with this cups already in hand and Martyn is busy at the stove fixing some eggs and toast. Phil pours his own cup of coffee and takes a sip of it. He normally puts some sugar into it but today, he feels like indulging in the bitter, black roast of whatever coffee his mum decided to buy this week. 

“Did Dan end up wearing the shirt I picked out?” Cornelia asks, taking a sip from her cup and setting it down. 

Phil nods his head and pulls out his phone, opening up Instagram and going to Dan’s profile. “Here are the photos from last night.” 

Cornelia and his mum look at them with his phone sitting on the counter. They scroll through and Phil feels a sense of satisfaction at seeing his mum and Cornelia looking at them so intently. 

“Dan looks really fit.” Cornelia says, pushing his phone back to him. “I was correct about the shirt.” 

“It looks really good, right?” 

“He looks really good, you mean?” Martyn says over his shoulder. “We know how you feel about the lad.” 

Phil blushes and he looks up to see his mum smirking and Cornelia smiling at him as well. 

“I’ve been thinking lately,” Phil says, deciding to change the subject. “I think I want to begin doing YouTube again and taking it more seriously than I have in the past.” 

“Oh?” His mum says. “What are your plans?” 

“I’m thinking of setting aside more time during the week to do videos and film them. I’d like to produce a video once a week, maybe? I was thinking maybe of doing a Q+A next where I could answer some of my fans questions.” 

Phil picks up his coffee mug again and takes a long sip, wincing at the burn from how hot it was yet. 

“Just be careful, hun.” His mum presses, once again. “Be careful how much you show online.” 

“I know, mum.” 

“Just be smart about this Philip.” She says, using his first name which means she’s serious. He’s come to know that over the years. 

“I will be.” 

She reaches across the bar and rubs his arm. “I know you will be. Just wanted to remind you.” 

Phil flashes her another soft smile before Martyn pushes a plate of eggs and toast onto the counter and everyone gets up and gets their own plates to enjoy some breakfast. 

***

Phil feels a bit relieved when he arrives back to his flat at around 11 that night with a spunky Spike in his arms, trying to wiggle himself free so he can run around and resniff all of his favorite spots in the flat. He had a good time at his parents, but he also felt a bit drained and was looking forward to sleeping in his own bed again and not on the couch that did nothing to help his spine or neck. 

He hadn’t gotten much of a chance to speak with Dan all day but now that he’s home, he really wants to Skype him and talk to him face to face again. He really does miss him and miss his voice. 

When Dan answers that he’s ready to Skype, Phil is so relieved that he wastes no time to open his laptop and call Dan. When Dan answers, Phil feels even more relieved yet at seeing the shining brown iris’s staring at him with flakes of honey sparkling in the light of Dan’s bedroom. 

“How was your day?” Phil asks, noticing some dark circles underneath his eyes. 

Dan shrugged. “It was okay. I nursed a hangover for majority of my morning but I had to go back on set this afternoon. We’re almost done filming now and I’m so happy.” 

“That’s got to be a relief.” Phil says and Dan nods quite quickly. 

“Oh, I’m so relieved!” Dan says. “Although I’m not looking forward to the interviews and the magazine articles and the red carpet press releases.” 

“You looked really good in your photos.” 

Phil doesn’t even realize he blurted out that until he sees Dan’s face flush and he chokes out a little laugh. “Thank you.” He says, his voice wavering a bit. “I was really nervous the entire time.” 

“You looked…amazing.” Phil continued, his voice talking without his mind filtering his words. 

“Your sister in law picked well.” Dan said. “I was seriously having a crisis before I texted you.” 

“I know nothing about fashion.” Phil said with a laugh. 

“I know bits and pieces about fashion.” Dan says. “Although I’m not a fan of clothes…actually when I’m at home. I don’t wear any.” 

Phil felt his heart fall out of his ass. His eyes widened, his cheeks flushed, and his body tensed. Did he just hear that correctly? Did Dan really just say that to him? He sucked in a breath. “Oh yeah?” 

Dan bites his lip and Phil feels a groan perch itself in his throat. God, that was the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. Dan biting his lip was enough to fuel some arousal that stirred in his abdomen. Should he being getting aroused at something as little as this? It seems so prepubescent. 

“I just hate clothes.” Dan says. “One of my favorite things is just to walk around my house naked. It’s so freeing.” 

“I don’t wear pants under my pajamas.” 

Phil feels himself internally facepalm. That has to be the most unsexy thing he’s ever said in his life and he 100% just killed the mood. He knows it. If there even was a mood going, it’s gone now. 

“Just sleep naked, mate.” Dan says with a chuckle. “That’s what I do.” 

Oh…that’s an image and Phil is envisioning it in his head. He can see it now. Him and Dan sharing a bed, both of them bare naked, skin to skin. Intimate cuddling and moments shared together in the form of memories of soft skin and warmth. 

“Are you thinking about me?” Dan says, his voice cutting through Phil’s thoughts. “Are you thinking of me naked right now?” 

Phil feels his mouth open and shut. He feels embarrassed that he’s been caught. Surely this looks creepy and perverted right? “Uh…” 

“It’s okay, Phil.” Dan says, his voice angelic and gentle. “I’m naked right now if you wanted to know.” 

Phil sucked in another breath and looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. This was really happening right now. He needed to pinch himself to realize that he’s not dreaming all of this. 

“Is this weird?” Dan asked with a laugh. “Like, is this going too far?” 

Phil looked back down at Dan’s face on the screen and found it hard to concentrate when he could see his collarbones poking out from underneath a grey duvet. 

“I don’t want it to be weird.” Phil says. “I really don’t want this to be weird.” 

“Would it make it weird if I said that I’m hard right now and kind of want to take care of it with you over Skype?” 

Phil feels his pants grow a bit tighter underneath his laptop as his own arousal courses through his veins. “I want to do that too.” Phil says. “Please.” 

Dan’s laptop suddenly begins to jostle and move and suddenly, the duvet is slipping down Dan’s body and pooling in his lap and Phil can see it all with the way his laptop is now angled. He moves his laptop down his legs and pushes his hand into his pajamas, squeezing around his hard cock and hissing at the relief it brings, even if it’s temporary. 

He looks back up at his laptop just in time to see the duvet gone from Dan’s lap and his hard cock jutting straight up against his stomach. He’s reaching over to the side and all Phil can do is stare at it, his mouth watering and his breath hitching as he envisions how it would feels in his hand…or his mouth. God, he wishes Dan were here right now with him so they could experience this together and not through a grainy webcam. 

When Dan sits back over, he has a bottle of lube in his hand and squeezes some out into his palm and Phil watches as he wraps his long fingers around himself and begins to stroke up and down, moving fluidity. 

“Can I see you too?” Dan asks, his face just barely visible at the top of the webcam. “I really want to see you.” 

Phil normally would hesitate but seeing Dan so open and visible to himself makes him want to be that same way. He sets his laptop down on the bed in between his legs and pushes down the waistband of his pajamas and lets his cock spring out. 

“Oh my god!” Dan exclaims and Phil suddenly whips his head up. 

Was something wrong? Did he do something that made Dan uncomfortable? 

“You’re fucking hung!” 

Phil felt his cheeks heat up. “I’m average.” 

“Mate, you’re not average.” Dan said with a chuckle. “I’m average. You’re hung.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“Nope.” 

Phil begins to stroke slowly up and down, gathering some of his precum from the tip and smoothing down his length. The little bit of lubrication helps his hand and he continues to stroke in silence as he hears Dan moaning on the other side of the screen. 

He’s vocal, and Phil could get off on his noises alone. He wishes Dan was here now, underneath him and moaning the same way he is on the screen. God, what he would do to have Dan here with him now. 

“Is it sad that I’m close already?” Dan says, cutting through the thick air around Phil. “I haven’t had sex in forever and my body is like all wound up.” 

Phil can feel the coiling in his stomach as well, and the heat beginning to stir to tell he was just as close too. He watches Dan’s hand for a few moments, seeing the way his foreskin moves away from the head and then comes back around it for a second before Dan’s hand moves faster, almost in a blur. 

“I’m close too.” Phil chokes out. 

He watches as Dan’s body tense and his other hand comes up to tweak at his own nipples. Phil feels his balls tighten and his body tense as well and just as Dan shoots white across his chest, Phil feels himself lose control and do the same. 

His orgasm hits him harder than he’s felt one hit him ever before. It feels like too much all at once and his mind is a cloud of pleasure and euphoria. If this is what it’s like to get off with Dan over Skype, if he ever gets the chance to have sex with him, he’s going to actually die. 

When he comes to, he looks down at his screen and sees Dan cleaning off his stomach with some tissues, his face making a grimace. Phil reaches over to his nightstand and grabs a few as well, doing the same before it begins to dry on his skin. 

“You’re okay with what we did, right?” Dan asks. 

Phil looks at him through the screen and sees that Dan has the duvet pulled up around his hips again, covering his intimate areas from sight. 

“Of course.” Phil says, tucking himself back into his pajamas and moving the laptop back to his lap. “Are you okay with what we did?” 

Dan nods quickly and bites his lip again. His cheeks are flushed and his hair is sticking a bit matted to his forehead. “I want to see you again.”  
“What do you mean?” Phil asks. 

“When can I visit you? Or when can you visit me?” Dan asks, his voice slightly high pitched, almost like a plead. 

“I don’t know…” Phil says, opening up the calendar on his laptop. “Would you come to London or?” 

“Come visit me in LA?” Dan asks, batting his eyelashes at Phil. “Please! I’ll show you around LA and you can stay at my house and we can even film some more videos! Everyone loved the one we already did.” 

Phil continues to scroll through his calendar and he sees that he’s busy for the next month with projects and work. His heart breaks and he feels like he’s not going to have time to even go to LA for a short time to be with Dan. 

“I don’t know if I’ll have time.” 

Phil’s heart shatters even more at the way Dan’s face falls and his smile falters. “Oh…I forgot that you have a job and everything. I reckon I was being a bit selfish then.” 

“No,” Phil quickly butts in. “I want to see you! I’ll see what I can do!” 

Dan smiles a bit at him before his expression falls a bit and he lets out a yawn. 

“It’s not even late here and you’ve exhausted me.” Dan says, settling into his duvet and pillow. 

Phil looks at the clock on his laptop and sees it’s a little after midnight for him. “I need to go to bed.” Phil says, his voice reluctant. “I have work in the morning.” 

“Stay on Skype with me until you fall asleep?” 

Phil yawns and nods, ignoring that he hasn’t even properly prepared for bed. He shuts off his light and lays down in bed, and shuts his eyes. 

He falls asleep to the sound of Dan’s soft snoring on the other side as he begins a nap and Phil himself drifts off to sleep. 

That night, Phil dreams of a future with Dan. One where they’re together, now that they’ve broken the boundary between friendship and potentially more. He dreams of LA and being with Dan again. And when Phil wakes up to his alarm in the morning, he has a permanent smile on his face. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Just wanna do a quick heads up that I’ve begun to post my fic on Wattpad as well since I got quite a few people on Tumblr asking and also had overwhelming responses of please use Wattpad on my poll. The story will obviously continue here as normal but I thought I’d bring it up in case you’re someone who likes to read something on Wattpad! 
> 
> [The link to the fic on Wattpad is here :) ](https://my.w.tt/7X7fNXk1jV)

“I need a week off from work.”

Louise looks up from her desk where she is sat in front of Phil, who was currently stood with his hands in his jacket pocket. He didn’t know why he was even doing this. She wasn’t going to give him the time off and this was stupid…he was being stupid.

“What for?” She asks, folding her hands on her desk and staring at him with intent.

“I would like to take a holiday for myself and I’d like a week to do that.” Phil can feel his voice shaking but he’s trying to remain as calm and confident as he can in hopes of landing this week off.

“And where are you going that’s going to require you to take a week off?” Louise presses.

“I would like to go to Los Angeles.” Phil says. “I’ve already looked into tickets and I would like to book them today if possible. This is why I need this week off.”

“And what on Earth are you going to be doing in LA?” Louise asks.

“I’m visiting Dan.”

“Daniel Howell?” Louise questions. “What for?”

Phil feels his cheeks heat up. “I would like the time off so I can go and visit him.”

“And when are you expecting to have this time off?”

Phil felt himself tense. He genuinely didn’t know. He hadn’t thought that he’d get this far ahead. When would he do this? Would he even had time to find plane tickets?

“Uh…”

“Well, Lester,” Louise says with a smirk. “We can allow you time off for next week if you really want it. But I have one request.”

Phil looked at her puzzled. “What is it?”

“Bring me back a souvenir from Hollywood, please? My daughters would love something from the United States.”

Phil laughed and smiled at her, nodding his head because he’ll try and remember to do that. He’s met her daughters Darcy and Pearl before at bring your child to work day and he’s adored them.

He quietly left the room after the made sure everything was in fact okay for him to take the time off and he headed back to his desk, eager to message Dan and let him know he was gonna try and find plane tickets even though he―in the back of his head―feared the worst. It was going to be way too sudden to buy them and every thought in his head was telling him that he’s not gonna find anything.

He tried not to let that deter him though. He got to his desk and sat down, opening up his laptop and temporarily ignoring the Illustrator file he had started for the new logo he was doing for the BBC Radio 1 advertisements.

Phil opened his messages and quickly typed one out to Dan. He explained how he did get the time off but he hadn’t thought that far ahead about actually finding plane tickets and now he’s feeling a bit lost. He hoped Dan wouldn’t get mad or even think otherwise of him for that one and being a bit of a mess.

When he’s done, he closes that window and opens up Illustrator again, ready to dive back into his work when a tap resonates on the wood of his desk. He looks up, following the noise, and sees PJ, having wheeled over to his desk.

“What were you talking to Louise about?”

“I needed to try and get some time off.” Phil says, sitting back in his desk chair and crossing his left leg over the other.

“Oh? Where are you heading?” PJ asks, his glasses falling slightly to the bridge of his nose.

“I’m hoping to go to Los Angeles.” Phil says, his voice wavering. “But I’m not sure I can even find tickets.”

“What are you going to be doing in LA?” PJ questioned. “Is it one of those YouTuber conventions? I heard that was happening but I don’t know the dates.”

Phil shook his head. “No. I’m actually visiting Dan.”

“Dan?”

Phil nodded.

“Why are you going to LA to visit Dan?” PJ pressed.

“He wants me to go to LA.” Phil says. “He wants to show me around and he wants to just spend time with him. But he has filming around LA still for the next two weeks and so he can’t leave.”

“Don’t you think it’s a bit…daft to go all the way to LA just to meet up with Dan?” PJ asks. “I mean, I’m not judging by any means but this is a big step and a lot of money.”

“I don’t care about the money.” Phil finds himself saying, which isn’t entirely true. He didn’t really have a lot of extra money to spare between paying bills, paying his rent, and buying his and Spike’s food and other necessities. But he’d take a trip to LA to see Dan no matter the cost.

“When do you leave?”

Phil bites his lip. “I kind of don’t have plane tickets yet.”

PJ’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. “You…Phil, what do you mean you don’t have tickets yet? They’re plane tickets. You can’t just get them whenever you want, they do become sold out.”

“I know, PJ!” Phil countered. “Dan and I just were talking the other night and he sounded like he really wanted me to come and see him and I really want to see him too. We never really thought of the logistics of it but..” Phil paused. “I really miss him, PJ.”

“I know,” PJ says, his lips curling up in a smile. “I only hear you talk about him every day that you’re here. You have a fondness for him.”

Phil feels his cheeks heat up as he gets ready to retort against what PJ said. He opens his mouth, about to say something when his computer lets out a beep and he turns and sees the bubble for one new message.

He opens it and reads it.

Dan: Oh thats not a problem ill just send my jet to pick you up

“Dan has a private jet.”

“That’s not all that shocking.” PJ says with a light chuckle. “I imagine with the money he’s taking in that he probably can afford a fleet of them.”

“But he’s sending his private jet for me to come to LA on.”

“True love.” PJ says with a smile.

“It’s not love, PJ.” Phil says. “We’re not dating.”

“Not for long, you’re not. Maybe he’s flying you to LA to plan some big extravagant way to ask you to get into bed with him.”

Phil blushed. “He wouldn’t have to try too hard for that one, mate. Kind of already breached that line.”

PJ looked at Phil, his green eyes going a bit bigger again in surprise. “Do spill!”

“It’s not like we slept together.” Phil begins, not being able to have a filter now that he’s speaking directly with PJ, someone who he considers to be his best friend. “But we did kind of get each other off? But it was over Skype. Not like directly us with each other.”

“And how did it feel?” PJ asked.

Phil felt his brows furrow. “What do you mean ‘how did it feel?’. It felt bloody incredible.”

“That’s not what I meant.” PJ began to clarify. “But being with Dan intimately, even if it was over a screen, how did that make you feel?”

Phil sat back in his chair again and thought to the way Dan looked over Skype. Dan was gorgeous anyway. He didn’t need any help to showcase his natural beauty. From his hair to his eyes to his skin to his smile, he was stunning. And Phil very much was in awe every time he thought of how he’d managed to snag the attention of such a well know heartthrob.

“I really like him.” Phil says, not answering the question directly. “You know, maybe I’ll ask him out when I’m in LA.” Phil continues, biting his lip. “I think I’m ready now to move past this line and see where it gets us.”

PJ flashed him a smile. “I’m really proud of you. And I can’t wait to hear of the new ‘IT’ couple that comes out of Hollywood when it gets out that you guys are dating.”

“I really don’t want to think about that.” Phil said with a nervous chuckle. “But right now, I kind of just want to focus on finally admitting my feelings regarding Dan.”

PJ leaned over the desk and pat his arm affectionately. Phil flashed him a smile back and then they went back to work. Phil sent Dan back a message and a then he went back to finishing his logo. When it was time for them to both leave, they hopped on the same Tube train and went to a pub that they both liked for dinner and a few drinks.

***

“Hey guys! Phil here…no, that’s rubbish isn’t it?”

Phil leaned back on his couch and rubbed his hands stubbornly over his face. He was never going to the introduction right for his video. They all sounded so forced and rubbish and he was beginning to seriously doubt that he’d be able to do this.

He sat back up and looked at the camera on the tripod again and took a deep breath. He let it back out, forced a smile, and tried again. “Hey guys! It’s Phil here! And today, I’m going to be answering your questions. I received a lot of them from everyone and I’m really eager to answer them so let’s jump right in.”

He smiled at himself. That would work! He reckoned he sounded pretty good right then and there. He got out his laptop and pulled up the list of questions he had chosen and sceenshotted and began again.

“First question is from Nicki underscore Rivera nineteen who asks ‘didn’t you used to make YouTube videos a while ago? What happened?’ Well Nicki, I did used to make videos back in…2009? Yeah, I think that’s correct. But then I got busy with life and being an adult and I kind of lost touch in something I enjoyed so much.”

When he was done, he mentally applauded himself for getting through the first question. He just had ten more to get through but he could do it!

Phil went through each question one by one and answered each one as honestly as he could without leaking too much of his private information. He saw so many of the questions asking for him to clarify his relationship with Dan or other prying for pictures of him and Dan. Frankly, Phil didn’t ever want to just speak so openly at him and Dan to people he knew as strangers.

He finished up the last question and then said his goodbyes to the camera and reached over, hitting the record button again to shut it off. He slowly took off the camera from the tripod and put it into his lap as he looked at the footage the best he could on the small view finder.

Phil turned off the camera and pulled out the SD card before taking his laptop with him to the breakfast bar and setting up a mini office there so he could begin to edit the video.

Spike had been sleeping the entire time in his bed in the corner which Phil was grateful for. He didn’t need his little fur baby jumping into the shot every few seconds because he wanted a treat or a belly rub. Although, Phil will probably give him a treat later for being such a good boy while he filmed.

Before Phil had sat down and begun to film, he’d briefly talked to Dan over the phone. It was surreal, really, to talk to Dan as he was waking up and Phil was just getting home from being with PJ. The time differences were still something he wasn’t quite able to get used to but pretty soon, he’d be with Dan for a short while in the same timezone.

The thing though was that they haven’t discussed what happened over Skype that one night. And maybe Phil is overthinking it just a tad, because he does tend to do that, but it is bothering him that he doesn’t really know if Dan was having second thoughts or not. Sure, he could say something to Dan. But wouldn’t it be awkward to open up a conversation by saying “hey, are you okay with the way we got off while on Skype?”

He should talk to Dan. He knows that he should but he can’t seem to bridge that awkwardness to do so. What if he had been reading these signs all wrong? What if Dan really was looking for just someone to quickly sleep with to get his mind off from everything else? But Dan wouldn’t do that? Phil wouldn’t let his mind believe that.

Fuck.

Phil doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do.

His phone suddenly goes off and the loud sound of the vibrations against the counter throw him off his balance and he jumps into the air with a gasp. He quickly picks up his phone and looks at it.

Dan: have to attend a party tonight with the cast but id rather be on Skype with you :(

Attached with the text is a picture of Dan half awake in his bed, his eyes hardly open and his curly hair falling over his face. Phil feels himself coo a little bit. Dan looks adorable. He looks so peaceful and dreamy and Phil can’t wait to experience what it’s like to wake up and see Dan like that, just looking at him.

Phil: stop being so pretty :(

This was testing the waters. If Dan replies back with a flirty text, clearly what happened over Skype will be fine and all will move on. If he doesn’t…Phil bites his lip. He really doesn’t want to think of that outcome if he’s being honest.

Dan: im not pretty your prettier

Phil can forgive all of the grammar and spelling mistake in Dan’s text through the feeling of the flutters in his heart. Okay, Phil feels a bit better about this now.

Phil: I can’t wait to see you on Sunday. I really miss you.

Dan: i miss you too

Dan: why aren’t you in bed with me

Dan: im sleepy and i wanna cuddle

Phil feels his heart melt out of his chest. Maybe he shouldn’t be feeling this lovestruck over something that he’s not even sure of yet, but he can’t help it. He can’t help it when he’s texting someone as beautiful and stunning as Dan.

He’s never wanted someone as beautiful and stunning as Dan. In just a few short weeks…barely two months…Phil has done something that he hasn’t been able to do in a very long time.

He’s fallen in love.

He’s fallen in love with the Skype calls. The pictures. The texts. The calls. Dan’s voice, his eyes, and his smile.

Phil’s fallen hard for Dan.

And all he can do is pray to whatever God is up there that Dan feels the same way.

Phil continues to text Dan for a while until his eyes get tired and he has to force himself to end the conversation. But before he goes, he sends Dan a voice message saying goodnight and then he gets out his suitcase.

He may still have a week before he leaves, but that doesn’t mean he can’t pack for what is about to be the most amazing time of his life.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I wasn't going to be able to upload on Wednesday which like, still does stand, but I got so excited that I wrote out around 6k for this story and have two chapters done so here is this one! haha Enjoy! :)

For a split second, Phil thought that maybe this idea wasn’t the smartest. It wasn’t exactly the most fool proof and he was sure that something bad was bound to happen. For one: he had no idea what it even meant to arrive to an airport and have a private jet waiting for him. 

That in itself was quite over whelming. 

For two: he had no idea how it even went to ride on a private jet. All he knew was that Dan’s bodyguard and a few other people who neglected to introduce themselves were also on the same plane and he felt a bit…out of place. Especially so with his Adidas bag as his ‘carry on’ luggage. 

His brother Martyn was watching Spike for the week and Phil had dropped him off before running to the airport after being stuck in traffic. Dan had reassured him that he plane would not leave without him―contrary to every other commercial plane. But Phil still felt like he had to rush to get there. 

But it was an entirely different feeling stepping off from the plane and being in sunny Los Angeles with the warmth kissing his skin. He’s escorted away to a private car by Joshua which should feel weird but Phil honestly finds it comforting knowing he had Dan’s bodyguard to protect him from any weird paparazzi or people. 

Phil gets into the back of the car and relaxes into the seat as the driver pulls away. He opens his phone and sends a text to Dan saying that he was here and on his way to his house…his house. Man, Phil didn’t quite know what to expect knowing he was about to see Dan’s house. Should he be nervous? Should he be excited? What is the proper reaction to seeing someone famous’s house for the first time? 

Nothing is said by anyone in the car the entire time they’re driving. If Phil wasn’t so overwhelmed by the entire ordeal, he might have used some of his abilities to start small talk with the driver but instead, he’s left speechless. 

It doesn’t take long for them to get to where they need to be and soon, Phil feels his breath leave his body as he gets to see what Los Angeles is beginning to look like―minus the heavy traffic that was currently holding them up. 

He took some photos for himself to keep as a memory and he added a snapshot to his Instastory so that way he could brag to his friends back home where he was. He knew that they would all be waiting and watching over social media for anything that he may say or post. 

Not to mention, he’s sure his name is going to be on some news sites by the end of the evening anyway. He can imagine it now. DAN HOWELL’S NEW BEAU ARRIVES IN LOS ANGELES or something like that. He feels a bit exasperated even at the thought of it. 

They crest up a steep hill and suddenly, they’re heading towards bigger and bigger mansions and Phil feels his heart stop a bit in his throat. He knew that Dan’s popularity and celebrity status would obviously mean that he would have a massive house but he was sure that the house they just passed was one of the Kardashian’s. 

“Excuse me…” Phil found his voice ringing out in the dead silence of the car. The driver turned his head slightly in recognition of Phil getting his attention. “Where are we?” 

“The Hollywood Hills.” The driver answers calmly. 

“Dan’s house is up here?” 

The driver nods. “Mr. Howell’s house is right up here. Just have to turn here and ring through the gate.” 

Phil sat back and watched as the driver took a right turn and suddenly was confronted by a gate with a code on the side. The driver put in the code and the gates shuddered before they began to open slowly, allowing for the driver to pass through. 

The drove down the straight road until they reached a semi-circle and the driver pulled around. In full view was Dan’s home, sat back away from everything else. It was pristine white with a beautiful fountain in front of it. It wasn’t nearly as big as all of those mansions that Phil had seen but it still blew his mind when the driver stepped out and opened his door for him. 

Phil grabbed his bag and stepped out onto the pavement of the driveway. He took in a deep breath and reached up, anxiously pushing his glasses further on his nose in a nervous habit. He began to walk forward, not even sure where to go in when he sees Dan, stood on the steps of his house with his arms crossed loosely over his chest. 

Phil had the overwhelming urge to run over and pick him up, squeezing him tight and just hugging him until they can’t breathe. But he didn’t. Instead, he tried to, as calmly as one could when they were shaking, walk over to Dan. 

Dan flashed his massive blinding smile at Phil and Phil flashed it back and suddenly, his bag was dropped to the ground as Dan wrapped his arms around him in a hug and held on tight. This was the first contact that they’d ever had but Phil honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Dan’s hug was genuine and warm and all Phil wanted to do was never let him go. He felt Dan’s face press into his neck as his grip tightened for a moment and then loosed. Phil let go and Dan let go too and they just looked at each other. 

Phil could kiss him. He really could and maybe he will? 

It would be so easy to lean in and just do it. 

He begins to lean in and Dan looks like he’s going to lean in too but…

“Dan? Where did you go? We’re not done going over what we’re setting up for the party tonight!” 

Marianne, Dan’s manager, came rushing out the door after them and whatever moment they were sharing was gone just as fast as it had came. 

Dan rolled his eyes and waved her off. “Tell Jess and Morgan that I’ll be back in a moment. Whatever they’re setting up can’t be that important anyway.” 

Phil furrowed his brows and when Dan turned back, he sensed the confusion that read on Phil’s face. “I’m sorry. I’m hosting a party tonight here at my house because apparently that’s what I have to do and my team are just busy setting up the decorations and everything else now. The caterer and the musicians will be around a bit later and this is all a bit of a hectic day, isn’t it?” 

Dan laughed nervously and Phil nodded because he really just wanted to spend the day with Dan. He wanted to be alone with Dan and just…he just wanted to be with Dan. No one else. Just him and Dan, cuddling or doing something more in Dan’s bed as they indulged in lost time. 

Phil really wanted to ask Dan on a date…and even better, maybe ask Dan if he’d like to be his boyfriend. But that’s a bit hard if Dan’s going to have hoards of people over tonight for a party. 

“I’m so sorry.” Dan repeats. “The timing was just pretty shit if I’m being honest but they wouldn’t really budge for the date since invitations went out for it like three weeks ago. I promise that the rest of the time you’re here, there will be no one else around. It’ll be just us.” 

Phil nods and forces a smile to Dan who just smiles back gently. 

“I’m really glad you’re here.” Dan continues. 

“I’m really glad I’m here too.” 

“Do you want something to eat? Or would you like a place to rest for a bit? I know how jet lag is so I can show you my room and you can take a little nap?” 

Phil nodded because he would love to take a nap for a few hours to try and catch up on sleep. He would absolutely love to just lay down in the plush comforter and pillows that he sees every time Dan Skype’s him. 

Dan motions him inside and Phil follows him, immediately feeling his breath hitch at the sight of the inside of Dan’s home. There is a grand staircase front and center when you walk in, and behind that, Phil can see an open area with what looks to be a TV and a living room set up. And in the distance, just past the windows, he can see a pool overlooking the valley. 

Dan takes him up the stairs and Phil follows as they head towards Dan’s bedroom. Dan pushes the door open and when Phil walks inside, his jaw drops. A massive king bed took up majority of the wall but that didn’t account for the rest of the stunning decor that laid around the room and on the walls. 

His bed was covered in a black grey duvet with big fluffy pillows and an ottoman in the front held a brand new sparkling suit and a pair of shoes―obviously for the party. Phil walks in further and looks out the left side, seeing a balcony with sliding glass doors and those billowy white curtains that Phil always thought looked cliche in romance novels. 

“It’s a bit of a mess.” Dan says, rubbing his neck. “But I haven’t really had the motivation to clean it up or anything.” 

“Dan, this is stunning.” Phil says, turning around and dropping his bag. “Everything about your house is just stunning.” 

Dan bites his lip and flashes red. “I personally think it’s a bit much but…it’s nice every once and a while to indulge in the perks, I guess?” 

Phil walks over to the bed, his feet carrying himself before he can even comprehend where he’s going. He presses his hand on the duvet and pushes down, feeling the feathery weight under his hand. He takes a seat and toes off his sneakers, hoping Dan won’t mind, and feels himself sink into the mattress. 

“You look like you’re in heaven, mate.” Dan says with a laugh. “But you’re welcome to sleep here for a little bit. I have to go back downstairs to make sure Marianne and the team aren’t fucking anything up but I’ll come up and wake you up if you start sleeping too long.” 

Phil nods and turns to him. “Thank you.” 

Dan nods back and smiles before he turns on his heels and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. 

Phil lays down on the bed and feels his body sink into it. He closes his eyes, taking off his glasses and setting them to the side, and just relaxes into it. He could get used to being here, sharing this bed with Dan. 

He doesn’t know how long he sleeps for, or really know even when he falls asleep. But when he wakes up, Dan is laying beside him in bed, his own eyes shut in a peaceful slumber. 

Phil gets the urge to reach over and stroke a stray piece of his hair off from his eyes. But he doesn’t. He just watches as Dan’s face crinkles up a bit in his sleep and then relaxes. He finds himself rolling closer, wanting to experience what it’s like to cuddle with Dan―and especially one who is sleepy. 

He reaches out and arm and puts his hand on Dan’s side, feeling the warmth travel through his touch. Dan stirs and Phil jumps, immediately thinking that his was a mistake and he’s breached some line that he shouldn’t have. But instead, Dan’s eyes open just a little bit and he smiles gently at Phil before he throws his arm over Phil’s chest and scooches forward. 

Dan’s head comes to rest on Phil’s chest and Dan’s body is practically covering Phil’s at this point, but he doesn’t care in the slightest. Dan’s weight and warmth is grounding for him and he wraps his arms around him, holding him just the way he wanted to, and lets his eyes drift back off into sleep. 

When he wakes up again, Dan is sat on the edge of the bed, stretching his arms up and then reaching down to unwrinkle his shirt that had gotten wrinkled as they slept. Dan scratches his side and then turns his head and his lips curl up in a smile as he sees Phil awake. 

“Hey, didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

Phil shook his head. “You didn’t.” 

“Is it okay that we cuddled?” Dan asked, his voice getting a bit more airy and serious. “Because I know I can get a bit clingy when I sleep but I didn’t want to cross any lines.” 

Phil quickly shook his head. “I really loved cuddling with you actually.” He smiles wider. “I really would like to do more of that actually.” 

Dan laughs and lets out a snort as he stands up. “Maybe later. But my party begins in a few hours and I need to get ready and I’m assuming you will have to too. And I also want to eat something before it begins as well.” 

Phil nods and begins to sit up, putting his glasses on as he swings his legs out to the edge of the bed and begins to stand on wobbly limbs. He’s still a bit jet-lagged, nowhere near as bad as he was before. 

He’s about to walk to his bag and pull out some clothes when he’s hit with the sudden realization that he did not pack anything for a party. Nothing he brought would be suitable for Dan’s party. 

“I don’t think I have anything to wear.” 

Dan looks up from where he’s stood at the end of his ottoman. “You can just borrow something of mine?” 

That is how two hours later, Phil ends up in the middle of a party that is definitely in full swing with a small plate of Hors d’oeuvres in his hand. He’s not quite sure where to begin or even how to begin. 

Dan is by his side but it’s been hard to really know what he’s supposed to do in these situations when Dan is currently downing his third cocktail of the evening and Phil isn’t even sure where his went. 

There had to be over 300 people in Dan’s house. It felt like people were packed like sardines inside the walls and Phil felt a bit overwhelmed. But at least this part was classy compared to the university parties that he used to go to as a student. 

These people were all dressed in fine and fancy dresses and well groomed tuxes. They sipped Champagne and ate finger foods and mingled with everyone else. There was no crazy lights or music or really anything that would scream a crazy party to Phil. 

But it’s just that these were all high profile celebrities and here was Phil, trying to find his way through the crowd to follow Dan, all the while trying to not spill his plate of food on the floor. 

Dan tried to introduce him to some of his friends. Many of them he did recognize from TV shows and even other movies. But a lot of them he didn’t know and he wanted to remain polite so he just nodded slowly and smiled as if he did know who they were. 

But it was hard for him to navigate all of the people and to find people he actually felt like he could speak to. A lot of them weren’t even the same social class as Phil and it was quite obvious in the way they held themselves in comparison to Phil who, frankly, had no fucking clue what he was doing. 

Within a few hours, he was a bit exhausted already and he could tell Dan was as well. But everywhere Dan went, he went, and when he find himself getting too claustrophobic, he walked out the sliding glass doors onto the patio with the pool where less people were mingling. 

He found a seat on a bench by the poolside and set down his plate and cursed himself for losing his actually really amazing cocktail. But it felt good to take a break away from everyone and not feel like he was fighting through the crowds. 

He’s not even entirely sure where Dan went either. 

Phil sits in silence all by himself as he eats the rest of his food and then gets out his cell phone to scroll through social media for a few. He’s still scrolling through his phone when footsteps enter his thought and he looks up and sees Dan stood in front of him with two glasses in his hands. 

He hands one to Phil and then he takes a sip of his own before sitting down. 

“It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?” Dan says, setting his glass onto the bench next to them. “It’s all a bit crazy actually when I look inside my own home and see everyone here. Like, I don’t even know a quarter of these people.” 

“What is the party for?” Phil asks. 

Dan shrugs his shoulders. “Literally not even that sure to be honest. I think something to do with my film.” 

Phil nods slowly and brings the rim of the glass up to his lips as he takes a drink and sets it down. “I’ve never been to a party like this before.” 

“I know.” Dan says. “I never had either prior to me actually becoming a well-known somebody.” He pauses. “They’re just so overwhelming. Funnily enough, you snagged this bench to break away which is the same bench I go to when I’m feeling overwhelmed.” 

“It’s a beautiful view, sitting here.” Phil comments, pointing out to the valley that you see just beyond Dan’s fence surrounding his pool. 

Dan nods. “It’s one of the few perks of owning this house.” 

Phil doesn’t know quite what to say, so he brings up his glass and takes another sip of his drink. Dan beside him finishes off his own.

“I’ve felt something for you since we saw each other for the first time in London.” Dan suddenly says. “And I feel like if I don’t say anything now while I’m a bit buzzed than I won’t. But I just wanted you to know that.” 

“I’ve liked you since we met.” Phil admits. “I knew it was more than just a silly crush when I couldn’t ever get you out of my head. I thought about you all the time.” 

“All the time?” Dan asks, raising an eyebrow. Phil feels his cheeks flush and he reaches out to swat gently at Dan’s arm. 

“You know what I mean.” 

“I really like you, Phil.” Dan says, turning his head to face him. 

Phil feels himself smile at the declaration before both them begin to lean in. 

Their lips collide and Phil feels how perfectly they slot together, almost as if they were made for each other. Dan’s hand comes up and his fingers weave through Phil’s hair as he holds him close for the kiss. 

Phil feels Dan’s tongue swipe against his bottom lip and he opens his mouth to let Dan in as their kisses deepen. He feels his breath shorten and his hands move up on Dan’s blazer, grabbing the lapels and pulling him closer. 

It was like fireworks going off in the distance. Dan’s lips on Phil’s felt perfect and natural. They were soft but also a bit dry but Phil didn’t care. He pulled back from the kiss and looked at Dan, his lips red and swollen. He dove back forward and connected their lips again like their lives depended on it. 

He doesn’t know how long they actually kissed for and frankly, he doesn’t care. When he pulls back for the second time, he looks at Dan and just smiles and laughs and Dan does the same. 

Everything feels spectacular and right. Phil can already feel the fondness for Dan climbing higher and higher the longer that they sit together on the bench. Dan intertwines their fingers and Phil hold his hand close to his body as they sit. 

The party continued behind them as they spoke the rest of the night away. They stole a few more kisses before they headed back inside as the party began to fizzle and people began to leave. 

By the end of the night, they were back in Dan’s bed together and Phil held Dan close, pressing little kisses on Dan’s hair as they fell asleep. 

Everything about this day was more than Phil could have ever asked for and he’ll never forget it as long as he lives. 


	18. Chapter 18

To wake up next to Dan was unlike anything Phil had experienced before. Turning on his side and seeing Dan curled up in a ball next to him was, singlehandedly, the most precious thing he has ever witnessed and that’s coming from someone who adopted Spike as a puppy.

There was just something so elegant about Dan while he slept. Maybe it was the fact that his face had no signs of worrying. Or maybe it was because Dan’s body was so visibly relaxed in the sheets.

Either way, Phil found him like an ethereal being.

Phil had no idea what time it was or even if it was a reasonable time for being awake. Maybe his jetlag had kicked in again and he’s actually awake at like 4am with no recollection of time or how it works. All he knew what that it was amazing to fall asleep holding Dan in his arms.

Phil’s been with other guys―and a few girls―but nothing has ever compared to this. No guy he’s been with has ever compared to Dan and maybe that’s why Phil was so infatuated with him. Dan was perfect in his eyes.

He was simply perfect.

And maybe it was a bit unhealthy to think of Dan as perfect because of course no human being could be perfect, but to Phil, Dan was as close to perfect as they come.

He reached out and touched Dan’s hair, just lightly pushing his fingers through the think bush of curls in a soothing way. Dan stirred a little bit before he opened his eyes slowly and his lips curled into a smile.

“Is it morning already?” Dan asked, his arms thrown up to stretch as Phil delicately removes his hand from Dan’s hair.

Phil shrugged. “Didn’t bother to check the time.”

Dan snorted. “I have a clock on my bedside table right behind you.”

Phil turned his eyes and squinted his eyes a bit to make out the time. 9:58. Well, at least it wasn’t 4am.

“Do you want to do anything today?” Dan asks, sitting up a bit in bed, the duvet slipping from his torso to his lap.

Phil shook his head. “Kind of just want to lay in bed with you all day.”

Dan laid back down and looked up at him, his eyes doe-like. “I could really use a day like that.”

“Me too.” Phil says, feeling his heart pick up it’s beat. “I feel like we need to make up for lost time.”

Dan flashed him another smile and leaned forward, pressing his hand on Phil’s jaw as he connected their lips. Phil wasn’t used to the way their lips slotted perfectly together with familiarity.

Dan began to deepen the kiss, pushing forward a bit so Phil was laying more on his back and Dan was hovering over him. But Dan suddenly pulled back, out of breath and panting. “Kind of need to brush my teeth.”

Phil let out a chuckle. “Same and I also need to put in my contacts.”

Dan fall backwards on the bed and turned, propping himself up and sitting on the edge of the bed. He stretches and Phil watches the rippling of the muscles of his back on his naked torso. He had forgotten that they fall asleep in nothing but their pants.

Phil watches as Dan walks over to his wardrobe first and opens the doors to it. He ruffles around a bit in it before he pulls out a pair of pants and a pair of sweatpants. Phil doesn’t have time to really comprehend the situation until Dan’s dropping his pants down and bending over, standing completely naked in full view of Phil.

Phil let’s out a silent breath and leans back on the bed, reaching over to grab his glasses so the world isn’t quite as blurry. He pushes them on and looks back up but Dan’s already dressed in clothing and walking towards the ensuite bathroom and shutting the door.

While Dan is in the bathroom, Phil scrambles around for his phone and picks it up, looking at the messages from his friends and family. He answers all that he can before the door to the bathroom opens again and Dan walks out. He walks over to the bed and sits down turning to Phil.

“Your turn.”

Phil gets up from the bed and walks over to his bag, pulling out a fresh pair of pants and a pair of joggers with a shirt and takes them in his hand with his bag of toiletries to the bathroom.

He’d seen the bathroom last night but it still doesn’t take away the awe that he feels when he walks inside of it. The massive jacuzzi tub and a shower next to it with a double vanity and a mirror that takes up the entire wall.

He quickly does his business, dresses, and then goes to the sink and brushes his teeth. When he’s done, he puts his contacts in and then leaves the pot along with his toothbrush and toothpaste next to Dan’s.

It looks right like that. Phil’s stuff next to Dan’s looks exactly how it should.

Phil feels his heart skip a beat.

When he walks back out, Dan is laying on his back, propped up by a few pillows, and scrolling on his phone. Phil walks over and lays down next to him. Dan puts his phone down on the nightstand next to them and smiles at Phil. “Where were we?”

“I believe we were making up for lost time.” Dan whispers, leaning over and reconnecting their lips into a heated kiss.

Phil reaches up and curls his fingers into the hair on the nape of Dan’s neck. Without warning, Dan pushes Phil over onto his back and straddles him, placing his legs on either side of Phil’s hips.

Phil’s wanted this for so long and it’s a delicious feeling, having Dan’s weight sitting on his hips. He can feel arousal stir in his stomach and he flushes a little bit at being able to get hard after just some kissing and Dan on his lap.

“It feels so good to finally be able to do this.” Dan whispers as he breaks the kiss, his words like a ghost on his lips.

“You have no idea.”

Phil feels Dan’s smile against his lips before Dan pushes back and forces their lips together again. Phil reaches up, placing his hands on Dan’s hips and holding. Dan’s hips were so nice to grip and Phil’s mind instantly raced with all of the dirty images possible at that realization.

Dan’s hips rolled forward and Phil’s breath hitched in his throat. He pulled away from the kiss and let out a soft whimper. Dan pressed his lips against Phil’s cheek, lightly kissing the skin as he rolled his hips again.

As Dan continued to roll his hips with more and more eagerness, Phil found his pants getting tighter. Dan’s breathing picked up and he began to stutter his breaths a bit. Then he stopped and Phil felt his body tense.

Fuck, he didn’t want Dan to stop.

“Sorry.” Dan whispered. “I don’t want to finish in my pants like a teenager.”

“Me either.” Phil answered truthfully.

Dan sat back and slid off from Phil’s lap as he reached down and pushed his pants and joggers down, once again being naked from the waist down. Phil huffs to himself with a little laugh at how they got dressed only to get undressed so soon after.

But his thoughts quickly leave when he sees Dan. His cock was hard and leaking against his skin as Dan slowly pulled his shirt off as well.

Phil felt his body move as he slipped his own pants down as well and threw his shirt off, being fully naked. It felt vulnerable, being naked next to Dan. But at the same time, it was so damn intimate that Phil couldn’t help but lean over and connect their lips once more.

Dan didn’t let the kiss get heated. He gently pushed at Phil’s chest until Phil disconnected and lent back. Almost instantly, Dan pushed Phil so he was sitting with his back against the headboard of Dan’s bed.

Dan pushed between Phil’s legs and Phil felt his breath hitch as he looked down and saw Dan sitting there. Dan’s hand came down to rest on his thigh and Phil bit his lip in anticipation.

“I really want to blow you, if that’s okay with you?”

Phil nodded quickly, not even hesitating because fuck, he wanted this so so badly. So much so that it almost hurt to see Dan so close to his cock and not quite doing anything yet.

Dan wrapped his hand around Phil and Phil sucked in a breath. Dan pumped him a few times, his fist sliding loosely over his length. “You’re really big.” Dan said, looking down at it. “Even bigger than what I thought it was going to be on Skype.”

“Is that a problem?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “Never.”

And then he was leaning down and his mouth encased the head of Phil’s cock. Phil let out a loud moan and reached out, gripping his fingers in Dan’s hair, holding tight as Dan slowly took him further down.

Phil nearly lost his composure when he felt himself hit the back of Dan’s throat but he managed to regain it. Dan hollowed out his cheeks on the way up and the delicious suction left Phil’s toes curled so tightly and his hands fisting rather hard in Dan’s hair.

Dan pulled off, taking a few breaths and stroking Phil gently. Phil eased up on his hold of Dan’s hair and Dan looked up at him and smiled. “I don’t mind.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Phil says, his voice out of breath.

“You won’t hurt me.”

Dan took him back into his mouth and Phil threw his head back. He’s gotten blow jobs before but this has to be the best one he’s ever received and he doesn’t know if it’s because it’s Dan or if it’s because Dan is that skilled in doing this.

He doesn’t last long and he’s rather ashamed when he warns Dan and Dan pulls off and finishes Phil with his hand. But he’s also too blissed out to really feel embarrassed about it anymore than that little ping in his chest.

Dan finishes himself off with his hand while Phil watches and it’s honestly the hottest thing he’s seen in a long time. With them both sated from their orgasms and breathing heavily, trying to catch their breaths, Dan lays down next to Phil and rests his head on his chest.

“I’m hungry.” Dan says and Phil chuckles.

“Food?”

“Totally.”

They clean themselves up with some tissues from Dan’s bed side drawer and then they both dress once again before they head downstairs to Dan’s kitchen.

“What are you in the mood for?” Dan asks and he walks over to his double doored fridge and opens up the right door. “I don’t have much but I have stuff to make a like salad? Actually no…I don’t have lettuce. Oops.”

Phil finds himself laughing at Dan talking to himself as he looks through the refrigerator.

“I’ll eat anything as long as it doesn’t have cheese.”

Dan stiffens and turns around, shutting the door behind them. “Have we had this conversation before?”

Phil shakes his head. “I don’t think so?”

“I can’t date someone who doesn’t like cheese.”

There is a lot to unpack in Dan’s statement but Phil decides to hang onto the first part, rather than the second part. Did Dan just refer to them as dating? Did he hear that correctly?

“Seriously, mate.” Dan continues on. “How do you not like cheese?”

“I just don’t like the taste or the texture.” Phil answers truthfully.

“Do you like pizza?”

“Of course.”

Dan cocks an eyebrow. “Pizza is like 75% cheese. How do you like pizza and not like cheese?”

“Because the other toppings mask it.”

Dan lets out a loud laugh. “You must get asked those questions a lot because those are some pretty confident and rehearsed answers.”

Phil rests his arms on the counter where he’s sat, looking across the way at Dan.

“Every person I’ve ever known thinks I’m crazy for not liking it.”

“Because you are!” Dan counters with a laugh.

Dan leans onto the other side of the counter and pulls his phone out of his pocket. “How about we get some Chinese food? I’ll have Marianne pick it up for us and drop it off here. What do you like?”

***

“This is going to be a bad idea.”

“Maybe so.” Dan says, tapping his bottom lip with his fingers. “But it’s going to make a fun video.”

“How is asking people for assumptions of myself going to make a fun video?” Phil questioned. “So far all of the assumptions are that you and I are together.”

“Well they’re not wrong.” Dan says, his head immediately turning to look at Phil.

There it was again. Dan’s said this a few other times since this morning and Phil feels flutters in his chest from it but he also doesn’t quite know what Dan means. They haven’t really discussed anything outside from the mutual adoration they had for one another.

“They’re not?” Phil says, hoping to egg Dan on a bit with his question.

Dan just stared intently at Phil, almost as if he didn’t quite know what to say to answer that question but yet he wanted to anyway.

“Yes? Right?” He says and Phil can sense a waver in his voice. “We are dating right? I’m not just getting the wrong impression?”

Phil felt his heart beat faster in his chest as he let out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. “I’d like to be?”

Dan’s face visibly relaxed and his shoulders appeared to be less tense as he smiled at Phil, turning on his stool where they were still sat at the breakfast bar. “Me too.”

Dan leaned in first and captured Phil’s lips in a quick kiss before Phil pulled away and smiled, his cheeks hurting a bit from how happy he was.

“So are we officially boyfriends?” Phil asked with a blush. “I’m a bit bad at this whole labeling thing.”

“Is this your way of asking me to be your boyfriend?” Dan asks. “Because if so, I’d love to be your boyfriend.”

They connected their lips once more into a kiss before Phil pulled back, trying to not get worked up even though he definitely wanted to grab Dan and pull him back to bed for a few hours.

But as much as the relationship may be going fast, Phil was still determined to keep it grounded. He didn’t want the relationship to go into a hyperdrive. He wanted to lay down and just enjoy Dan’s company and if it led to more, he wouldn’t complain. But he wasn’t going to make it the priority for their relationship by any means.

“Now back to the assumptions!” Dan said, reaching out and grabbing Phil’s phone that laid abandoned on the counter. “Did you get any other decent ones?”

Phil looked over Dan’s shoulder as Dan scrolled through Phil’s Instagram assumptions that he had asked on his story and began to screenshot the ones he liked. Phil just found himself laughing as Dan called out the ones that were just blatantly untrue and then laugh at the ones that were true.

“This is going to make a fun video.” Dan says. “But where do you want to film it? I can get my manager to rent us out an office for the day or we can set it up in my office?”

Phil thought for a second and it hit him that he didn’t even know Dan had an office. But to fair, all Phil did know was basically Dan’s bedroom and kitchen and honestly, that’s all he needed.

“We can just use your office.” Phil says. “As long as you don’t mind?”

Dan shook his head. “No, that’s fine! I’ll show you where it is.”

They both hopped up from their stools and Dan led the way as they headed around and back up the stairs. They passed the door to Dan’s bedroom and then they ended up at another door that Dan pushed open.

It wasn’t very big but the office had Phil’s jaw dropped. The big picture window in front of Dan’s desk was amazing. And just the decorations of succulent plants and other items made Phil jealous that he didn’t have a space like this.

“There is where I do a lot of my work.” Dan says. “And this is also where I do my press calls and Skype calls as well.”

“So you get to just work in here?”

Dan nods. “But I don’t use anything in here often. I mostly come in here when I’m having a breakdown and need a safer space to be than out in the open in my house or my bedroom.”

Phil felt his heart clench. He looked over at Dan who was just looking down at the plush carpet under their feet. He opened his mouth to speak but Dan changed the subject.

“So I’ll go and grab my camera and my tripod and then we can set it up! I use my DSLR mainly for doing professional photos but it can handle a few videos.”

Phil thinks that it was probably for the best that whatever his mind was telling him to say actually didn’t end up being said. But he watched as Dan left the room and he stood back, looking at the white walls and contrasting green flowers.

They filmed the video and Phil thought it was the funniest video that he’s filmed in a long time. Going through each assumption and having Dan with him to comment made it really fun to film.

He wasn’t going to edit it right now. He was going to let it just sit on a flash drive on his computer until he got back to London…wow, he didn’t like that thought. He only had four more days here in LA and he wasn’t ready to leave Dan yet.

Not when they’re currently laying in Dan’s bed with Netflix playing some movie on Dan’s laptop on the foot of the bed. Dan’s head is resting on Phil’s chest and Phil knows that he’s sleeping but that doesn’t bother him.

He just runs his hands through the curls on top of Dan’s head and listens to the sound of him breathing.

Fuck, he doesn’t want to ever leave him behind to go home.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a couple brief mentions of drugs in this chapter so be careful if that's upsetting to you! It has nothing to do with Dan or Phil consuming them or using them, it's just a brief mention made by Dan about what happens at parties.

“My interview for People magazine is out today.” Dan says, laying on his back with Phil sitting beside him. “Do you want to see the photos?”

Phil nods eagerly and continues to watch over Dan’s shoulder.

They hadn’t done anything all day besides film the video from earlier and then take a brief nap while Phil mainly just held Dan and let his eyes droop every once and a while. “Yeah, I do.”

Dan clicked on the email he was staring at and opened the photos, displaying a beautiful photo of Dan smiling as the cover. “This is the cover shot.” Dan said. “I think it turned out really well.”

“You look stunning.” Phil says, leaning down to get a better look.

Dan let out a scoff and turned his head, mouthing a quick kiss to Phil’s neck. “You’re just saying that.”

Phil shook his head and Dan’s lips curled into a smile against his throat. Phil was still in a state of disbelief about this entire situation if he was being honest. If you would have asked Phil of one year ago where he would be right now, he’d say still working at the BBC with PJ, Gemma, and Louise. He wouldn’t have even considered Spike yet. But here he is, laying in bed with Daniel Howell, his head resting on Phil’s chest as he scrolls through Instagram.

“Some photos from my party last night are surfacing.” Dan adds on, making the point by clicking on the photo posted by some celebrity that Phil’s actually never heard of before. “I don’t even remember taking this photo.”

Phil snorts as he looks at the photo of Dan stood with the female. Dan’s got a cocktail in hand and Phil’s not quite sure what one it was. Probably the third or forth.

“Who is that?”

Dan double taps the photo to like it and then continues scrolling. “Her name is Anna.” Dan said, stopping on a photo of Ariana Grande and double clicking that as well. “She worked on our set.”

“Oh.”

Phil watched as Dan scrolled further and further and somehow ended up US Weekly Magazine’s Instagram, looking at the photo of him from the night before at the party. “I wanna know who gives these magazines my photos.” Dan says. “I don’t do it. I know Marianne doesn’t. I just wanna know who does.”

Phil swallowed, his stomach knotting a bit and his heart beginning to race. “Do you think anyone took photos of us…you know, kissing?”

Dan turned his head and sat away from Phil a little bit. Phil looked at him and bit his lip. “No.” Dan said, his voice stiff. Almost like he was trying to tell himself the answer too. “No one would.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked. He really just needed to know if there was any chance of their kiss being leaked.

Dan nodded. “Phil, people were probably doing lines in my bathroom. If they are going to leak a photo of us kissing, that would be pretty damn hypocritical.”

Phil watched as Dan quickly tossed his phone to side and then turned on the bed so he was resting on his elbow, looking up at Phil. “I just don’t want the tabloids to see us before we’re ready.”

Dan nodded. “Me too.”

There was a silence between them and Phil watched Dan’s face for any signs of any uncomfortable feelings he might be going through in his head. “My last relationship got outed before we were ready.” Dan said, his voice staggering a bit. “Kellin and I were just enjoying our time together. I really liked him and he really liked me and then we stupidly walked out of a cafe holding hands and the media ate up on it. Our relationship was never the same.”

“What happened?”

Phil doesn’t know why he asked that. He shouldn’t have really. It wasn’t his business. He doesn’t have to know anything about Dan’s past.

“Well,” Dan begins. “Kellin didn’t like it because he wanted to remain as private as possible. He didn’t want to do anything besides just when we were alone and it bit a pretty big strain on us. Especially when we were working on a movie together at the time. So being on set and seeing him and knowing we were dating but I couldn’t touch him was extremely difficult.” Dan looked down at his shirt and Phil watched as he began to pick a stray string on his hem as he spoke. “A lot of people don’t know this but Kellin cheated on me anyway the last few months we were together with the woman he’s with now. When he told me about her, I was under the impression that he was using her as a vice to get the tabloids and paparazzi off our back. But I was stupid and young and I thought it would be fine. But it wasn’t. I’m sure you saw our fight over social media.”

Phil actually hadn’t seen much of the fight but he’d heard about it. He’d heard that it wasn’t pretty and it did in fact stir a lot of news. For a short time, he even remembers hearing people around work talking about who’s side they were one.

“But that was the past.” Dan says. “And you’re my future and even though it’s only been a short time, you’re already making me the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” Dan paused and Phil continued to listen, his heart bursting with fondness and love at the seams. “I knew when I first saw you that you were going to be important to me. That’s why I invited you out of literally anyone else to show me around London. I know that was a shitshow but I was in such a bad mental place when you met me. And talking with you has helped me stay grounded. You’ve helped me realize that I can handle everything that’s happening around me. And I’ll never be able to thank you enough.” Dan let out a laugh. “God, this sounds so cheesy but you actually saved my life, Phil.”

Phil looked at Dan and watched as the first tear made its why down Dan’s cheek. He was smiling at Phil but at the same time, more and more tears fell down his cheek. Phil reached over and wiped it away with his thumb, feeling the wetness spread under his touch. “I think I knew you were going to be important to me the first time I saw you.” Phil said. “I knew you were the one for me.”

“I knew you were the one for me too.” Dan said, as he leaned away from Phil and reached up, wiping the rest of his tears away with his hands. “God, we sound so disgusting right now.”

Phil let out a laugh and reached up, wiping away his own unshed tears. “I think we have a right to be in this case.”

“Maybe so.” Dan said, sitting up in bed. “But I think Marianne is coming over tonight for some drinks and to catch me up about what my week looks like so I need to shower after our activities today.”

Phil felt his cheeks flush. He’d forgotten about that morning, the way Dan’s mouth felt on him. He felt his heart flutter and he willed himself to calm down. There were going to be many more times to do that before he leaves.

“I probably should too.” Phil said. “I think I still smell like airplane and I don’t know how you haven’t gotten sick because of it.”

“Want to shower with me?” Dan asks, standing up and beginning to walk to the edge of the bed. “Come on! It’ll be nice.”

Phil didn’t need to be asked twice as he shot up from the bed and followed Dan to the bathroom where Dan shut the door behind them.

Phil waited as Dan bent over and drew the water in the tub before turning around and smiling at Phil. “I’ll get in first and then when you’re ready, you can get in second.”

Phil watched as Dan pushed down his sweatpants into a pile on the floor and then lifted his shirt off. Phil caught a quick glance of his naked body before he turned and stepped behind the glass door into the shower and shut it.

Phil quickly stripped himself and then did the same, following suit with his clothing. He stepped forward and slowly pushed open the door before stepping in and immediately being hugged by Dan’s arms.

Dan maneuvered them so they were both under the warm mist as he shut the door and then rest his forehead against Phil’s. Phil smiled at him through the waterfall before he leaned forward and captured their lips again.

Phil would never grow tired of the way their lips moulded perfectly together and the way that Dan knew exactly how to kiss and how just amazing every kiss was. Phil reached one hand up and rested it on Dan’s jaw as his other hand moved around Dan’s back and cupped Dan’s ass.

Dan let out a surprised yelp before moving forward and resting their bodies closer together. Phil felt Dan’s hardness resting against his hip and he mewled at the thought of doing anything with Dan.

But his thoughts were short lived as Dan let out a little snort and then pulled back and turned around quickly in Phil’s arms as he bent down in front of Phil and picked up his shampoo from the edge of the tub. “Actually have to shower and try to get clean.” Phil felt himself let out a huff of frustration as Dan stood back up and turned as he handed the bottle to Phil. “Wash my hair and I was yours?”

“Deal.”

Phil squirted a generous amount of the scent of the orange gel in his hand brought him back to his flat, where he found Dan’s shampoo sitting in his shower and it instantly reminded him of Dan and his heart ached.

He reached up and rans his hands through Dan’s curls, lathering it up as Dan shut his eyes, putting his entire trust until Phil. Which, in hindsight was a bad thing as Phil watched in slow motion as a white drop of the shampoo cascaded from Dan’s curl and landed right on Dan’s eyelash. He went to move it away when Dan opened his eyes and immediately yelped out. “Fucking hell!” He yelled, ducking his head under the rinse as washing everything away as it swirled down the drain.

Phil found himself wincing and feeling immediately bad for not trying to stop Dan from getting shampoo in his eye. “Did you get it?”

Dan turned around from under the mist and opened his eyes as he looked at Phil and Phil cringed harder as he saw Dan’s completely red and bloodshot right eye. “It doesn’t hurt too bad.” Dan says. “On the brightside, the redness will go away and it also didn’t hurt as bad as getting jizz in my eye.”

Phil felt his mouth drop open. “You’ve gotten cum in your eye before.”

Dan let out a laugh and reached up, bringing his hands up so his fingers pet down the soft bit of hair of Phil had on his chest. “That is a long story that I am not getting into but just know that cum in the eye stings really fucking bad.” Phil snorted and Dan continued to laugh. Dan reached for the shampoo and began squirting some in his hand. “My turn for revenge.”

“Please don’t get anything in my eyes. They’re delicate.”

“No promises.”

Dan didn’t actually get anything in his eyes and he was incredibly grateful for that even if he did still feel bad about getting some in Dan’s. They each took turns washing their own bodies and then just as they were getting done, Dan suddenly reached out and grabbed for Phil again, just resting their bodies together.

There was nothing sexual about it. It was just raw intimacy as Dan rested his chin on Phil’s shoulder and let out a contented sigh. “I never want you to leave.”

“I have to.”

“I know.” Dan says, his voice a bit sad. “But that doesn’t mean that I want you to leave.”

“I don’t want to leave either.”

“It’s going to be tough.” Dan says, pulling away and resting his hands on Phil’s arm as they stood still under the mist that was now growing cool. “But please don’t give up on me, or this. I know for a while you’re going to face speculation on Twitter and Instagram but…please don’t give up on me.”

“Never.”

Phil leaned forward and connected their lips once more into a kiss before pulling back and looking at Dan. Dan gave him a sad smile before he ducked around and turned the water off.

Dan got out first and grabbed a towel from his closet before he tossed one to Phil who wrapped it around himself.

They got dressed quickly, which was a good thing considering that not long after they were both dressed and Phil had his hair all done and Dan was just beginning to blow dry his, the doorbell rang and Dan rushed down to let Marianne in.

It was awkward for a bit, Phil had to admit as they all sat poolside next around a small table next to Dan’s pool. Dan had fixed them both a few drinks before they all sat down and Marianne immediately got into Dan’s plans for the next week and a half.

Phil didn’t listen as they spoke, mostly because he didn’t understand hardly anything they were saying and he also just felt like it wasn’t his place to know all of Dan’s plans. However, he was ripped from his thoughts as he heard his name being said by Dan.

“…Phil can come with me to this one though, right?”

He was pointing to something on Marianne’s iPad screen as it sat on the table and Phil felt his pulse pick up. What was Dan referring to? Where was Phil going?

“Well, he could go to technically any of these besides the closed film promotion shoot with US Weekly but this would be the easiest for him to go unnoticed if that is what you’re thinking.”

“I’m sorry, what are you guys talking about?”

Dan and Marianne both looked up at him. “I have a party I have to attend in West Hollywood tomorrow night so did you want to come?”

“What type of a party is it?” Phil asked, looking at Dan with some hope in his eyes that it wouldn’t be a rager with orgies, drugs, and whatever else happens.

“It’s another black tie party but this one is just more of a meet and greet for us in the film but I have the option to bring a plus one so you can be my plus one. It’ll be super lowkey. No photography is even allowed inside so we’ll be fine.”

Phil let out a small breath of relief and then smirked. “If you say so.”

Dan reached across the table and placed his hands over Phil’s. It was all the reassurance that Phil needed that even though he was beginning the early stages of being a part of Dan’s lifestyle, Dan was still going to help him every step of the way. Much like how he is helping Dan feel better about being in this lifestyle.

It some weird way, they were like each other saviors and that made Phil feel really good. Less than three months ago, he’d never have imagined that he would be here right now, in Los Angeles, agreeing to go to a party with his boyfriend who just so happens to be the Daniel Howell. It all feels surreal. And maybe it is a bit surreal. But Phil knows one thing is for sure, he’s not afraid of his future anymore. He’s not afraid of where he’ll be in the next year.

He’s not going to be alone, wallowing in his own misery over being 32 and single. He’s going to be with Dan, who he knows already he wants to be with for a long time. And that’s all that matters to him right now is knowing Dan is still standing by his side and he’s standing by Dan’s.

And if he’s being honest, it feels pretty fucking great.


	20. Chapter 20

This party felt a bit different than the one that was at Dan’s house just a few nights before. This one felt a bit more intimate and if Phil was being honest, that made it that much scarier to him. 

He felt completely out place and like there was nowhere for him to hide. At Dan’s party, there had been so many people that it didn’t make a difference if he tried to push through the crowds of people and move on to a different area. But right now, he was stuck in the middle of a conversation at Dan’s side at a pub table that was dressed up way too fancy…Phil was sure that there were Swarovski crystals lining the outside. He was afraid to so much as leave a finger print on them. 

Dan looked right in his element though and maybe that was what made Phil a tad bit more scared that he should have been. Dan looked so comfortable and poised and here was Phil, stood with his elbows on the edge of the pearl white table cloth and a half-drunk glass of Champagne stood in-between his hands. 

Dan had introduced him to these people who he was speaking to but Phil can’t bothered to actually remember what Dan said about them. All he knew is that Dan knew them from his movie and that’s all. 

“…Phil lives in London.” 

Phil picked his head up and looked at Dan. 

“Oh really? Which area?” 

“I’m not sure,” Dan said, turning his head towards Phil. “Which area is it?” 

Phil looked at the brunette who was currently stood on the other side of the table, her arms folded elegantly on the edge as her bracelets draped her forearms. “Victoria.” 

“Oh, Victoria!” She cooed in a way that made Phil want to roll his eyes. He actually doubted she knew where Victoria was. He wasn’t trying to be brash about it, to be fair, he wasn’t sure many people even knew London was broken up that way it was. He didn’t until he looked for flats. 

“It quite cute.” Dan commented. “His flat is near a beautiful park. And he also has the cutest puppy ever.” 

Phil was quite in shock. Had Dan been speaking so openly to this other person about him and he was just not paying any attention to notice? Or was Dan really just playing up the ‘we’re friends’ card? Phil wasn’t quite sure anymore. 

“Puppy?” She said. “Do you have photos? I’d love to see it.” 

“Oh course I have photos, Mimei.” 

Phil suddenly felt his stomach drop out of his ass. Was he really not paying that much attention to anything around him to know that this was Mimei Lake? She had a different hair color from the blonde locks she had in the attached photo from the email a couple months ago. Now it was a natural red color that reminded him of his own―but maybe her’s was a bit lighter. 

Phil watched as Dan pulled out his phone and put it on the table as he turned it around and showed her all of the photos of Spike he must have taken when he was in London. Phil watched as Dan scrolled through the photos but he didn’t recognize any of them. Nor did he know Dan had taken so many selfies with his pup. 

“What’s his name?” 

“Spike.” Dan and Phil both answered at the same time, causing Mimei to laugh. 

“Where did the name come from?” She asked. “Because that sounds like the name of a ferocious beast but he looks to be the cuddliest creature alive.” 

“It’s from a character on one of my favorite TV shows Buffy.” 

Phil watched as Mimei’s eyes lit up. “Buffy? Oh my gosh, I loved Buffy as a teen! Sarah Michelle Gellar was my idol!” 

“I used to have the biggest crush on her.” Phi admitted with a chuckle. Dan laughed to himself next to him. “My mum used to find it weird how I had her photos hanging on the walls of my room.” 

“Amazing.” Mimei commented with a smile. “That sounds like me with Aaron Carter.” 

“You both with your teenage celebrity crushes.” 

Phil and Mimei both looked at Dan with wide eyes. “You’ve never had a celebrity crush?” Phil asked, elbowing Dan gently in the side. “That’s hard to believe.” 

“Why?” Dan asked. “I had celebrity crushes but I’m not gonna admit them.” 

“And why’s that?” Phil pressed. “How bad could they be?” 

“I’m not saying.” 

Phil was going to press more on the subject when someone else rounded to the table and stood by Mimei, placing her arm around Mimei’s waist. “Hello, Dan.” 

“Hi, Dayna.” 

Okay, so now Phil had another person to remember the name of. This time, their name was Dayna. That didn’t seem so bad to try and remember. 

“Phil, this is Dayna, Mimei’s wife.” 

Phil cocked his eyebrow up. That was a pleasant surprise. Maybe that’s why Dan was comfortable mentioning Phil so much around her. “Pleasure to meet you.” Dayna said, sticking out her hand for Phil to shake. 

“Dayna, this is Phil, my boyfriend.” 

Phil had to admit that it took a bit of his breath away to hear Dan formally introduce him as his boyfriend to someone else. He panicked a bit, looking around to make sure that no one else heard anything. Everyone else was in their own little worlds around the tables, just mingling with each other. 

“Ah, so you’re the famous Phil who Dan wouldn’t shut up about.” 

Phil looked at Dan with a smile just in time to see red flourish on his cheeks. 

“Wouldn’t shut up about me, huh?” 

Dan just shook his head. “Stop embarrassing me.” 

“You do it to yourself, bud.” Mimei said with a warm chuckle.

Dayna leaned over and whispered something in Mimei’s ear before Mimei looked up and smiled at them both. “We have to get going but it was great seeing you again, Dan. I know we’re done filming our parts together but it was a pleasure working with you.” 

“You as well.” Dan nodded back as Mimei and Dayna grasped hands and headed off towards another section of the room. 

“They’re both super nice.” Phil commented once they were gone. 

Dan nodded. “I loved working with Mimei.” He paused. “Although it was a bit awkward filming our sex scene when she’s a lesbian and I’m a gay male. Didn’t quite work how it should have but…” 

“I can’t wait to see the film.” 

Phil hadn’t really ever said that aloud because he wasn’t quite sure himself if he even was interested in the film before. But now he wants to support Dan in any way that he can. 

“I can’t wait for you to see it.” 

Dan began to lean down and Phil was ready to accept the kiss when Dan suddenly stopped and stiffened, standing up a bit straighter and stopping his movements. “We actually probably shouldn’t kiss here. Do you want to head out? I’m hungry and these tiny sandwiches aren’t doing much.” 

Phil smiled at him and nodded and they both left, their flutes of champagne long forgotten on the table. 

***

Dan had a driver chauffeur them around LA to get food and they managed to stop at just a quick burger place to grab food to take back to Dan’s house. By the time they got back, it was well past midnight and Phil was feeling a bit tired, but still a little buzzed from the party. 

It was apparent that Dan was a bit buzzed himself with a second wind of energy when they both got ready for bed and Dan laid down before Phil and reached for his phone, not even blinking or yawning in the process. 

Phil watched him for a moment as he rushed out a text with his finger tips and then threw his phone off the side of the bed and turned back to Phil with a smile. “Hi.” 

“Hi.” 

Phil will never get tired of this. Of seeing Dan in such a natural state like lying in bed with his pajamas on, his hair slightly messy and his eyes a bit glassy from the alcohol buzzing in his system. 

Phil’s said it once, and he’ll say it forever but Dan really was an angel. 

“Can I ask you something?” Dan says out of the blue. 

Phil feels his heart sink about but the hopeful look in Dan’s eyes make him remember that they promised to be there for each other and to never give up on the other person. He had to remember that, even if the question had his heart beating out of his chest. 

“Of course.” 

“Do you reckon we’re moving a bit fast?” 

Phil doesn’t know what he was expecting to be the question Dan was going to ask but it certainly was not that question. He felt his heart flutter a bit more before his eyes glazed over a bit. 

“What do you mean?” 

He was preparing for the worst. Maybe Dan was having second thoughts about all of this? Maybe Dan decided that he couldn’t be with some loser like Phil who wasn’t rich or famous? Maybe Dan decided that Phil wasn’t good enough for him? 

Dan let out a loud sigh that broke Phil out of his pessimistic thoughts. “It’s…not anything bad, per se.” Dan begins, rolling onto his back as if he’s avoiding making eye contact. “But I feel as if I don’t really know you?” 

Phil felt his heart break a bit more. 

Dan rolled back onto his side and looked up at Phil. “No matter how I say this, I’m aware I’m going to look like a dick but it’s just…let’s get to know each other, yeah? I don’t want to rush forward and not know anything about you.” 

Phil let out a staggering breath. “But this isn’t you giving up on me, right?” 

Dan suddenly shot up and moved so he was sitting onto his backside on the bed, looking straight at Phil. He reached out and placed his hands on Phil’s jaw, steadying the slight wobble that it was beginning to have. 

“No, God, no!” Dan quickly reassured. “You mean the absolute world to me, Phil.” 

Phil felt like he wanted to believe him but his heart was still a bit ragged and his mind was a bit clouded. 

“And you’re the one supposed to not be giving up on me, remember?” 

Phil felt his head nod subconsciously. 

“So we’re not breaking up?” Phil asks, the question lingering in the air. 

Dan moved his hands around to behind Phil’s neck and drew Phil closer, planting a firm kiss on his lips that cause Phil to hesitate before reciprocating. He reached around and put his hand on Dan’s side, feeling the soft flesh mould under his fingers. 

Dan pulled away and shook his head. “You’re it for me, Phil. That’s what I’m trying to say. You’re my person and I can tell already that we’re meant for each other. That’s why I want to get to know you. Now if you’re going to start crying, can you maybe warn me first because I’ll cry if you cry and I really don’t want to go to bed with swollen and sore eyes.” 

Phil let out a soft chuckle of relief as he and Dan disentangled themselves away from each other long enough for him to wipe away the moisture from under his eyes. “Now,” Dan continued. “Let’s play like twenty questions or something. You ask a question, I have to answered and we’ll go back and forth until we either get bored or pass out. I’ll go first!” Dan situates himself across from Phil on the bed and smiles. “How old were you when you have your first kiss?” 

Phil scoffed. “Oh we’re playing this kind of twenty questions?” Phil teased. “What are we? Twelve year olds at a slumber party?” 

“Hell fucking yes, Phil!” Dan bellowed out. “After this will do each others hair and then have a pillow fight.” 

“Shouldn’t we be drinking for this?” Phil asks. 

“Quit stalling and answer the question, mate!” 

“I was sixteen.” 

Dan’s eyes widened and Phil suddenly felt his cheeks flush. “Oh, Phil!” 

“I was a late bloomer.” He mumbled, trying to hide the embarrassment from his voice. 

Dan noticed and reeled the conversation back in. “If it makes you feel any different, mine was when I was age 6 with a girl named Lilith and all she did was lean forward plant her mouth on mine. It was quite gross.” 

Phil let out a laugh. “How old were you when you decided you wanted to go into acting?” 

Dan leaned back a bit and looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Phil studied his body, looking for any signs of discomfort coming from Dan just in case he stepped over a boundary that he didn’t really mean to. 

“Well, that’s a bit of a loaded question.” Dan says, finally looking down. “Because I decided I wanted to audition for my community theatre’s play when I was quite young but I didn’t fully decide that being an actor was something I wanted to pursue until I was about 14 or 15. It kind of came with the mentality of people always telling me I was good at it and that I had the ability to act.” When he’s done, Phil looks at him and notices that Dan’s face is a bit sullen and a bit sad. But he doesn’t look hurt or upset about answering the question. “When did you decide to work for the BBC?” 

“When I realized that I had no clue where I was going in life and I felt like I needed a sense of direction.” 

That was the honest truth. Phil applied for the BBC on a whim. He had no intentions of ever getting the job nor getting near London to even take the job. But he received it and was stuck working in the BBC in an office all day with Louise, PJ, and Gemma. 

But he doesn’t hate what he does. He just hates that he lost the passion he once had to go work for an office in London.

“And the BBC gave you that?” 

Phil had half a mind to joke with Dan and tell him that he couldn’t ask more than one question but honestly, he felt like he needed to answer this one. Not only to give Dan an answer, but also give himself an answer as well. 

“No.” Phil answered truthfully. “It gave me friends and it gave me memories and it gave me money. But in the end, it also gave me a job that…” Phil let his thoughts linger off before he looked at Dan and their eyes met and he finally spoke the words he hadn’t thought he’d ever speak. “But it also gave me a job that I hate.” 

Phil doesn’t think hate is the correct term. He doesn’t hate the BBC or hate what he does. But he does hate how the BBC took up his time and his job took his time away from him to follow the true passion he used to have which is YouTube. 

“Then why do you stay?” 

“I thought this was going back and forth.” 

Phil partly teased that but he also kind of wanted to drop the subject and move onto something much more lighthearted than talking about how actually miserable he is. He didn’t realize he was even this miserable until he began talking about the BBC right then. 

Dan smiled at him. “Ask me something then.” 

“Be honest with me, okay?” Phil began and Dan nodded. “Do you wish your life wasn’t like this?” 

“Like what?” 

“Followed by paparazzi all the time? Having a house with a gate you can only get through by using an access code? Your name the source of news and headlines all over the world and fangirls crawling all over your tweets and speculating about everything you do?” 

“I hate my life, Phil.” Phil looked at Dan and saw the way his jaw wobbled as he reached up and stubbornly wiped away a tear from his cheek. “This life isn’t what you want, Phil. It’s not even what I want anymore. And If I could leave it all behind, I would.” He looked at Phil quickly before squeezing his eyes shut tightly as another tear slid down his cheek and Phil moved forward quickly to wipe it away. Dan shivered underneath his touch and opened his eyes, staring into Phil’s with a grateful look. “I want to be normal, like you. I want to work for the BBC in an office job and make YouTube videos and have friends who actually care about me. But I’ll never get any of that.” 

My life was always characterized by my name and it forever will be. For fucks sake, I have word that I might even be getting a Hollywood Star of Fame sometime next year. I have no chance for a normal life anymore. I have no chance for that. And maybe it’s a bit selfish but I want to live vicariously through you. I want to be with you when you go to the BBC and I want to be with you when you make your videos because any chance I have at a normal life, I want to grab at it and never let it go. Because my life will never go back to normal, Phil. It just can’t.” 

Phil waited until everything Dan was saying was over before he studied Dan’s face and watched as he wiped his tears away before sniffling and let out a shuttering breath. 

“I’m sorry for just unloading all of that onto you.” Dan says, letting out a small laugh. “It felt really good to actually get all of that out but I hope it doesn’t like, scare you away or anything.” 

Phil shook his head. “No, I totally get everything you’re saying.” 

Dan gives him a look of ‘you really don’t but I appreciate the sentiment’, before he lets out a long yawn and gives Phil a sympathetic look. “I’m really tired now. Do you want to get ready for bed?” 

Phil’s eyes feel a bit sore and weary so he nods. 

Dan stands up quickly and makes his way to the bathroom first, shutting the door behind him. Phil is left sitting on the bed, gathering all of his thoughts about everything Dan had just said to him. It was a lot to process and it was a bit hard for Phil to really think about at this hour and also with his mindset. 

Dan came back out a few minutes later and by that time, Phil had already settled into bed under the duvet, waiting for Dan to come back. Once under the duvet, Dan immediately rolled into Phil and Phil wrapped his around him, letting himself snuggle the younger male. 

The amount of vulnerability and openness that Dan showed Phil tonight was something he would never forget and he was convinced that it’s something that will strengthen their relationship from this point forward into the future. Dan was right after all. They really did need to get to know each other before they can move on. 

“I’m glad we had this talk.” Dan said, his voice coming out a bit muffled from talking into Phil’s chest. 

He pulled back a bit and Dan looked up at him in the pale moonlight of his room that was seeping in through the sheer curtains. “Me too.” 

Dan leaned forward and connected their lips together. Phil pushed forward, deepening the kiss as Dan rolled onto his back willingly. Phil’s been hungry for Dan’s kisses all night and having Dan kissing him again was taming the embers that were firing up inside his core.

He found himself hovering over Dan, lips detached from his lips and making small kisses down his jaw onto his neck. He found the soft flesh of Dan’s neck and nipped at it with his teeth a bit before sucking onto the sensitive skin. Dan moaned out, reaching his hand out and placing it on the back of Phil’s neck to hold him in place. 

Phil loved this. The taste of Dan’s skin on his tongue was like a delicacy that he couldn’t get enough of. He pulled back and moved a bit lower, attaching his lips to Dan’s collarbone. 

Dan squirmed under him as he whimpered and continued to whine at the sensations. Phil honestly felt a bit drunk off from the pheromones Dan was giving off to him. 

He pulled away, moving his head back so he could connect their lips once more. It was a bit sloppy and a bit messy and Phil was sure their teeth might have clashed but he didn’t care. Anything with Dan was amazing and nothing would ever destroy that mindset for him. 

Phil’s hips instinctively rolled down, looking for friction to serve as relief for the heat pooling in his lower body and his cock springing to full hardness. He could feel Dan’s under him, the hard outline of his own cock jutting into his hip. 

“Are you okay with this?” Phil asked, looking for consent given how open and vulnerable Dan was just ten or so minutes ago. 

Dan nodded quickly and practically begged. “Yes! Please keep going and don’t stop.” 

Phil nodded to Dan’s command and reached his hand between them, fishing his cock out of his pajama pants and letting it spring free between them. Dan reached between them and Phil felt his hand down the same and then Dan’s hips cantered up and suddenly, Phil’s vision went white. 

His head tipped down and found solace in the crevice between Dan’s neck and shoulder as he let of a loud moan. Dan’s hand wrapped around both of them and began to stroke as Phil’s hips rolled forward on their own accord. 

He’s never done this before. He’s never felt the sensation of his already painful erection being stroked along someone else. The feeling of it was enough to send shivers of heat down his spine as he struggled to remain in control of his movements. 

He picked his head up and looked down at Dan who was smiling lazily up at him. Phil quickly reached down and pushed Dan’s hand out of the way as he took over, stroking them to his tempo and his speed. 

It was over far quicker than he would have liked to admit, shooting white over Dan’s stomach and dribbling a bit over Dan’s cock. Dan finished not long after, quickly shoving Phil out of the way as he stroked himself to completion and then fell back into a heap on the bed. 

Dan got out of bed first to grab them something to clean up with and when he came back with a damp cloth, Phil gently used it to clean off his hand as he tucked himself back into his pajamas. 

Dan yawned on last time before he settled into bed and leaned over, kissing Phil a few more times with quick little pecks against his lips before settling down onto Phil’s chest. 

“Thank you.” Dan whispered, just as Phil felt himself drifting off to sleep. 

“What for?” 

“For making me feel like a normal person.” Dan says, his voice soft. “For actually making me feel loved and not like you’re using me to say you got to sleep with the famous Dan Howell.” 

“I’d never do that.” 

“I know.” Dan pressed. “That’s why I’m saying thank you.” 

Dan fell asleep not long after the conversation ended and Phil was left, laying back on the bed with his eyes wide open now as he processed Dan’s words. 

Thank you for actually making me feel loved. 

The mere thought of someone not doing that or showing that to Dan made him actually hurt. 

Sleep took a while to come that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> So I didn't want to post this at the beginning to like take away from the chapter lol but I wanted to just write a quick note to all of you who are reading this. I already posted this on Tumblr but I'm not sure how many people who read this follow me haha 
> 
> So if you guys didn’t already know, I’ve been writing I Want It, I Got It for the past 4 months and it has become a really major part of my life. I haven’t been able to get into writing a fic like this as far back as I can remember. A year ago, I literally couldn’t write a single thing without giving it up and moving onto the next thing. 
> 
> But I have just hit 50,000 words of I Want It, I Got It which makes it the longest fic I’ve ever written in my life. On top of it being the longest fic I’ve ever written, it is also the longest thing I’ve ever written. And it’s completely overwhelming as I look at the word count and then look at my outline and see so much I still have left to do with it. 
> 
> And really, I never would have been able to do it without the overwhelming reaction from all of you guys. Your never-ending positivity and comments fuel me to continue writing this and I’m 100% convinced that it’s why I haven’t given this up yet and now, I have the opposite problem: I can’t write another fic without going into this document and writing this one instead. 
> 
> This is totally rambly but I just want you guys to know that this is the biggest accomplishment for me and I’m slowly dying inside from knowing I have done it. I literally remember it being January and having someone tell me ‘your fic might hit 50k!’ and I literally scoffed and said I couldn’t imagine writing that much. And now, here we are, at a little over 50,000 words with so much more left. 
> 
> Thank You,  
> Alexis


	21. Chapter 21

“I leave tomorrow.”

“I know.”

They’re sat next to Dan’s pool, the sun burning down onto them. It was hotter than Phil was expecting for a mid March day but he wasn’t going to complain since London is way colder.

“I don’t want to leave.”

Dan turns on his side on the lounge chair and lets out a slow smile. “I don’t want you to go either.”

“I wish Louise gave me more time off than just a week.”

“You should just quit…” Dan says. “And then stay here with me for a while and then we can go back to London and…”

“I can’t.” Phil says. “I can’t quit the BBC.”

“Well, I know that.” Dan says. “But I wish we could spend more time together.”

“We’ll just have to make up for it today.”

Dan let out a laugh and sat up in his chair, throwing off the tank top he was wearing and letting it land on the side of his chair. “Let’s go swimming.”

Suddenly, Dan was pushing down his shorts and was stood naked on the edge of the pool. Phil sputtered but sat up slowly as Dan jumped into the pool and submerged himself before coming up to the side and pushing his water slicked curls off from his face. “You coming?”

“Like skinny dip?”

Dan nodded.

Phil stood up from the chair and slowly undressed, still feeling a bit insecure at being so out in the open. He’s never done something like this before but there was something about Dan that was made him do things he wouldn’t normally do.

He walked to the edge and slowly jumped in, feeling the cool water hit his skin. He swam his way back up to the surface and was met by Dan laughing at him.

“What type of jump was that, old man?”

“Old man?” Phil teased. “I’m not that much older than you.”

“Hmmm?” Dan said, swimming over to Phil and wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. “Maybe you’ve been lying about your age to me?”

Phil scoffed. “Maybe you have been?”

“Oh you’re right. I’m really a 53 year old undercover cop.”

Phil threw his head back and let out laugh. “I would never believe that one.”

Dan pouted. “Oh am I not manly enough to be 53 and a cop?”

“Sorry, baby, but no.”

Phil doesn’t know where the pet name came from but he watched Dan’s face for any signs of discomfort or just general dislike. But instead, Dan’s face lit up and his lips went back into the curve of a smile. “Oh, so I’m ‘baby’ now?”

“If you like it?”

Dan snorted. “It’s a tad bit cheesy but I’ll allow it.” He paused. “As long as I get to call you old man.”

Phil let out a loud laugh and pushed away from Dan to splash him.

Phil doesn’t know how long they spent in the pool but majority of their time was spent splashing each other and messing around until Dan complained that he was hungry and wanted to go get food.

They both dried off and redressed in Dan’s room before Dan called for a driver to take them downtown to this place that Dan said he was craving food from in this place called The Grove.

Phil thought that they were going to just grab food and leave like they had the other night but Dan insisted that he wanted to dine in and not take the food back to his house again.

Phil was a bit unsure of this but he went with it anyway.

Phil didn’t catch the place they walked in to but Dan just flashed him a smile before he went up to the hostess, who nearly fainted when she saw him, and requested a table for two.

They were sat down in this very private corner of the restaurant and given the menus and Phil felt a bit uneasy at how literally every face in the place was turned and staring at Dan, who was sat away from them.

“Just ignore them.” Dan mumbled, looking down at his menu. “They’re probably going to come and all ask for picture so it’s easier to ignore them right now―.”

“Dan!”

A group of teenage girls came running over to their table and stood beside it as Dan jumped and Phil just sat trying to ignore them.

“Can we get pictures with you?”

Dan let out a fake smile, Phil could tell, and then stood up slowly and took a few photos with them. He sat back down and Phil could see him pulling the hood of his sweatshirt up a bit more around his neck, almost as if to hide himself.

“Are you okay?”

Dan looked up and nodded slowly before he turned his head to look over his shoulder. “Let’s get our food to go.” Dan said softly. “Can you take my order up to the hostess?”

Dan pointed out this chicken sandwich on the menu and Phil took a mental note of it as Dan put his hood up and walked out of the restaurant. He moved slowly, picking up the menus, feeling a deep pang of sadness in his chest. Dan shouldn’t have to completely leave a restaurant because he doesn’t feel comfortable it. That’s just not how it should be.

Dan should feel free to eat wherever he wants.

Phil went up to the hostess and asked to get a couple of order to go. She took his order and then as he stood back and waited, he went on Twitter to check out what was happening since he hadn’t been on in a while and already, TMZ was hosting a Twitter moment.

DANIEL HOWELL SPOTTED WITH YOUTUBER PHIL LESTER IN THE GROVE IN LOS ANGELES OUT TO LUNCH

Phil felt like he was going to be sick. His appetite for his food was already gone and he really didn’t even want to pick up the food anymore.

His order was done soon enough and he walking out with the bag. Dan was stood off to the side, his hood up and a pair of sunglasses covering his eyes again. Phil walked over to him and Dan lowered them slowly. His eyes looked sad, and discouraged. “I just thought maybe it would be fine to go to lunch but…Twitter already has photos of us.”

“I saw.”

Dan let out a loud sigh. “I just wanted to go to lunch, Phil. But this is what I mean. I can’t go anywhere without people staring at me and taking photos of me. I can’t go anywhere without having people coming up to me. I can’t go anywhere without people sending my photos to TMZ.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dan shrugs. “There’s nothing you can do.” He says softly. “But my driver is picking us back up so let’s just go find him.”

Phil wanted to protest. He wanted to give Dan his food and then find somewhere to eat where there weren’t many people, but still out in the sun. And he wanted to watch Dan’s skin become sun kissed, glowing in the rays.

“Why don’t we go and find a secluded place to eat instead?”

Dan looked up from the ground and looked at him. “What?”

“Come on, let’s go and find a place to eat by ourselves.”

Phil went to reach for Dan’s hand but he soon realized he definitely could not take his hand in his. Phil immediately stopped the movement of his hand and put it back to his side.

“That’s not a good idea, Phil.” Dan whispered, his voice a bit on edge. “We’re still going to be spotted.”

“There isn’t much we can do though, right?” Phil pressed. “So come on, let’s go and enjoy our food like how we were going to.” He paused and bit his lip.

Phil was expecting Dan to protest harder, tell Phil that he wouldn’t do it. But instead, Dan looked around and then looked back at Phil. “I think there is a sitting area around here.”

Phil followed Dan, trying to ignore the murmurs of the people around them and the way cellphones were poised up in the air, ready to snap all of these photos. But he swallowed back the bile in his throat and followed Dan to this secluded area away from most sight and they took a seat at a vacant bench. It wasn’t the most ideal eating place, but Phil will take it.

He placed the bag between them and Dan reached into it, picking out his container first before handing Phil his. He opened it slowly and began to eat a few of the fries that came with his sandwich. Phil could see he was being cautious, and he felt even worse about it.

“Did I pressure you?”

Dan looked up from his paper box of food and stopped mid-bite. “No.” Dan said. “I honestly would have never felt okay enough to find somewhere else to go. If I was all alone, I would have just left and probably cried at my house.”

“So you’re okay with us just sitting here and eating?”

Dan nodded. “I have to slowly face all of this eventually, right? What’s a better way to do it than with you?”

The sincerity in Dan’s voice made Phil’s heart melt and he had the urge to lean in and kiss him. But they were too open, too exposed. So he just opened his box and picked up one half of his sandwich.

They ate mostly in peace and as far as Phil could tell, no one really bothered them. Dan finished his food first and waited for Phil to be done before they both got up, a bit relieved that they didn’t see or hear any more of the whispering around them.

Their driver picked them up a short time later and took them back to Dan’s house where Dan insisted they go lay by the pool for the while and Phil followed, just wanting to spend as much time with Dan as he could before he left the following morning.

***

“Marianne texted me.”

Phil looked at Dan from across the couch. Rain had begun just a short time before and as rare as it was for California, Dan and Phil did not feel like sitting outside in it.

“About?”

Dan sighed and leaned his head back against the back of his couch. “She’s not happy that we went to The Grove.”

Phil felt his nostrils flare a bit. “But you wanted to go there?”

“I know.” Dan said, his voice defeated. “But I should have also known that anytime I go there, paparazzi is going to spot me and people are going to take creep shots of me. It’s inevitable.”

“So you’re not even allowed to go anywhere without getting Marianne’s permission?” Phil found that a bit incredulous but he also wouldn’t be entirely surprised if that was the case.

“Not exactly.” Dan began to clarify. “It’s just that I was spotted with you.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

Dan let out another long sigh that was followed by a loud, frustrated groan. He reached up and pushed his curls from his forehead and rubbed his hands over his eyes before tipped his head back down and looked at Phil again.

“It shouldn’t be but it is because everyone can’t wait to find out who Daniel Howell’s new boyfriend is…just look at some of these tweets.”

Phil scooted closer to Dan on the couch and looked over his shoulder at his phone screen.

 

**@lindsey_01: ummmmm I think I just spotted Daniel Howell at the grove?**

 

**@danielstopfans: to@lindsey_01 Oh that’s definitely him!**

 

**@dansleftfoot: OMFG IS HE WITH PHIL**

 

**@dansleftfoot: GUYS OUR SHIP IS FUCKING CANON. PHAN IS CANON. HE’S WITH PHIL AT THE GROVE EATING LUNCH**

 

There were more that Dan scrolled down by but those were the ones that caught Phil’s eyes. “I just want us to have our privacy for a bit longer.”

Phil looks into Dan’s eyes and nods. “Me too.”

“Call me selfish, but I just want to have you to myself. Especially right now when I don’t even know the next time I’ll see you.”

Phil heard the little catch in Dan’s voice as he spoke and the small glimmer of tears in his eyes. He reached up and placed his hand on Dan’s chin, feeling it quiver a bit under his touch. “We’ll see each other soon.”

“Promise me.” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit.

Phil sees the beginning of a tear leak from his eyes and he reaches up, and wipes it away with his thumb. “I promise.”

Dan leaned forward and pressed their lips together, locking them in place with such practiced ease. Phil had said it so many times before to himself but he’d never get sick of this, of feeling Dan’s lips against his own.

Dan pulled back, breaking the kiss and as Phil leaned forward to reconnect their lips with an urgency, Dan stopped him and ghosted their lips together, barely touching. “Can I ask something?” Dan whispered.

“Of course.”

“Will you make love to me?”

Phil felt his breath hitch. He opened his eyes, not even realizing they were still closed and looked back into Dan’s, brown meeting blue.

He nodded and Dan’s arms came up and wrapped around Phil’s neck as their lips pressed together again, more heat behind them. Phil found himself standing up with Dan still attached to him.

They managed to walk to the staircase and up the stairs before they ended up in Dan’s room. Dan shut the door behind them with his foot as Phil worked his mouth down Dan’s neck, kissing and sucking onto the delicate skin like he knew Dan liked.

Dan backed him up to his bed and the backs of his knees hit the soft fabric behind them. He fell backwards and Dan crawled over him, straddling his hips.

Phil pushed his hands down, caressing the soft sides of Dan’s body as he found his way underneath Dan’s shirt and pushed up. Dan continued to connect their lips in heated kisses as Phil yanked at the hem of his shirt. Dan pulled away long enough for Phil to throw his shirt off to the side before reaching down between them and yanking his own off as well.

Dan sat back on Phil’s hips and Phil could have sworn that he’s never seen something as beautiful as Dan sitting there, his skin flushed and his lips red. He reached up, running his hands down Dan’s sides as Dan shivered and his hips jutted forward.

As their hips connected, Phil let out a groan and Dan threw his head back with a whimper. He was already hard, his cock needing some sort of pressure and touch. “Fuck.” Dan whimpered, tipping his head back down. “Fuck, can you move up to the headboard? I want to suck you off.”

Phil nodded quickly and Dan climbed off from his lap. As Phil shuffled back on the bed, he removed his pants and threw his bottoms off to the side, his cock jutting out and landing against his stomach.

He looked up and saw Dan, stood on the side of the bed, digging through his nightstand as he pulled out a condom and a small bottle of lube, tossing it on the bed.

Phil watched Dan undress the rest of the way and then climb back onto the bed, moving between Phil’s legs and pressing them apart.

“I love your cock.” Dan says and Phil feel his cheeks flush. “I’ve honestly never said that but like, I literally cannot get over it.” Dan chuckles to himself. “It’s going to feel so amazing inside of me.”

He took the head of Phil’s cock into his mouth and Phil threw his head back, seeing stars. It was just as amazing as the first time Dan did this. Dan was just so good at it and there was just no way he would ever get over it.

Phil watched Dan slowly sink down and when he felt the head of his cock hit the back of Dan’s throat, his eyes rolled back and he groaned. No one had ever taken him this deep before.

 

His stomach coiled from the pleasure and he felt the heat begin to rise. He didn’t know what it was but there was something about Dan that was making him turn into his teenage self who couldn’t last at all.

Dan came back up and pulled off, sucking in a breath as he stroked Phil, his hand moving fluidly over him. “I’m not going to last if you keep doing that.”

“You can come if you need to.”

“No.” Phil shakes his head. “Because if I do, it’s over.”

“Forgot that you’re an old man.” Dan said with a laugh as he leaned back down and licked a stripe up Phil’s length that left Phil grabbing the sheets next to him and curling his toes.

Dan sat back and rolled onto his back next to Phil, reaching over and grabbing the lube and condom from the side of the bed. “Do you want to stretch me or would you rather have me do it?”

Phil looked down at Dan and moved to hover of him. He reached down and placed his hand on Dan’s thigh and gently stroked. “I’d love to do it.”

“Mmm your fingers are going to feel so good.”

Phil sat back and grabbed the lube from Dan and opened the bottle, squeezing a little bit onto his fingers to warm it up.

“Go slow.” Dan suddenly said, reaching up and putting his hand flat against Phil’s shoulder. “It’s…it's been a lot longer than I care to admit.”

Phil hesitated. “A long time since you’ve bottomed or since you’ve been with someone? Because I can bottom…”

Dan shook his head. “I just haven’t had sex with someone in a long time. I actually prefer to bottom but I’m down to switch if you ever want to.”

Phil nodded. “I just want to be sure.”

Dan smiled at him. “I’m sure.”

Phil leant down and pressed a soft kiss to Dan’s lips, much less heated than before. His hand slowly wandered further and further down until he pressed his fingertips against Dan’s rim and Dan let out a slight hiss.

Phil pulled back and Dan nodded as Phil slipped in the first finger. Dan was really tight. But he wasn’t tense. Phil slowly moved his finger in and out and felt Dan loosen around him and relax.

Before long, he was given the go ahead to push in a second finger so he did and Dan whimpered and groaned at the new stretch.

Phil loved this. He loved looking and Dan and seeing him come apart on his fingers. He just felt so amazing and the way his soft walls hugged his fingers made his cock twitch at the thought of being buried inside of there.

Dan soon grew impatient and Phil pulled his fingers out as gently as he could while stroking Dan’s cock slowly with his opposite hand. Phil sat back on his heels and reached for the condom, ripping it open with his teeth and wincing at the sharp taste that came from it.

He could hear Dan laugh a bit at his expression but he just pulled out the latex and rolled it down his cock before grabbing the lube and coating himself. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss against Dan’s neck before he lined himself up and pushed in slowly.

Dan’s hands came up and gripped at Phil’s shoulders and Phil buried his head in Dan’s neck. Fuck. He’d never felt something so soft but tight and just wonderful in his entire life.

He knew he wasn’t going to last. There was no way. Dan’s walls were hugging him so snug and tight.

He bottomed out and Dan’s nails dug into his skin, giving him a delicious burn. He leaned up onto his hands and looked down at Dan’s face, seeing his eyes scrunched up in bliss and his mouth opened a bit.

Phil leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and when he looked down, Dan was looking up at him. “You can move.” He whispered.

And Phil did.

He pulled his hips back and pushed them forward and Dan moaned under him, his back arching under them. Phil tried not to go too fast, but his hips worked all on their own and he felt out of control.

His hand came down and held Dan’s leg behind the knee, pressing forward and feeling himself go deeper inside of Dan. And just as he was getting adjusted to the feeling of being so deep inside of him, Dan let out a loud moan of Phil’s name and Phil knew he had hit that special spot for Dan.

“Fuck!” Dan yelled out, his voice high and tight. “Don’t stop. Please.”

“I won’t.”

Phil kept thrusting in the same angle to keep hitting Dan’s prostate over and over again. And soon Dan was begging for Phil to touch him so Phil let go of Dan’s leg and reached between them, taking his cock into his hand. All it took was a few strokes before Dan was coming white over his stomach.

Phil followed suit, finishing in the condom as he thrusted deep one last time.

His head came to rest again in the junction of Dan’s neck and shoulder. His breathing was heavy and he found himself not being able to catch his breath but in the best way possible.

He could feel Dan’s hands working gently over his back, gently massaging him. When he finally felt the energy begin to come back into his body, he slowly sat up and reached between them, pulling himself out of Dan as gently as possible. Dan might a slight whimper but there was no pain evident on his face.

Phil tied the condom and then looked over the side of the bed for the waste bin and tossed it down in there. When he settled back, Dan immediately crawled to him and wiped them both down with a few tissues from his nightstand. Phil grimaced at how sticky everything was but the urge to fall asleep and take a brief nap was just a bit more enticing than to worry about taking a shower.

When that was done, Dan threw the tissues away and rolled back to Phil, resting his head on Phil’s chest as he wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist and snuggled as close as possible to him.

“Tell me if I get to clingy.” Dan says, his voice slightly muffled. “I like to cuddle after sex.”

“I don’t mind.”

Phil looked down at the snuggled up Dan beside him and bent down meeting his lips again in a soft kiss. Phil pecked Dan’s lips a few times before settling down again, holding the younger male at his side.

Just as Phil felt his eyes shut and his body protest louder about needing some sleep, Dan shifted a bit and then rested his chin against Phil’s pec, looking up at him to meet his eyes.

“That was amazing.” Dan said, his hand running up Phil’s side and leaving tingles in its wake.

“I’m glad it was good for you too because that was honestly the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Me too.” Dan says with a smile before pressing a light kiss to Phil’s skin. “Can I tell you something?”

Phil watched Dan’s eyes for the signs of anything being wrong but nothing appeared to be the matter. “Of course.”

“I think I love you.”


	22. Chapter 22

Phil didn’t know what sadness truly was until he was walking through London Heathrow airport with his tail between his legs and his bag on his shoulders, dried tears on his cheeks.

It had been the saddest goodbye he’d ever had to give someone and frankly, he used to say that was definitely when he had left his parent’s home to go to Uni in Manchester.

But he’s hurting and he feels like he left a bit of his heart in Los Angeles with Dan. And as he steps foot into his flat, jet lag kicking his ass, he cries harder than he allowed himself to in LAX after leaving Dan behind.

He feels a bit ashamed about it. He feels like he shouldn’t be crying over leaving Dan in Los Angeles because Dan found out the night before he’ll be in London in a few weeks time for a movie premiere. But as Phil thinks about the way Dan cried at the airport as he said one last goodbye in the car outside, he cries that much harder.

He’s supposed to go pick up Spike from PJ but he feels lousy and like he needs a day to recuperate. But he also knows that PJ is going to want to hear about Dan and LA and he’s not quite sure if he wants to speak about that yet.

When the last of his tears stop and he texts Dan to tell him he made it back okay, he takes a cool shower to wash off the stench of airplane and then gets dressed and heads out to the nearest tube station to go to PJ’s.

PJ answers the door when he gets there and Spike is immediately attacking Phil’s legs, trying to get his attention. Phil didn’t realize how much he missed his energetic pup until he was picking him up and cuddling him against his chest as he squirmed.

“How was he?” Phil asked, running his hand through Spike’s fur.

“He was great!” PJ said, opening the door wider so Phil could walk inside of his flat. “Only destroyed one slipper but I got it from Poundland so no harm done.”

Phil let out a snort and let his pup back down on the floor so he could continue to sniff and run around Phil’s legs.

“Do you want any food or a drink?” PJ asks, moving quickly towards the kitchen. “No offense mate but you look a bit sickly.”

Phil shook his head and followed PJ to the counter where he sat on one of the stools. PJ passed him a glass of water and Phil picked it up, taking a long sip of it, not realizing how dehydrated he felt. “I’m pretty jet lagged if I’m being honest.” Phil answers finally. “These time zones are kicking my ass.”

“How was Dan?” PJ asks, seemingly out of the blue. Phil doesn’t know why it catches him off guard but it does.

“He’s fine.” Phil says. “I mean, he had a few things he had to go to that I went with him to but other than that, we mostly just stayed in.”

“Any saucy details?”

Phil looks up from his glass of water and sees the way PJ is smirking at him. Phil feels his face flush as he thinks about the night before―was it the night before? Time zones are confusing…where he and Dan shared such intimate moments together. His stomach tingled at the thought of having sex with Dan and how glorious it had felt. And they had sex twice. The first time and then another time later that night before they went to sleep. Phil was honestly never forget the sight of Dan coming undone above him as he rode him so well.

“I’m not getting into them.”

“No?” PJ picks. “Didn’t go dancing in the sheets?”

Phil blushed and hid his face as he laughed nervously. “Peej!” He cried. “I’m not talking about my sex life.”

“Oh!” PJ exclaimed, poking a finger into Phil’s arm. “So there IS a sex life to be spoken about! How was it? Did you both…rock each others worlds?”

Phil groaned and put his hands back down as he cocked his eyebrow at PJ and shook his head. “I’m not saying.”

“But you’re blushing!”

“Maybe so.”

PJ gave him an all knowing smile and then rested against the counter on his elbows. “I talked with Louise a bit and she was saying how she has some new projects for us to work on when you return back to work.”

“Like what?”

PJ swatted his hand in the air. “I don’t know…probably some bloody useless thing that Louise is too lazy to do herself.”

Phil groaned again. He wasn’t fully in the mood to go back to work and he wasn’t fully in the mood to deal with anything Louise was going to throw his way. Especially when he’s been struggling a bit with thinking about the BBC in context with his future ever since he had that conversation with Dan. In fact, it’s been gnawing at him a bit.

“I really am not ready to go back.”

“When is your first day?”

“Tomorrow.” Phil answers. “Louise only gave me a week, including traveling. I didn’t get a lot of time.”

“That sucks mate.” PJ says. “Suppose I shouldn’t keep you then so you can go back to your flat and relax for the evening.”

Phil nodded, standing up and pulling down his sweatshirt that had come as he sat. He bent down and picked up Spike in his arms before walking with PJ to grab Spike’s things and put the backpack onto his back.

Phil took the tube back to his flat and as soon as he walked inside and let Spike go, he clambered over to his couch and laid down, shutting his eyes and falling nearly immediately to sleep.

***

Jet lag fucked Phil over.

It fucked Phil over because it was currently 3am and he was sitting wide awake with a mug of coffee in his hand as he scrolled through his social media on his laptop. He’d taken about a six hour snooze that afternoon and was paying the price now as he struggled to fall back asleep. He pretty much gave up a half an hour ago and resided to just staying up.

He’d tried texting Dan but he knew he wasn’t going to answer because Dan was currently flying out to New York for the next few days to film one final scene for his movie before it goes into post-production.

So Dan was honestly probably on a plane somewhere else and he wouldn’t get to talk to him until tomorrow.

Fuck, he missed Dan so damn much.

His eyes well up a bit again and he wills for himself to not cry. He’s done enough of that. He’ll be seeing Dan soon. He has to keep reminding himself of that. Dan will be back in London in just a few weeks and they’ll be here, in Phil’s flat. It’ll be okay.

He sets down his mug of coffee on his night stand and lays back down in his bed, shutting his laptop screen. He closes his eyes and tries to get himself to maybe get a few more hours.

They don’t ever come before his alarm goes off at seven but he still wished he could have.

He dresses and leaves his flat, giving Spike plenty of hugs and kisses and belly rubs on the way out to make up for not being around much. He manages to get himself onto the tube and then get to the BBC without anything major happening.

He gets let into the building and then on the way up to his office, he finds himself the be the product of stares and even a few glares. He shakes them off and tries to ignore them as he makes his way to his office.

Phil takes a seat and digs out his laptop and his little keychain that he bought for Darcy and sets them on his desk. When he looks back up, PJ is looking at him with an intense stare that doesn’t quite compute with the same warm greeting he had gotten yesterday at PJ’s flat.

To say he’s confused is an understatement.

“Why is everyone staring at me today?” Phil finds himself grumbling. “I don’t understand.”

“Have you not seen literally all of the stories on social media?” PJ asks, his voice a bit higher in octave.

Phil shakes his head. He honestly hasn’t posted much on social media, nor has he been on it. The last he posted was to say he was posting a new video this week.

“Mate, your pictures with Dan are literally slapped all over Twitter. Even the tabloids that are hitting the shelves have you as their cover photo.”

“Excuse me?” Phil asks, feeling his stomach twist and knot within him.

He immediately pries open the top of his laptop and opens up Safari. He googles Dan’s name and immediately is bombarded with 50+ search results for stories all about him and Dan’s day out in LA…one of the tabloids even got a photo of them eating alone, in private.

“You look pretty cosy with Dan.” PJ says.

“What about it?” Phil asks, feeling his voice rise a bit in tension.

“Nothing, really but are you and Dan dating?”

Phil felt his skin heat up and his face flush a bit in a mix of anger and also anxiety. “Yes.” He says, his voice wavering a bit. “Dan’s my boyfriend.”

“Is this just recently or…?”

“PJ, you know this this. Dan and I just got together when I was in LA.” Phil says, his voice laced with some disbelief. He didn’t even know where this was coming from. “These pictures, PJ, were taken without Dan and I’s permission. They were taken by some low-life paparazzi’s who want to sell their photos of famous people to tabloids to make money.”

Pj threw his hands up and sat back in his chair. “I don’t want you to get angry.” PJ began. “I just simply wanted to know―friend to friend.”

Phil felt his blood cool down a bit as he relaxed back into his own seat and let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry, PJ. That wasn’t fair to snap at you…it’s just, now that I’m beginning to see what Dan goes through each day, it’s hard to not get defensive when something like this happens.”

“I know.” PJ says. “I also didn’t mean to suddenly get defensive either. I know it’s not my place to know about you and Dan. I honestly just think I’m still a bit shocked at the entire thing if I’m being honest.”

Phil let out an incredulous laugh. “It is all a bit mental when you think about it. Like who have thought last year at this time that looking forward, I’d be dating the world famous Daniel Howell.”

“It’s right crazy.” PJ says. “But, as long as you’re happy, I’ll be happy.”

“I’m happy, Peej.” Phil adds. “Dan has to come to London in a few weeks for a premiere that he needs to attend. Maybe we can arrange a time for you to come over to my flat and properly meet him? I think you’ll really get along well with him.”

PJ smiles at him and nods. “I’m sure Sophie will be excited for that.”

Phil forgot how much Sophie fangirled over Dan.

Just as he opens his mouth to speak something more about it, the door to Louise’s office opens and Phil looks up just in time to see her poke her blonde hair outside of the frame. “Ligouri and Lester, come to my office so we can discuss your next projects!”

Phil gives a glance to PJ who gives one back and Phil stands up, picking up his laptop and the key chain before he follows PJ to Louise office and they shut the door behind them.

***

“New York is cool and all but it’s cold and a bit damp and I really want to be back in the sun.”

Phil chuckles as he reads Dan’s text out loud to himself.

 **Phil:** You’ll never make it in London

Phil types back his message and then locks his phone and sets it beside him on the couch. Spike was at his feet, gnawing on a play bone that Phil had gotten him in consolation of leaving him for so long. Phil was supposed to be working on his new project that Louise had given him and PJ. But he honestly felt like he couldn’t be bothered and he didn’t know whether or not that a good thing at the moment.

He was busy working on editing his video when his mum called and asked about LA so he told her all about it. And then his brother called right after and he got sidetracked when Dan texted just now.

He had promised his subscribers that he would get out a new video this week with someone special and they already figured out it was Dan and now they’re even more excited for the video. So the pressure on him right now was pretty great.

But he honestly forgets all of that when Dan texts him and it’s like he placed back into an alternate reality.

 **Dan:** guess well just have to live in LA then :(

 **Dan:** you’re also forgetting that i used to live in wokingham lol

 **Dan:** i just like the sun of LA

Phil’s heart picked up speed. Did Dan just reference them living together? He felt a bit foolish, getting his hopes up so high when they’ve barely been together. He already can feel that Dan is his person but that still doesn’t help the anxieties that plague his mind.

 **Phil:** Don’t want to move to London and live with the queen?

 **Dan:** Move to LA and you’ll be with trump?

 **Dan:** fuck nevermind lol ill move to London

Phil lets out a snort and rolls onto his side on the couch, Spike’s head picking up a bit as he looked at Phil to see what he was doing. He did feel a bit restless. The jet lag was still sitting heavy behind his eyes. Maybe he’d take Spike to the park.

Phil looked down at his pup, who was now rolled onto his back. He bent forward and rubbed Spike’s belly, causing Spike to jerk and look at him. “Want to go to park?”

Spike immediately rolled over and stood up, prancing. Phil chuckled and got up, pushing his phone in his pocket long enough to walk to the closet and grab Spike’s lead.

He bent down and hooked it on him before grabbing the necessary items like a doggy bag and stuffing them into his pocket. He walked out the door with Spike practically dragging him and headed down the street to the park.

He continued to text Dan the entire way, only stopping when Spike nearly pulled him into a light pole. When they got to the park, Phil found an empty bench near an open area of grass, currently unoccupied and let Spike off from his lead to run around a bit. Spike never went far, and if he did, a simple call of his name always brought him back to Phil.

Phil watched his carefully and eyed the people around him. He didn’t know why, but he had an uneasy feeling creeping under his skin. He couldn’t quite place in his mind where it was coming from, but the instinct to look behind him overcame his thoughts and he turned his head, only to see no one even around him besides a young couple and their child, walking down the dirt path.

He let himself relax as he enjoyed the slight breeze in the air as Spike eventually ran his energy out and he was back at Phil’s feet, huffing and puffing and whining for a treat. Phil reached in his pocket and pulled one out, sneaking it to Spike. “You’re a good boy, but I need to stop giving you so many treats.”

He ruffled Spike’s fur a bit before re-hooking his lead and getting up from the bench. They walked towards the exit of the park and Phil was just deciding he might take Spike to the new pet-friendly cafe just a few blocks away when he heard it.

The click.

He thought he was imagining it at first, his anxiety getting the better of him. But then there was another…and another…and suddenly, he turned around and there was something with a camera, crouched down at the ground, taking photos of him.

Phil panicked. What does he do? Does he say something? This has to be just a paparazzi?

“Phil Lester!” The man called out, lowering his camera. “Do you mind telling me where Daniel Howell is?”

Phil quickly shook his head. “No. I―.”

“Are you and Daniel Howell dating?”

Phil bent down, picked up Spike in his arms, and ran. He doesn’t know how far he ran or where he even went, he just did. And he eventually landed way farther than he had intended with his flat on the complete other side of the park.

He let down Spike, but not before taking a few deep breaths into his fur to calm him down. He still doesn’t know what that was. He doesn’t even know what to do. He feels his chest tighten and he wills himself to stay clam.

It was just paparazzi. It was just paparazzi.

He finds himself reaching into his pocket and calling his mum as he takes Spike’s lead in his hand and starts walking him in the correct direction.

“Child!” His mum said. “What’s going on?”

“Mum, a paparazzi just took photos of me and Spike at the park and he started asking me questions and I didn’t know what I could do so I ran and I don’t even quite know where I am all that I know is…”

“Phil, honey, calm down. Please take a breath!” His mum soothed. “What was the paparazzi asking?”

“They were asking about me and Dan.”

“And did you say anything?”

Phil shook his head. “No. I panicked and I just said no to their first question and ran off.”

“I told you we should look into getting someone, Phil. Someone who can help you out.”

“Mum,” Phil finds himself saying. “I don’t think getting someone like that is going to help. I’m not even sure what that was that just happened.”

“It was a paparazzi trying to get into yours and Dan’s business, sweetheart.”

Phil felt his heart de-flat because he knew that. He wasn’t stupid. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t bother him or it shouldn’t bother him.

“But what do I do?”

His mum sighed on the other end. “Sweetie, I’m not sure I have the answer for that question.” She said gently. “Why don’t you talk with Dan about it?”

Phil sighed. “I don’t know if Dan is who I should be talking to about this.”

“Well, it’s his lifestyle that you’re getting mixed up in, Philip.”

Phil bit his lip. He didn’t want to get into this right now. He called for advice and a little bit of coddling and he wasn’t ready to get a full conversation handed to him about “Dan’s life”.

“I don’t want to get into this right now.”

“I know, but I don’t want you hurt, Phil. I really don’t.”

“I know, mum.”

He finds himself already at the door of his flat and he sighs in relief as he fishes his keys out of his pocket and pushes himself inside.

He let’s Spike in the flat first and let’s the little pup fly through the flat towards his food and water dishes in the kitchen. He says a quick goodbye to his mum with a promise to call her later and then feels himself fall onto the couch.

Maybe watching some TV for a little bit will help him out?

He reaches for the remote to this TV, which he doesn’t use that often, and turns it on, flipping through the channels. He’s about ready to press the Netflix button on his remote when a finds himself on some entertainment news station that he’s never paid any attention to before.

But his mouth drops open and he feels like he’s going to vomit as he watches him and Dan walking together in The Grove on his very screen in front of him. It was when they were walking from the restaurant to the little place where they ate their food. And as if Phil couldn’t feel sick enough, the headline on the bottom read:

“Daniel Howell SPOTTED with His New Beau in Los Angeles!”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter to make up for not posting sunday :)

“I don’t know if I can do this.” 

Phil rubs the inside of his eyes with his fingers and lets out a long, drawn out sigh. 

“It’ll be okay, Phil.” Dan says, his voice gentle on the other end of the line. “I’ve talked with Marianne and she’s working on getting all stories surrounding us pulled from news sites and TV news. I also am working closely with my publicist who is telling me that you shouldn’t post our videos we filmed together on YouTube right now until this all moves on.” 

Phil groans and rubs his hand over his face, tugging at the skin. “Is this going to be a mess?” 

Dan sighs, his voice crackling a bit through the receiver. “Probably a bit but…we’ll get it sorted.” 

“I hope so.” 

“I know that it’s hard right now but just…please don’t go on social media. My publicist wants me to issue a statement so I’m going to but I won’t say anything about us. I promise.” 

Phil’s heart picks up its beating and he feels like he’s going to sick all over the floor. Spike takes note of his sudden tension and climbs onto the couch, fitting into his lap and curling into a ball on his thighs. He reaches down and runs his fingers through his fur, comforting himself. 

“What are you going to say?” Phil asks, feeling his voice crack a bit. 

“I’m just going to ask for privacy and I’m going to ask for the media to basically stop.” 

“Is that going to work?” Phil asks. He can’t help but have doubts. 

“Hopefully.” Dan says. “I know what you feel though…I’m pretty upset by all of this too.” 

“We should have expected it.” Phil says and he’s not sure who he’s even saying it to: Dan or himself. 

“Of course but that doesn’t make it easier.” 

“I know.” 

Dan sighs. “I’m gonna be honest, Phil. I’m not sure what to do.” 

“Me either.” 

“I’ve spoken to every possible person on my side and the only thing we can do at this point is release some statements or try and keep quiet.” 

“I know.” 

“Fuck.” Dan exclaimed, followed by the sound of something heavy falling in the background. “Oh my god!” 

“Dan?” Phil asked, his voice suddenly rising. Spike whimpered on his lap and he ran his hands through his fur to calm him down. “What’s going on?” 

“This is actually unbelievable!” 

“What is?” 

“Phil, I just got word that I’ve been casted as Christopher Robin in a new live-action adaptation of Winnie the Pooh!” 

Phil felt his stomach fall to the ground. He doesn’t know why, but the news of that causes his stomach to knot even more. “That’s amazing!” 

“Phil, I literally―Oh my fucking god, this could not have come at a better timing! I needed something like this today. You have no idea. I auditioned for this role like four months ago and they gave me a call back and I went and I thought I totally fucked my chances but oh my God.” 

“I’m really glad that everything worked out.” Phil says. “I hope it all works out for us too…” 

“We’ll figure this out, Phil.” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit over the speaker. “Together.” 

“Promise?” 

“Promise.” 

“I’m going to draft my statement and then have it be approved by Marianne. I’ll text you when I’m about to post it but if I were you, I’d delete social media for the foreseeable future.” 

Phil nodded his head. 

He said his goodbye’s to Dan not long after. Dan was coming to London soon anyway and hopefully when they’re together, they can get this figured out a bit more than it is right now. Because right now, Phil is feeling like this is going to be a disaster in waiting. 

He’d spoken to his mum about it some more but it didn’t end up helping in the long run when his mum just kept telling him they should hire him someone who can help. Phil didn’t want that. He just wanted the drama to be fixed. He wanted to be left alone but right now, he can’t even go to the park without being noticed. 

In his wildest dreams, he has thought about living a life like this. But for Phil, this life was because he was a famous YouTuber, not a famous movie star. However, after being around Dan for as long as he has, he’s realized pretty quickly he doesn’t want this. 

Phil doesn’t turn the TV back on that night, nor does he even pick up his laptop. He’s running behind on his assignments for the BBC and it’s quite sad for him to feel like he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t care if his assignments are late. He doesn’t care he if even finishes them at all. 

He just wants to be left alone. 

Sometime that night, his doorbell goes off. It scares him half to death but he climbs up from the couch and makes his way over, peering out the peephole. His brother is stood on the other side, holding a large pizza box in his hand. 

Phil opens the door slowly and steps aside so Martyn can come in. “Mum rung me like an other ago. She wanted me to make sure you’re okay so I brought some pizza from Dominos since I know you like to eat that when you’re stressed.” 

Phil feels his lips curl into a smile. “What kind did you get?” 

“Well,” Martyn says, walking past Phil to set the pizza down on his breakfast bar. “Dominos got rid of the sizzler so I ended up just getting pepperoni.” 

Phil opens the box and is immediately salivating over the smell of greasy pizza and plastic cheese. He didn’t even realize he hadn’t ate the entire day until he was suddenly reaching for a slice and nearly inhaling it down in the process. 

“So tell me what’s going on.” Martyn says. “Brother to brother. Friend to friend.” 

“Dan and I officially began our relationship when I was in the US.” Phil says. 

“Oh, that’s brilliant!” 

“Well, yeah, but it’s also not.” Phil says. “Because paparazzi are following us everywhere and we literally cannot go anywhere without be ambushed. Just this afternoon, I was met with a pap in the park with Spike, taking photos of me and yelling after me to tell him about Dan.” 

“What did you say?” Martyn asked, taking a bite of his slice. 

“I didn’t say anything to them.” Phil says. “I just ran off.” 

“Did you tell Dan about it?” Martyn presses. “Mum said she told you to contact him.” 

“I talked to him this afternoon.” 

“And what did Dan say about it?” 

“He’s working with his own team to clear everything up.” Phil says. “But it doesn’t matter because nothing will change.” 

“But isn’t that what you signed up for when you began to pursue Dan?” Martyn pressed. 

“Don’t start acting like mum.” 

“I’m not meaning to.” Martyn paused and Phil looked at his brother. “I just mean that you clearly decided that you wanted to be Dan so isn’t it not all that shocking that all of this is happening? Like, Dan’s name has been the source of headlines all over the world for the past three years.” 

“I know.” Phil says. He set’s down his pizza slice onto his plate and pushes it aside. He doesn’t feel hungry anymore, just sick and a bit greasy. “But Dan isn’t like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“He’s not that typical celebrity figure that everyone thinks he is. He hates being in the tabloids and he actively hides to try and get away. You should have seen how much he panicked even going out to get food. He normally gets his manager to pick him up something instead and bring it to his house. He also wears sunglasses and hoodies in public to try and hide but they always notice him. We went into a restaurant for a few moments and every person was staring at him. It made him so uncomfortable that he left and told me to order his food for him.” Phil feels winded when he’s done speaking. “Do you know what any of what I said means?” 

Martyn nods, but doesn’t say anything right away. 

Phil picks up his slice of pizza and takes another bite, willing himself to keep it down despite his body protesting a bit. Martyn continues to eat in silence as well and the tension in the air is pulled tight like a rubber band about to snap. Spike comes over sometime in the middle of this silence and Phil bends down and hands him a tiny bite of the pizza. 

“You’re really smitten with Dan, aren’t you?” 

Phil looks up at Martyn. “What do you mean?” 

“You seem to know so much about him and care about him more than you’ve cared about anyone else in a while. You’re quick to defend him and to state his story. You’re really gone for him.” 

Phil blushes because everything that Martyn says in true. “I know I am.” 

“Are we going to have a new Lester in the family one day?” 

Phil shrugs and refuses to answer. Martyn lets out a laugh and Phil chuckles as well. The tension in his stomach unknots and he feels a lot better now about everything. He finishes off two more slices of pizza and then he and Martyn watch some anime on his TV. 

***

 **Dan:** I posted the statement

 **Dan:** Marianne checked to make sure I didn’t have any typos 

Phil wakes up to those messages on his phone screen. It takes him a moment to adjust to being awake, grabbing his glasses in the meantime. He puts them on and reads the screen again and feels his heart pick up pace a little bit. 

He sees that Dan sent him a screenshot of his tweet with the statement and he looks it over, reading it carefully. 

“I don’t say this enough but I wanted to make it clear that I would like for my private life to remain private. It is hard to maintain a balance between being in public and also being in my private time. I ask that my privacy be respected in these times and I ask that news stations consult with me before running anything about me or the people I’m associated with. If my private life continues to be a source of news for many people, I will consider taking legal action. Thank you, Daniel” 

Phil doesn’t know what to think reading it over. Should he have a reaction? 

Phil throws his phone to the side. 

He gets up slowly and let’s Spike out for a bathroom break before he takes a shower and get’s ready for work. 

At the BBC, he keeps to himself the entire day. He doesn’t speak even with PJ. He finds it easier to just work on what he needs to and then leave at the time he’s supposed to. 

When he leaves the BBC after work is over, he’s met with paparazzi outside the building. Phil should have known that would happen. He keeps his head low and he fights his way through them until he reaches the other side and makes a beeline for his tube station. 

He stops and picks up food at the Sainsbury’s across the street from his flat and when he gets back to his flat, he lays down on his couch with Spike and cuddles him. His phone has a few messages on it from PJ, his mum, and a few from Dan. But he can’t bring himself up to actually answering any of them. He finds himself in a funk of not wanting to go through all of this. 

Phil opens his laptop up a few hours later. On his screen is a little window saying that his video was done exporting―the assumptions video that he filmed with Dan in LA. Dan told him that his publicist told him not to post the video, but something inside of himself tells him to post it anyway. 

Beside him, his phone begins to vibrate for a phone call and he looks down and sees Dan’s photo pop up the screen. It’s a photo Phil took of Dan in LA, when they were lying in bed one night. He looked so angelic, so peaceful. But yet, the smile on his voice showed happiness like Phil has never seen before. 

He picks up his phone and answers it, putting it on speaker. 

“You haven’t answered me all day,” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit. “Are you okay?” 

Phil pinches the bridge of his nose. “Going to be honest, not really.” 

“I kind of figured,” Dan says. “I’m not either.” Dan pauses and silence fills the room once again. “I just wanted us to be able to have a normal relationship, ya know? Going on dates, having cute little adventures.” 

“We still can.” Phil says, feeling his voice waver and his eyes water. “I want to have all of that with you.” 

“Let’s run away together.” Dan says, his voice light. “Let’s just go off the radar and live together on some remote island.” 

“Honestly, do not tempt me.” 

“We could live in a little beach cottage with Spike and we could grow our own food and live off the land.” Dan continues. “Just you and me, forever.” 

“I love the sound of that.” Phil says, shutting his laptop and turning onto his side.

“Of what?” 

“Just you and me forever.” 

He can almost hear Dan’s smile through the speaker. “One day it will be.” Dan says. “But for right now. We just have to make it past all of this. We just have to keep fighting the tabloids and the paparazzi. You and I can do it. We’ll get past all of this.” 

“I know we will.” 

“Remember what we promised each other when we were in LA?” Dan asks, his voice having gone soft. “We promised that we’d never give up on each other.” 

“I still promise that.” 

“Me too.” Dan agrees. “Which is why I just wanted to remind you that we can do it. We can overcome all of this together.”

“I can’t wait to have you here with me again.” Phil says. “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and never let you go.” 

“Just two more weeks. Two more weeks and I’ll be here for a film premiere.” 

“I can’t wait that long.” 

“Me either, but we have to.” Dan says, a chuckle ending his words. “I also can’t wait to see Spike.” 

At the mentions of his name, Spike’s head perks up and he lets out a surprised yelp. Phil chuckles and Dan does too. 

They talk for the rest of the night, just him and Dan. They talk about the future, and how they both want to eventually live somewhere secluded in a house with a fence around it. Dan wanted a dog for Spike to play with and they somehow came to the agreement about a Shiba Inu. Before the night was over, they were discussing kids. And although that thought would always scare Phil before, talking with Dan about how many kids they both wanted with oddly comforting. 

When Dan hung up because he needed to get ready for a party, Phil was nearly falling asleep. But he wouldn’t have had his evening any other way. He just has to make it these two more weeks and hopefully everything can get figured out. 


	24. Chapter 24

Dan arrives to London just as everything is beginning to settle around them. Phil has never felt so grateful to have everything put behind him so he was able to move on and begin to live his normal life again. He never thought he would ever miss his average life of going to work, coming home to Spike, finishing his assignments, and posting YouTube videos.

He’s already posted two of them, not the ones he promised before. But he filmed two news ones and posted them. They didn’t get as popular as his video with Dan, but looking at his twitter and his subscriber count said otherwise as he already has passed 2 million subscribers.

He feels a bit more overwhelmed now. A bit more cautious about how he shows himself to everyone. Phil feels the need to cover himself when he goes on the Tube or order out food to his flat instead of go and get it. He’s even began asking PJ and Sophie and Martyn to come to his flat instead of him going to theirs.

But hopefully now, with Dan here, everything will feel a bit more settled once again like it had in LA.

Dan arrived really late in the night and he took a personal driver to Phil’s flat. When they were sure no one was looking at them or for them, Dan jumped out the car and ran inside Phil’s flat with his face covered. His driver brought his luggage to the door and Phil brought them inside.

Now, just a few hours later, Dan was curled up on his bed, sleeping in the clothes he came here in. Phil was rolled on his side and smiling at him. Even though he knew Dan was stressed, he made it pretty clear when he fell onto his bed just soon as he arrived and asked for Spike to cuddle, in his sleeping form, he looked peaceful once again.

Spike was currently the warm body laying between them, causing Phil to not actually cuddle Dan like he intended. Spike didn’t seem to keen on moving either. When Phil tried to nudge him down the bed a bit, Spike just growled and refused to move so Phil left him.

It was nearly 4am and Phil could feel his eyelids beginning to droop a bit. He knew he had work in the morning but that didn’t matter anymore because ehe knew when he got back, he’d have Dan waiting for him. His premiere is this weekend and he needs to go a few fittings for his tux before then, but he says he has that covered so Phil doesn’t worry.

Phil shuts his eyes and rolls a little bit closer. Spike huffs in annoyance and sprawls out a bit more, his stubby legs kicking Phil in the stomach. Phil chuckles to himself and relaxes, willing himself to sleep now that Dan was snoring softly next to him.

***

“My manager told me this was a bad move.”

Dan’s sitting on Phil’s bed, eating the bowl of cereal that Phil had made for him. Phil offered to make him scrambled eggs but Dan said he needed sugar so Phil gave him Frosties instead. He was trying to get ready for work, but Dan was making it difficult. He had asked to shower first so Phil let him and then he waltzed back into the room completely naked and sat down on Phil’s bed with just a towel covering his waist now.

“What was a bad move?” Phil asked, running his hands through his freshly dried hair, putting gel into it to push it into his quiff.

“Staying at your flat.” Dan says, bringing up a spoonful to his mouth.

“Why was it a bad move?”

Dan swallows and sets his bowl down on Phil’s bedside table. “Marianne said that it’s gonna end badly if the paparazzi figure out where I am. It’ll look bad if they discover I’m staying at your flat.”

“But you should be allowed to stay where you want to?” Phil says, opening up his closet doors and grabbing his jean jacket from its hanger.

“And I am.” Dan countered. “But we’ll just have to be careful.”

Phil nods and begins to speak just as his phone alarm goes off and tells him that he has just 5 minutes before he has to leave for work. He lets out a sigh and turns off the alarm. He turns to Dan and walks over to the bed, leaning down to give him a kiss.

Dan reciprocates with no hesitation. It’s just a quick peck, much different from the kisses they shared when Dan first arrived. Phil pulls away and then walks over to the door, ready to leave. “I have to get going.”

“That’s fine.” Dan says. “I have an appointment with my designer for my tux in a few hours so I need to get ready too.”

“I should be back around like four.” Phil says, bending down on his way out to pet Spike who was sitting on the floor. “Do you want me to pick up food when I’m out for dinner?”

“You can.” Dan says, stepping out of the room with his half-ate bowl of cereal. “I’m up for anything.”

Phil flashes him a smile and moves to kiss him one more time. After a few shared kisses, he determined he was going to be late if he didn’t get going so he grabbed his backpack and left.

As Phil walked to the tube station, he had to admit that he felt like he was cloud 9 right now. But even more than that, it also felt like he and Dan were acting like a proper couple who lived together. He got Dan a spare key to his flat so he could come and go as he pleased. He also trusts Dan with full control over everything inside the flat and Spike as well.

Spike has already grown really fond of Dan which Phil is so happy about. He knew Spike was a loveable little guy and that he loved every person he met, but he was still nervous about having Dan being in the flat. But Spike was completely fine with Dan and Phil is even a bit jealous since Spike seems to want to spend all of the time with Dan when he is around.

At the BBC, PJ was already at his desk when he walked in and Gemma was sitting with him, a chair pulled up to the side. They were talking close to each other, almost like gossiping, and as soon as Phil sat down his backpack and unzipped it, they both peaked their heads up at him.

Phil felt a bit weird about it, but he didn’t question it. If PJ and Gemma were having a private conversation, he wasn’t one to butt in and try and figure out what they were talking about. However, the way that they kept looking at him every so often gave him the uneasy, sinking feeling that they were talking about him.

Eventually, PJ caved and looked up and spoke up to him. “Did Dan get in alright?” He asked.

Phil looked up from his laptop and nodded. “Yeah, he got in sometime last night.” He answers.

“That’s good! Glad he wasn’t bombarded or anything at the airport.” PJ says, leaning back in his chair and Gemma following suit in hers.

“What are you really wanting to ask, Peej?” Phil asked. “I know you want to ask something.”

PJ shook his head. “Oh, no. I actually don’t have anything I really want to say other than I just hope that you guys can have your privacy.”

“Me too.” Phil finds himself saying as he swallows the knot in his throat.

“You two deserve it.” Gemma chimes in. “I know I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to when you first came back to work after your first rendezvous with Dan but…you two deserve happiness and you two deserve to have your privacy like anyone else.”

Phil was actually really flushed to hear that. Gemma was right when she said that she hadn’t been the easiest to be around but that was completely true. Phil called it jealousy that he was growing closer to Dan and she still had a crush on him. But there were days when he’d walk into the office and she would leave and not say a word to him. Other days, she would ask him about what Dan smelled like―Phil always said warm, which was weird, but Phil understood in a weird way.

Gemma had began to open up to him again the last week or so and Phil was okay with grateful for that because even though they were never more than just co-workers, he didn’t like the idea of someone close to him being upset that he was dating Dan.

They eventually all ended up in a conversation about their new projects that they were working on and Phil mentioned how he posted a new video to his YouTube channel. Both Gemma and PJ seemed interested in that so he spent a good portion of their morning showing them his video and promoting his channel to them.

For lunch, they all went out to get lunch together at the closest Costa and then they brought it back to the office and continued their conversations. Phil ended up telling PJ and Gemma about how Dan had his big movie premiere in a few nights and it worried him because this was Dan’s first official step into the spotlight since their paparazzi problems.

By the end of their shifts, they all clocked out and left and went their own ways for the night. Phil told PJ he would let him know if Dan was down for dinner one night with him and Sophie.

On the way back to his flat, Dan had texted him and told him he was running a bit behind at his designers studio for his fitting and he might be a couple hours later than normal getting back. Phil didn’t mind so he got back to the flat and began to prepare a dinner with some of the food he had in his fridge.

With Spike running around his feet, he eventually ended up with some pasta dish with pre-packaged sauce that he warmed up in a pot. But he put all of it together and when Dan got back to his flat, his hoodie up and his sunglasses on, Phil couldn’t miss the smile on his face when he smelled the food.

“Did you cook?” Dan asked, shucking off his backpack onto Phil’s couch and unzipping his hoodie, shrugging it off as well. He stepped up to the kitchen and grabbed one of the plates that Phil had prepared. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted to.” Phil says. “I never cooked enough on my own and now I have you here so I thought this is as good of a time as any.”

Dan walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek, his lips pressing firmly on his skin. “Thank you.” Dan whispers. “I’ve never had a boyfriend cook me dinner before.”

“Never?”

Dan shook his head. “Gonna be honest, Phil. I’ve never had a boyfriend care about me as much as you do and at times, it throws me off but most of the time, I love it so much.”

Phil puts his arm around Dan’s waist and pulls him close, pressing a kiss to his lips. When they separated, they made their way to his breakfast bar and sat down and ate their dinner. When they were done, Phil took care of the dishes by rinsing them off in the sink and then leaving for tomorrow.

He was feeling a bit tired. It probably had to do with the fact that he didn’t sleep well the night before. He stayed up waiting for Dan and then once Dan was here, he was too busy looking at him to want to shut his eyes and not see him anymore.

Dan seemed tired too. As they were resting on the couch, Dan had begun to fall asleep so Phil settled back and let Dan fall asleep on his chest under a blanket that was wrapped around them. Spike laid on the end of the couch, curled up and sleeping as well.

Phil had the anime that they were watching playing softly in the background and his eyes were beginning to shut too when his phone went off on the side of the couch and jolted him up. Dan groaned a bit in his sleep but then pressed further onto Phil’s chest and snuggled back down. Phil looked at the message and he read it was from his brother.

 **Martyn:** Did you know about this?

Phil opens up the message with the image attached and it’s a screenshot taken from Dan’s Instagram story that said it was posted 13 hours ago. It was a photo of Dan with Spike, clearly laying in Phil’s bed, with the caption “My new snuggle buddy”.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read yet! Just a warning 😅

Phil doesn’t bring up the Instastory to Dan. He let’s Dan remain asleep on his chest even though his heart is beating so fast that surely, Dan can feel it under his head. Phil texted Martyn back saying that he definitely did not see it and it made him feel a bit sick.

He didn’t want to believe that Dan did it on purpose. A part of him tells him that he hopes that Dan was messing around and went to delete it and posted it instead. But another part was punching his gut and telling him that Dan posted that photo to get a rise out of everyone. He wanted people to to be tense about this.

For many people, seeing Spike on Dan’s instastory was probably not even weird. They just assumed that maybe Dan adopted a dog or he was with a dog for emotional support. Dan did mention sometimes in interviews that he would go to specialized places for emotional support animals and sometimes hold the dogs for a bit and play with them. Maybe people assumed the same.

But for other people, the hardcore stans of Dan and some even of Phil, they would recognize Spike from Phil’s Twitter and Instagram. They would recognize his blue collar and his distinct markings on his fur. There is no mistaking that that is Spike in Dan’s photo.

And furthermore, the headlines on social media definitely are saying the same.

Was this why PJ and Gemma were acting so weird earlier? Had they seen the post and both just never told Phil? Did they assume that Phil approved to the post?

Phil’s head was swimming and he was finding it hard to form his thoughts coherently.

Dan woke up a little before midnight, rubbing his eyes a bit before sitting up and rolling off from Phil and kneeling onto the floor next to the couch as he woke up. He then stood up and Phil just smiled at him and Dan gave him a strange look as he pushed his hair back down into place from being matted up.

“You okay?” Dan asks. “Did I crush you while I was sleeping? You could have shoved me off. I wouldn’t have minded.”

“It’s nothing.” Phil realizes after he spoke that his voice is tight and constricted.

Dan furrowed his brows. “Okay, well now I definitely know something is wrong so tell me what’s up.”

Phil sighed. “Why did you do it, Dan?”

Dan’s face fell and Phil watches as his eyes glassed over. “Do what?”

“Post that story on your Instagram!” Phil doesn’t know when his voice decided to rise in volume but the way Dan flinched told him he definitely was on the verge of yelling. He didn’t want to yell. He was just upset.

“Phil, I meant nothing by that!” Dan quickly pushed. “I posted it as just a stupid thing. I can delete it, I promise!”

“Everyone has seen it Dan!” Phil countered. “The media has seen it. The fans have seen it. Everyone knows that that is my dog in that Instastory.”

“Phil, I wasn’t thinking…”

“We said we were going to be more careful so we could have our privacy!” Phil interrupted. “And you broke it by posting that!”

Phil looked at Dan and watched as a stray tear fell down his cheek and suddenly, he felt awful and his heart felt even more strained that it before. He immediately slipped off from the couch and kneeled next to Dan.

“I’m sorry.” Dan whispered. “I didn’t think…”

“I know.” Phil said, reaching up and placing his hand gently on Dan’s cheek. “I’m sorry for getting upset.”

Dan shook his head and removed Phil’s hand from his cheek. “No, don’t apologize. I was a dumbass. You can just tell me that straight up.” He let out a watery sigh and reached up, wiping the unshed tears from under his eyes. “I probably just a made a giant fucking mess and Marianne is gonna kill me.”

Dan reached down and pulled his phone out of his pocket and let out a loud sigh. “35 missed calls, all from Marianne.” He stood up and ran his hand through his hair. “I have to call her back and make some phone calls. I need someplace quiet.”

Phil nodded and looked up at him. “You can take my room.”

Dan nodded and flashed him a smile but Phil could tell how much this was bothering him now that he was witnessing the implications of something he thought was going to be a simple post.

Dan shut the door behind him to the bedroom and Phil never heard a word that was said by him to Marianne or anyone else he was talking to. During the time he was on the phone, Phil took a shower and then let out Spike for one more sleepy bathroom break to the courtyard.

He doesn’t know truly when Dan got off from the phone because he fell asleep on the couch. However, when he wakes up a short time later to his back aching, he hears the sound of sobs coming from his bedroom and it alarms him enough to wake up fully and rush in there.

Seeing Dan curled into a ball on his bed, still in his clothing, hugging Spike to his chest as he cried was one of the saddest sights Phil has ever seen in his lifetime. He rushes over to the bed and climbs in behind Dan and wraps his arms around his middle and holds him close.

Dan eventually cries himself to sleep but Phil remains awake until his alarm goes off for work.

***

When Phil leaves for work, Dan is still asleep, completely exhausted from crying the night before. Phil didn’t get a chance to talk to him before he left but he did kiss Dan’s cheek before he left and tried to ignore how it was still a bit damp.

When he gets to the BBC, he has paparazzi waiting for him and ignores them by pulling the collar of his jacket up past his face and hiding as he flashes his badge and runs into the building.

PJ is already at his desk like always and Phil feels himself feel a bit more relaxed seeing it was just PJ this time and not Gemma. Despite it feeling a bit tense, he did appreciate being alone with PJ.

There is a silence crossing over the room for the first hour of their shift as they each worked silently, but finally PJ spoke up and broke that. “I saw the Instastory.”

“I guessed.” Phil said. “According to the article I found online last night, they were estimating millions of people had seen it.”

“Did Dan realize what he was doing?”

“I don’t know, Peej.” Phil said. “Dan was extremely upset when I brought it up to him but I really don’t think he realized what was going to happen.”

“But why did he do it?” PJ questioned.

Phil shrugged.

“What are you two going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Phil said. “I simply do not know what the fuck is going to happen and I don’t know what the future holds anymore.”

PJ’s eyes widened as he turned in his chair and faced Phil. “You’re really going to be like that after everything you and Dan have gone through?”

Phil leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands. “I don’t know, PJ. I just don’t know.”

“I’ve never seen you like this before.” PJ began. “I’ve never seen you so ready to just throw your hands up and walk away from something. You were so sure about Dan but you’re actually saying you’re not sure about the future anymore.”

“Because I really don’t know anymore, PJ.” Phil comments. “I don’t even know if I want to be here anymore.”

“Here?” PJ questions.

“The BBC.”

“What?” PJ’s voice is suddenly higher pitched, definitely taken aback by Phil’s clarification of what he meant.

“I might quit.”

“And, I’m sorry, but do what?” PJ presses.

“I want to work on YouTube more. I’ve been neglecting my fans because of the drama and because of The BBC and I kind of just want to start fresh and focus all of my time there.”

“Are you doing this because of Dan?”

Phil looks at him, furrowing his brows. “No!”

“Are you sure that you’re not just wanting to give up working here so you have the ability to…galavant…with Dan wherever you want to?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m just asking, Phil.” PJ said. “Because you should listen to what you’re telling me right now. You’re considering giving up your entire career here for something like YouTube!”

Phil rolled his eyes. “I don’t need this talk today, PJ.” He let out a sigh. “I know how it looks. I do. But I’m not happy here. I want to be able to go back and do what I always wanted to and that is YouTube.”

PJ just nods at him and folds his arms over his chest. He doesn’t say anything right away and Phil swallows down the knot that had formed in his throat. “I just want you to be happy, Phil.”

“I know.”

“You’re my best friend.”

“I know.”

Pj rolled his chair over to Phil’s desk and rested his hands on the edge of it. “I just don’t want you to end up doing something you regret.”

PJ’s words stuck with Phil the rest of the day.

I don’t want you to end up doing something you regret.

Phil hoped he didn’t either.

He managed to get back to his flat with no paparazzi and no one calling for him. When he went to unlock the door, it suddenly opened and Dan nearly ran into him, in a rush to get wherever he needed to be.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I have to head out to meet up with Marianne. She took the first flight available to London and she just arrived and it going to her London based office right now.”

“Oh okay.”

“I’ll be back before it’s too late tonight, hopefully.” Dan says. “I took Spike out and cleaned your bedroom a bit since I cried all over your sheets last night.”

Dan’s face flushed at that and Phil just shook his head. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“I wanted to.” Dan said. He looked down at his phone and sighed. “I’m running late so I have to go now. My car is picking me up.”

“Good luck.”

Dan’s lips crack up in a smile and leans forward, pressing their lips together gently.

Phil pecks his lips and then moves back and lets Dan rush past him as he throws up his hood and rushes to his black cab and gets inside.

Phil walks into his flat and gives Spike his well deserved attention and then finds his feet carrying him to the bedroom. He laughs a bit at seeing how Dan really did redress the bed but he found it so endearing and nice that he just falls onto the comforter and is lulled into a nap not long after.

***

Something was buzzing in Phil’s hip bone and it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, Phil kind of wants it to stop. He pushes his hand under his thigh and reaches around until he feels the buzzing object and picks it up, bringing it up to his eye-level.

7 Missed Calls from: Dan

6 Missed Calls from: Martyn

10 Missed Calls from: Mum

2 Texts from: PJ

Phil was confused. What the fuck?

His reaction was to call Dan so he immediately called Dan back.

“OH MY GOD PHIL! WHY WEREN’T YOU ANSWERING?”

Phil sits up in bed, his heart racing. “What is happening? Are you okay?”

Dan sniffles on the other side and Phil feels his heart fall out of his body. Dan was crying? What was happening.

“Phil, it’s over.”

“What’s over?”

“Phil…I…go on Twitter.” Dan sniffles a bit on the other end.

Phil quickly takes his phone away from his ear and puts Dan on speaker phone as he shakily presses his thumb against the Twitter app. He goes under the headlines and moments and he audibly gasps.

“Daniel Howell Spotted Sharing a Sweet Kiss with Boyfriend in London”.

Underneath, there is a picture of him and Dan kissing on the doorstep of the building of his flat.


	26. Chapter 26

The picture was spread over every corner of the world. Everywhere Phil looked, he saw the photo. It was so blurry and grainy but it was obvious who it was and it was obvious what was happening. Every time he looked at the photo, he felt sicker and sicker.

The worst part was that he felt so powerless to everything. He felt absolutely powerless to anything that was happening and it was so far beyond their control. When he’d gotten off from the phone with Dan, he’d cried so hard that Spike barked at him and Phil had yelled for him to shut up and then immediately apologized. He’d held Spike close. He knew his crying was unsettling for his pup.

He hadn’t bothered to call his mum back or Martyn. He didn’t even look at PJ’s text. A part of him believes that if he stops looking at his phone and seeing the photo, he can believe the photo never existed and this entire thing wasn’t happening.

He was curled up on his bed when he heard Dan enter his flat a short time later. He could hear Dan’s footsteps walk around before they eventually walked to the bedroom. Phil looked up at him and immediately broke down into tears again at Dan’s puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

“What are we going to do?”

“Marianne is talking with the media right now to try and get the photo pulled. I have my entire team working individually to find the source of the photo so we can press charges.”

“But that doesn’t solve our problem.” Phil says, reaching up and wiping his cheeks.

“I know.” Dan says. “But there isn’t anything we can do right now.”

Phil let out a long sigh. “So what are we going to do now?”

Dan walked into the bedroom further and shrugged his shoulders. He took a seat on the edge of Phil’s bed and sniffled. “I actually don’t know.”

“I don’t either.”

“We could release statements and ask for privacy but…”

“That doesn’t really work when our privacy has already been breached.” Phil says.

Dan nods in agreement.

“I never really planned for this to ever happen.” Dan says. “I should have been more careful. I knew how paparazzi liked to follow me around and I knew that they would eventually find out where I was but I still should have been more careful. It was my fault for kissing you in such an open setting.”

“It’s not your fault.” Phil says. He actually believes―no, knows this too. He knows that this isn’t Dan’s fault and he doesn’t want Dan taking the blame for it. Not with all of this shit crumbling around them, he doesn’t need Dan to take the fall.

“But it is.” Dan says. “It’s indirectly my fault and you can’t argue with it. I’m the one who is the celebrity, not you.”

“But that isn’t your fault for what the paparazzi are doing to you―to us. They’re ruining our privacy and breaching our boundaries.”

“I know.” Dan says. “And on top of that, I have that movie premiere tomorrow night and I’m going to have to show up since it’ll look fucked if I don’t. And when I get there, I’m going to bombarded by people and cameras and microphones and I’m going to have to bite my tongue to not tell them to get fucked.”

“This is all such bullshit.” Phil says.

Dan nods again in agreement.

“What do you want to do?” Dan asks him and it catches Phil off guard.

“I don’t know.”

Dan lets out a watery sigh. “I told Marianne that I would travel back to LA tomorrow night immediately following the premiere. I need to sort things out back home.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

Phil reached out and put his hand on Dan’s arm. “Don’t apologize.”

Dan laid down on the bed and rolled closer to Phil, bringing their bodies closer together. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s torso and pulled him close.

They just laid in silence together. In the background, Phil could hear both of their phones going off, constantly vibrating from emails, missed calls, and texts. But right now, they just lay together, crying silently as they think about the future and what’s going to happen.

They were just outed in front of the entire world. Phil wasn’t even out to some of his coworkers and past friends and now, his name is plastered on headlines as kissing Daniel Howell. He can only imagine what people must be thinking right now. He doesn’t even want to see his social media. He doesn’t want to see his Twitter or Instagram or even his YouTube channel.

Whatever chance he had a normal life was just ripped away from him and he’ll never get it back. He’s always be known as the guy in the photo kissing Daniel Howell.

They remain silent until Dan suddenly begins to kiss him and they find themselves getting heated. Just mere moments later, Dan is beneath him, spreading his legs open and Phil is stretching him open and pushing inside not long after. It’s a bit sad and Phil feels tears prick his eyes as he thrusts into Dan. But as his thrusting gets faster and Dan moans under him, he feels something deep and primal take over.

This is the one thing they have between them that remains private. Sex will always be just for him and Dan to have. No one will be able to see Dan like Phil does. No one will see the way Dan shuts his eyes and bites his lip as he moans. No one will see what Dan looks like naked underneath them.

This is just for Phil to see from now on and forever and he intends to eventually make that clear.

Dan finishes before him but not long after, Phil pulls out and finishes on Dan’s belly. It was what he needed to feel the stress leave his body and he can tell Dan feels the same way as his muscles unclench in his stomach and back. They don’t even bother to clean up. They just lay down next to each other and fall asleep.

***

Phil calls in sick to work the next morning and then before Phil can really comprehend what the day is actually going to bring, Dan tells him that he needs to leave so he can go and get ready all day for the premiere that night. Their goodbye is much more bittersweet than when Phil left Los Angeles. There isn’t as many tears shed but it definitely hurts a lot more because Phil has no idea what the future is going to bring anymore.

He’s lost.

He’s completely and utterly lost.

He sees Dan out with one last kiss goodbye and then Dan leaves out the door to a black cab with his suitcase and he’s gone once again out of Phil’s life. Phil doesn’t even know when he’s going to see Dan again and maybe that’s why this departure feels a lot more bittersweet.

This was supposed to be his and Dan’s time to be together and it was ruined by the paparazzi and now they couldn’t enjoy what they wanted to. Phil has to figure out what to do while Dan goes to a movie premiere and then flies back to Los Angeles to figure out what he is going to do.

He sits on his couch all day and ignores all of the phone calls that come in. He sends his mum and brother texts asking for some time to himself and then he turns off his phone and leaves it be.

When he gets onto his laptop, he finds himself looking through his old footage of videos that he and Dan had filmed when he was in LA. He clicks through the videos and finds one of him and Dan doing a Q+A that they had asked questions for and finds himself importing the footage into his editing software and splicing it together.

He works on that until its done and he honestly does not know how long it takes. He exports it and renders it and then he’s on his YouTube channel. Phil’s clicking on his profile and then he’s clicking on upload and suddenly he’s uploading the video and titling it. He adds in the description that this is the last video he’ll post for a while and then as it uploads, he watches the progress bar rise further and further to 100%.

When it’s finished, he presses publish and takes a deep breath before closing his laptop and tossing it gently to the floor and laying on his side.

He never sees what the reception of the video was. He never sees anyones reaction. He doesn’t even see what Dan says about the video because by the time he finally turns his phone on, the premiere for the moving is beginning and he’s watching it on his telly.

Spike lays with him and they watch the TV as the hosts of the entertainment channel he stumbled upon talk about how it’s going to be a star studded night for the occasion and they were going to be covering some of the celebrities who were showing up to the red carpet.

Phil watches curiously as all of the celebrities begin to arrive for the premiere and then suddenly a limo pulls ups and he see Dan step out with the help of a bodyguard. Phil watches with a tight throat as he sees all of the flashing lights flaring at Dan. He’s wearing a black pin stripe blazer with black pants and Phil thinks he looks stunning and he’s upset that he didn’t get the chance to tell Dan that himself.

“Daniel Howell has just arrived to the red carpet.” The one host says on the TV. “He’s been the center of media headlines over the last couple weeks and there were talks that his appearance tonight would be up in the air.”

The host suddenly walks over to Dan and Phil can see the fear that is registering over his face as the host points the microphone at him. “Hello, Dan! Do you care to tell us who you’re wearing tonight?”

“I’m wearing Marc Jacobs.” Dan says with a smile.

“Ooh.” She says. “We were all surprised to see you at the premiere tonight following the massive media attention in the last 24 hours.”

Phil watches Dan’s smile falter and Phil wants to go through the screen and shake the host and scream at her that she shouldn’t be asking Dan that. But instead, he has to sit back and watch as Dan visibly recoils and then tries to answer.

“Well, my friends all worked hard on this film and I’d been an extra on the set so it only feels right that I still come out and support them on such a great occasion.”

Dan then turns away from the host and walks away and the host tries to play it off like that was what was supposed to happen and she turns back to the camera to speak about how Chris Hemsworth was arriving right about now to the red carpet.

Phil reaches for the remote and flips the channel, finding a cooking show to watch instead as the bile rises in his throat.

***

Phil gets around to calling his mum before he goes to bed that night and he shares ahealthy cry with her over the phone. His mum keeps him calm and tells him that she’s spoken to someone to act as a publicist on his behalf and this time, Phil doesn’t argue with her about it. He needs the help.

He hears from Dan when he leaves the premiere and heads for the airport and when he falls asleep that night, he’s convinced that Dan is on his flight back to Los Angeles.

Phil wakes up from a restless sleep to his phone buzzing repeatedly on his night stand. He reaches for it and checks it and sees that is Dan wanting to Facetime. He looks at the time and notes that it is a little after 6am which means Dan is back in the USA by now.

Phil answers it and Dan’s face pops up on the screen in front of him. His eyes are puffy and his cheeks red and Phil knows that there is something different―more tense―hanging in the air as Dan opens his mouth to speak.

“We need to talk, Phil.” He begins.

“Okay.” Phil chokes out.

“i’ve been doing some thinking and…” Dan’s voice breaks. “I think we should take a break.”

Phil feels his heart shatter as if someone just took a sledgehammer to glass but he tries his best to hide it despite his vision blurring.

“I don’t want to do this.” Dan says, his voice continuing to break as he speaks. “But I think it’s for the best if we take the time apart to let this situation clear and then we can try again.”

“Okay.”

“This isn’t a break up.” Dan reassures. “This is just a break, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Can you please say something else?” Dan pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” Phil says. “I think a break is a good thing too.” Phil lies.

“Are you…are you sure that’s how you feel?” Dan asks.

Phil nods, a tear suddenly sliding down his cheek and landing on his neck.

“Fuck, this is so much harder than I wanted it to be.” Dan says, his voice hoarse.

Phil can see that he’s crying silently to himself.

“I think it’s best too if we try and remain as low as we can about each other.” Dan says. “I think we shouldn’t try to contact each other for the next few days and we should just try and let this situation be pushed on.”

Phil turns his head and tries to hide the fact that a sob is threatening to break through his mouth. “Okay.”

“This isn’t easy for me, Phil.” Dan says. “I love you so damn much, okay and that’s why I’m doing this.” Dan sniffles. “It’s just until we can figure out what we can do in the future.”

Phil just nods and pulls his lips into a tight line as he looks at the screen through a clouded gaze. Dan brings his hand up and wipes off his face.

“I didn’t want it to come to this.”

“Me either.” Phil says.

“But it’s just until the media blows over. I promise.”

Phil nods and Dan tries to give him a sympathetic smile but it falters and crumbles as he wipes off the new tears from his face. “It’s late there and I know you’re supposed to be sleeping so I’ll let you go.”

Please don’t go.

“I love you.” Dan says before he shifts just a bit on camera. “Bye, Phil.”

The call ends and Phil feels his heart shutter into millions of unfixable pieces. He drops his phone to the other side of the bed and curls onto his side as he pulls his knees up to his chest and lets go all fo the sadness from the last few days.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the penultimate chapter! Next week is the final chapter and then I'll have an epilogue :)
> 
> Not beta read. All mistakes are mine!

Phil misses work the next few days and he doesn’t bother to tell anyone else why. Martyn tries to come and visit him but when Martyn rings his doorbell, Phil pretends he isn’t home and just lays on the couch. Spike whimpers a bit and tries to scratch at the door but because Martyn doesn’t have his key anymore to the flat, he can’t come in. 

Martyn texts him later that day and asks him where he went and Phil just said he needed to go for a breather. It was all he’s said to anyone since his last Skype call with Dan. 

He was hurt, deeply so. His heart felt shattered and his brain like mush. He wasn’t even sure if he could move past any of this. In the four short months that he’s grown to know who Dan was, nothing has felt like this. 

He’s been through break ups. He’s been through bad relationships. But no break up has hurt as bad as Dan telling him that he thinks they should take a break. What happened to Dan promising him that they wouldn’t give up on each other and he made the promise back? Did the promise fall on deaf ears? Did Dan not really mean anything that he said? 

Phil doesn’t want to believe that’s the case. 

Per Dan’s request, he hasn’t tried to get ahold of him. He also took the initiative to delete his social media apps off from his phone so that way he wouldn’t be tempted to check Dan’s Twitter or Instagram and see how he’s doing. The news has been quiet lately, not mentioning Dan’s name. And Phil guesses that he’s grateful for that. But in a selfish way, he wishes that some entertainment news site would talk about Dan so he could know what Dan was doing. 

It’s four days later when Phil decides that he needs to actually do something. He needs to get off his arse and actually start living again. He’s sat in his flat, wallowing in his own misery and barely showering. Even Spike has begun to find it a bit weird that Phil hasn’t taken him for a proper walk to the park. He can tell by Spike’s anxious prancing around the flat. 

He showers that morning, dresses in a pair of his black jeans and his black shirt with the word vibes on it to add a bit of color to his dark mind. He puts in contacts instead of wearing his glasses and he styles his hair. Already, just by doing that, he feels a bit better. 

But instead of going out, he sets up behind a camera and puts some lights on him and he just sits down and takes a breath. He needs to do this. Even if he never posts the video, he needs to just let everything go. 

And he’s going to. 

“Hey everyone.” He begins, voice wavering a bit. “Today, I’m making a video not as amazingphil but as Phil Lester. There is a lot I need to get off from my chest because of recent events and this is me doing so. In January of this year, I met Daniel Howell on the set of the new film he was working on. As some of you know, I work for the BBC as a graphic designer and I often am working in the offices doing advertising and posters and websites. But enough of that. I met Dan when I was told I was going to be an extra on the set of the film. I thought it was stupid. I was and at the BBC for bringing me in on what would be my day off to film as some extra in some big pretentious movie stars film. But that actually wasn’t it at all. I met Dan on the set and my life completely changed.” 

Phil took a breath and then let it out slowly as he tried to find his composure again. 

“Dan and I exchanged numbers and he asked me to do a favor for him by showing him around London. I thought really nothing of it. He was asking as if he was a friend and I’m not someone to turn down a friends request. So I went around with him in London then the paparazzi flooded us at the eye and that was when everyone saw us for the first time. At that time in our lives, we were just budding friends. We were nothing more.” 

Phil looked up his ceiling in an attempt to ground himself. He couldn’t believe he was telling all of this right now to a camera but it also felt so good to just spew all of this out when he’s had to hide it for so long. 

“Dan and I kept in contact and when he came to London a short time later, he stayed at my flat with me and I think that was when I realized he was someone I wanted to spend more time with and get to know better. So we agreed for me to come to Los Angeles to spend a week with him and I did. And it was then during that time that we solidified our relationship.” 

Phil felt his eyes prick a bit with tears as he took in a deep shuddering breath, promising to edit it out later if he ever does actually edit this video to be posted later. All he can think of is him in Dan in LA, kissing in Dan’s bed and then fucking just a short time later. Phil’s spins tingles as he thinks about what it was like to have sex with Dan for the first time and how amazing it had felt for him. How much love he had felt being poured from Dan. 

“We told each other that we were together and we wanted to be together but then the paparazzi got in our way and we couldn’t do it anymore. Our relationship was going so well but then the fucking paparazzi came out and they followed us. They followed me around London where I once lived without worry. They followed Dan around Los Angeles when he isn’t comfortable with it. And they ruined us. The ruined us because they caught an intimate moment between us at my flat and completely breached our privacy. And I know people are probably going to be like “but Phil, you’re airing everything out into the open now” and my answer to that is that I’m doing it on my own terms. Dan and I wanted to come out on our own terms and it got ripped away from us by some selfish pricks we wanted it make quick money.” 

Tears are rolling freely down Phil’s cheeks now. He reaches up and wipes them away as best he can but it looks like he just smeared them over his cheeks and not really wiped them away. 

“Dan and I are taking a break now because of what the paparazzi did. Because we need to figure out how to move on with our relationship aired out before we were ready. And no one will understand the pain that I’m feeling right now to love someone so damn much and have him be ripped away from me because of people who have no care for other people’s privacy.” 

A sob rips from his throat and he lurches forward as he buries his head into his hands and lets out all of the emotions that he has been feeling and bottling up these last few days. He’s angry. And he’s sad. And frankly, he kind of wants to be out for blood right now, yelling at people. But he’s trying to keep composure and it’s getting more and more difficult. 

When his tears dry up a bit and he lets himself settle, he takes a few deep breaths and then speaks again. 

“I don’t know if Dan will ever see this video. For all I know, this video could separate us further than we already are. But if he is, I wanted to speak to him directly and just say some things. Dan, I love you. I know I didn’t say it to you when you told me you loved me in Los Angels but I’m saying it now. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you. I know you probably didn’t want a video like this just airing everything out but please, please understand me. I want to be able to be with you, completely and unabashedly. I want to wake up next to you again and kiss you and, sorry for being vulgar, but I want to keep making love with you. I want to be with you....I love you.” 

Phil stands up and pushes the button on the camera to stop it from recording as he lets out the rest of his sobs and wipes off his eyes with the backs of his hands. This was a stupid, stupid idea. But yet, he still found himself opening up his camera’s base and pulling out the SD card and bringing it to his laptop. 

He exports the video onto his laptop and he doesn’t even edit it. He doesn’t do anything with. He goes right to YouTube and he uploads it and titles to “The Truth”. It’s 35 minutes long with everything form his crying to his raw emotions and he doesn’t care. 

He presses public on the video and then takes a deep breath and shuts his laptop and picks up his phone. He calls PJ. 

**** 

“Was everything you said in the video the truth?” PJ asks Phil as they sit on his couch and each have a glass of some strong liquor that PJ had brought. Phil thinks it’s whiskey which he doesn’t like but it does numb his mind a bit. 

“Of course.” Phil says. “I wouldn’t lie.” 

“So you and Dan are broken up?” 

“Yes and no.” Phil says. “When Dan Skyped me the other night, he told me it wasn’t a break up and we were on a break but then he told me not to contact him and he wasn’t gong to contact me.” 

“That’s rough.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“Is that why you haven’t been to work?” PJ asks and Phil nods. “Louise told us you went on a personal leave.” 

“I couldn’t go to work.” Phil says. “I couldn’t even get up the energy to shower or go and get food.” 

“Louise was saying that she knew it was about what happened with Dan but she isn’t happy with having you miss work over it.” 

“Doesn’t matter.” Phil says. “I’m quitting anyway.” 

PJ’s eyes widen and he looks at Phil with a confused look. “What are you talking about?” 

“I’m quitting the BBC.” 

“Why?” 

“Well,” Phil begins, resting back onto the couch. “I’ve been wanting to quit for a while and honestly, I kind of want to just like…stop working there and focus on something new. I could use something new in my life.” 

“But what are you going to do?” 

“I’m going to focus more on my YouTube channel and if life goes that way, I’ll be traveling with Dan and supporting him.” 

“But you haven’t talk to him since you uploaded the video right?” PJ asks. “How do you think he’s going to react to it?” 

Phil shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. It burns a bit when it goes down and he winces. But within a few minutes, his mind will feel clouded again and he’ll be able to feel something more than just hollow. 

“You should probably try and speak to him.” 

“I don’t know if I can yet.” Phil says. “I don’t know if I can face him yet after I just aired all of our dirty laundry into the open.” 

“But it’s not ‘dirty laundry’. It’s your real life that the tabloids were exploiting. The paparazzi deserved to be called out like you did.” 

“That doesn’t make what I do as right.” 

They sit in silence for a few moments, nothing more than just the sound of them breathing in the room and the sound of Spike gnawing on a bone in the corner of the flat. 

Suddenly, Phil’s phone vibrates loudly on the couch and he jumps, reaching for it and picking it up. On the screen, it’s a picture of Dan saying ‘Dan would like to Facetime’. Phil swallows and puts his finger up to PJ to keep him quiet and he nods in acknowledgement. 

He swipes the screen and answers and Dan is laying in his bed on the other side, his face red and puffy and his eyes very badly bloodshot. 

“Why did you make that video?” Dan asks, his voice really hoarse and his words hanging between them like a tight string. 

Phil’s heart began to beat faster as he begin to think of every possible reasoning he could tell Dan but frankly, none of them would be true. They would all be fibs. So he lets out a breath and then answers. “I wanted people to know our story.” 

“But why?” 

Dan’s voice sounds young and childlike, almost as if he’s asking a parent why he couldn’t have a sweet before his dinner. Phil swallows. 

“I wanted people to know what they did.” 

Dan breaks eye contact with the screen and looks down at his bedsheets, his fingers appear to be picking at a piece of thread. 

“I can delete the video if you want me to.” Phil says. “Although I’m not sure…” 

“Thank you for posting the video.” 

The words catch Phil off guard. He was expecting Dan to yell at him, maybe even threaten legal action for speaking out about their relationship. But those words…they were like a punch in Phil’s gut in the best way possible. 

“What?” 

“When Marianne told me that you had posted that video, I initially was really upset because I thought you were doing it to maybe spite what I had asked of us on our Skype call or to even, I don’t know, exploit our own relationship.” Dan sniffled. “Marianne barred me from watching the video but I just caved and watched it and Phil, what you said at the end, I want all of that too.” 

Phil feels his eyes prick a bit with happy tears and he looks up to see PJ’s own eyes have gone a bit glassy as well. 

“I want to wake up next to you each morning and I want to kiss you whenever I want, where I want to.” Dan let out a laugh. “And let’s be real, definitely more sex because that has been incredible.” 

PJ snickers in the background and Phil shushes him with a wave out of view. 

“But more than anything, I just want to be with you.” Dan says. “I want to be able to go in public with you and post photos with you and not feel like I had to hide. I’ve been hiding for so long and I’m sick of it.” He lets out a breath. “I just want to be with you.” 

“I love you, Dan.” It’s the first time Phil has said it to Dan directly and it feels a bit overwhelming but it also feels right at the same time. 

“I love you too.” Dan says. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else before.” 

Phil lets a few tears fall and Dan smiles and laughs a bit as he wipes his own tears on the other side of the screen. 

“We’re such saps.” Dan laughs and Phil laughs with him because they are. They really are but Phil doesn’t care. “I’m going to make a post on Instagram and Twitter confirming what you said in the video and I’m going to ask for our privacy. Is that okay?” 

Phil nods and smiles. “That is more than okay. I think I’m going to do that same.” 

“Okay.” Dan says. “I have to get going now because I have to get ready for Jimmy Fallon tonight, perfect timing right? But anyway, I have to start preparing but I’ll make the post and everything. I’m sure this will be a talking point on Jimmy Fallon if you want to tune in later?” 

Phil nods. It’ll be really really late for him but he needs to watch Dan on Jimmy Fallon. He has to. 

“I’ll talk to you later?” Dan asks, breaking Phil’s thoughts and Phil nods quickly. 

“Of course.” 

“Mmm. Love you.” Dan says, a smile playing on his lips again. “I like being able to say that.” 

“Me too.” Phil says. “Love you too.” 

“Bye.” 

Dan ends the video call and Phil is left staring at his own reflection in the black screen. He immediately turns to PJ who is half pouring a new glass of whiskey and half wiping a few tears from his cheeks. 

“Can you please stay with me to watch Jimmy Fallon tonight?” Phil pleads. 

PJ looks at Phil and nods quickly. “Of course but I have work in the morning and you do too.” 

Phil shakes his head and lets out a sigh. “Forget work tomorrow. Just…please be with me to watch Dan on there. Please?” 

PJ nods and lets out a soft smile. “I’ll call Soph and have her bring us some snacks.” 

“I should probably call my brother and my mum.” Phil says, speaking out loud. 

PJ nods and Phil let’s out a long sigh and picks up his phone again. He remembers how he told Dan that he’ll write a note on Instagram and Twitter so he opens his notes app and just types. 

“As you all know I posted the video today about Dan and I’s relationship. Although that was all private information, Dan and I have since spoken and neither one of us believe the video did any harm. We’re asking for everyone to respect our privacy during this time as we rebuild our relationship. Thank you all, Phil.” 

Just as Phil posts his note, Dan’s note comes onto his timeline and he reads it. 

“Earlier today, Phil posted a video regarding mine and his relationship these last few months. Although all of what he said is 100% accurate, we’re asking you all to respect us during this time and keep our privacy as just that. I will still be on Jimmy Fallon tonight but I would like to remind everyone to keep us in your thoughts and to please leave us to settle what we need to in private. Thank you.” 

Phil smiles at bit at the note and then goes to the contacts in his phone and presses his mum’s name for the first time in over a week. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! We're here! It's the final chapter and I'm honestly in tears. I've been writing this fic since January of this year and it turned into the longest fic I've ever written in my life. It took so much of my energy and my patience but it was also one of funnest fics I've ever written and I'd love to do more works like it! 
> 
> I'm going to be taking a break from posting chaptered fics until after Summer is ending but I still want you guys to help me decide my next fic! I was going to post this on Tumblr but it felt inappropriate given Dan's video so I'll post it on this fic instead. [ Here is a link to a form where you can vote on the next fic you would like to see me write!](https://forms.gle/1vrU18YU6WnUS52H8)
> 
> If you want to speak to me about this fic, please do so on my tumblr under [ Yiffandquiff](https://yiffandquiff.tumblr.com)! 
> 
> Also Disclaimer: I don't have a way to watch Jimmy Fallon so all of what was written was based on what other people told me and what I briefly was able to find on YouTube. I don't mean to be like totally wrong so I tried to be as accurate as possible! I apologize if it's not. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy! The epilogue is also posted for you to see :)

They’re all sat on Phil’s couch, bleary-eyed and yawning. PJ has been dozing off for the last hour and Phil has just let him go. Martyn came by a few hours before that, yelling at Phil about how stupid he was for ignoring calls and how worried he had their mum but Phil just explained to him the entire situation and Martyn warmed up. He eventually took a seat on the sofa with them and that was where he currently was.

Phil was exhausted and fighting to stay awake. But he told Dan he would watch Jimmy Fallon tonight with him on it and it was about to start in another ten minutes. He could do this. He’s been seeing commercials all night for Dan’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon along with some other musicians that Phil didn’t bother to pay any attention to.

His nerves were running thin and his heart was beating so fast that he thought he might actually pass out. He figures that it’s either from the lack of sleep he’s gotten tonight―or really over the last few days―and the anticipation of what Dan was going to do or say tonight.

Suddenly, the show begins and Phil holds his breath as he watches along with Martyn, who is eating some stale popcorn they made earlier, and PJ who is sleeping on the couch. He waits for Jimmy to say what he needs to―Phil’s never actually made an effort to watch him before.

They watch in silence as Jimmy does his opening monologue and then finishes it up and there is already a commercial break. Phil feels like he’s going mad. He wants to see Dan so badly and he wants to see what Dan is going to say.

The commercials are average American ones and he finds himself feeling on edge as he wraps his fingers on his thigh from wanting to fast forward even though he can’t. Maybe this is why he never watches cable TV.

“You’re going to put a hole through your pants.” Martyn says, pointing to his fingers.

“I just wish the show didn’t have so many commercials.” Phil mumbles, not breaking eye-contact away from his television.

“Maybe we should just record the rest of this and wait until tomorrow to watch it. It’s clear you’re going mental.”

“We’ve made it this far.” Phil says, just as Jimmy comes back on and this time, he’s sitting at his table. “I’m not going to stop watching.”

“I might fall asleep.” Martyn says with a hint of a smile on his lips.

Phil turns his head briefly and smiles before turning back and watching whatever Jimmy has to say.

He’s going on and on about President Trump, but not in an overtly political way. And then he’s talking about his son and Phil finds that to be really wholesome. But before long, Jimmy says that after the next break, Daniel Howell will be on to discuss his new movie.

During this commercial break, Phil doesn’t sit still. He gets up and paces a bit around his flat before he goes into the kitchen and grabs a can of diet coke from his fridge and opens it, taking a long sip. The acidity burns his throat but he welcomes it.

He makes his way back into his living room where now both Martyn and PJ are sleeping on the couch on different sides and he snickers as he pushes himself into the middle and watches.

When Dan walks out, Phil feels all of the breath leave his body. Dan is wearing some nice black and white striped shirt and a pair of very nice black trousers. His hair is perfectly styled and any hint of the crying he did earlier on the phone was completely gone behind layers of make up. But he looked beautiful and Phil could actually cry seeing him.

“Thank you for joining us!” Jimmy says to him. “We hear that you just finished your new film so can you tell us a bit about it?”

Dan nods and flashes a blinding smile. “My pleasure. I just got done with filming my next film with Mimei Lake called This is Life and it’s about a young male, who I play, moving to New York City to find himself and he begins to work for a fashion magazine and he falls in love with the CEO who is played by Mimei Lake and I won’t spoil the rest.”

Jimmy nods and laughs. “That sounds amazing so I’m glad you don’t want to spoil the film.” He looks down at his desk and Phil watches him before he looks back up. “We also heard that you have been recently casted as Christopher Robin in Disney’s new live adaption of the popular children series. My son loves the books.”

Dan smiles wider. “Thank you! I’ve always been a fan of Winnie the Pooh since I was a kid and so this is honestly a blessing. I went into the audition thinking that I was in way over my head but I’m very excited.”

“It’ll be amazing to see how they make a realistic Pooh without totally scaring off everyone in the audience.”

The audience laughs and Dan does too and Phil even finds himself chuckling a bit. Martyn stirs beside him and opens his eyes and then looks at Phil. “He’s on?”

Phil nods and then shushes him as Martyn readjusts himself on the couch and sits up straighter, his eyes a bit wider.

Then Jimmy speaks again.

“So, I’m sure everyone out there is thinking the same thing but your social media has been a bit crazy these last few months haven’t they?”

Dan nods and Phil watches as a blush spreads over his cheeks. “Yeah, they’ve been a bit of a mess.” He laughs it off.

“Is it something that―uh―you’d be willing to talk about?” Jimmy asks and Dan nods.

“The paparazzi hasn’t exactly been kind to me or my boyfriend, Phil, these last few months.” Dan says and Phil’s mouth drops open.

Martyn elbows him in the side and Phil turns to him.

“Oh so you have a boyfriend?” Jimmy asks and Dan nods.

“Yes, I’ve been with my boyfriend Phil since February.” Dan says.

“Well, that’s great!” Jimmy says. “Despite all that everyone has been seeing on social media, I think it’s quite amazing that you’re able to sit here and talk about him so openly.”

Dan nods again. “It’s taken a lot of time but I really love him and I don’t want to hide him anymore.”

“That’s fantastic and I’m sure everyone here is happy to know that you’re feeling better too.”

Dan smiles and blushes and Phil feels his eyes well up a bit.

“After the break, we’ll still be here with Daniel to play the Best Friends Challenge.”

The screen goes black for a moment and Phil feels the first tear come down his eye.

“Dan just called you his boyfriend on live TV.”

PJ’s voice cuts through the silence and Phil turns to see his friend sitting with his clothes rucked up and his glasses slightly askew.

Phil just nods. “I can’t believe it.”

Phil clicks off the telly even though he knows Dan isn’t done but he needs a moment to just sit in shock. Dan just told everyone that they were together. He told the world that Phil was his boyfriend. It was official. Everything felt cemented and he felt a bit overwhelmed.

He tries to talk through his feelings with Martyn and PJ but it doesn’t really work when both of them are nearly asleep beside him. He eventually gives up and leaves them be just as they both curl up on opposite ends of the couch and are sleeping with their heads on the pillows of his couch.

Phil walks to his bedroom with Spike in tow and gets into bed, his eyes feeling extremely heavy and weighted. He’s not sure he can fight sleep any longer. He’s just shutting his eyes when his phone begins to vibrate and he picks it up and answers it with a mumble.

“Hey.”

It’s Dan’s voice.

Phil shoots up in bed and answers back. “Hey!”

“Did you watch Jimmy Fallon?” Dan asks.

“Of course I did.” Phil says. “I wouldn’t have missed it.”

“So you saw what I did?”

Phil nods, but then remembers Dan can’t see him. “Yeah, I did.”

“You’re okay with me saying we’re boyfriends?”

“I love it, Dan.” Phil says. “Nothing made me happier than hearing you say it.”

“Good.” Dan says. “Because I meant everything I said. You’re my boyfriend and I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I have to get going but I’ll text you tomorrow?”

Phil smiles and lays back down, shutting his eyes. “Okay.”

“Goodnight, Phil.”

Phil doesn’t answer because his eyes are already shut and his brain is already asleep, his phone laying limp in his hand and Dan laughing on the other side.

***

There is a loud crash that wakes Phil up sometime later. His body feels sluggish and his arm feels stiff from where he had slept on it and he feels a bit shaken up if he’s being honest.

What was that massive crash?

He gets up from the bed and notices Spike isn’t around. Phil figures he must have gone out into the living room sometime in the night…or morning? What time did he even go to bed last night? He feels hungover but he knows he isn’t.

He walks down the short hallway and comes into the living room to see Martyn and PJ both standing up in front of the couch and…

Dan is standing there too?!

Phil feels all breath leave his body as he walks closer. “Sorry for waking you both us.” Dan says. “It’s past noon and I figured Phil would be the only one here.”

“No, no, you’re fine!” Martyn stutters. “I need to get going anyway.”

PJ nods in agreement and then they’re both barreling around Dan and grabbing their things as they walk out of Phil’s flat. Phil feels a bit embarrassed by that entire ordeal. Plus, he’s a bit embarrassed at the mess. There are empty glasses, diet coke cans, and stale food sitting everywhere. He needs to clean but he doesn’t feel like he can right now.

“Hi.” Dan says, dropping his bag onto the floor as Spike immediately runs over to it to sniff it.

“Hi.”

“Surprise?”

Phil rushes over and gathers Dan in his arms as he picks him up and spins him around, Dan laughing and giggling like they’re young teenagers again. When he lets Dan down, Dan reaches up and presses his hands on Phil’s jaw as he moves forward and connect their lips.

It’s a bit messy, their teeth clacking, but Phil doesn’t care.

They eventually end up in bed together and it’s just as messy as the kissing but Phil just….doesn’t care anymore. He’ll never care as long as he has Dan again like this. Well, maybe not like this as he thrusts into him, but he definitely wants Dan in his life for the future.

There is just something about Dan that struck him when they first met all of that time ago at the BBC. There was something about Dan that made Phil feel things for him that he never would have imagined otherwise.

Dan’s smile, his beauty, and most importantly, himself. Everything about Dan was perfect and Phil wanted nothing more than to never let him go and leave him be. Maybe it’s too soon to think that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Dan, but he does.

He wants to marry him and maybe adopt another dog for Spike to play with. He wants to move in with Dan and eventually have a little child running around that they have to chase.

But he also wants right now. He wants to travel with Dan as he films and goes to shows. He wants to support Dan unconditionally and be with him through all of his inevitable ups and downs.

Dan cuddles onto Phil’s chest and Phil kisses the top of his head, his hair tickling his nose. He inhales Dan’s scent, memorizing it as he takes a deep breath.

“What are we going to do now?” Dan asks.

“Well, what are you going to be doing now?” Phil asks, looking down at him.

“I’m going to be beginning filming for Winnie the Pooh in a few weeks in England?” Dan says, a smile playing on his lips. “Care to join me?”

“Of course.” Phil says and Dan leans up, pressing a kiss tight on his lips. “But I have to do something first.”

Dan sits up and Phil turns on his side as he reaches for his phone. He looks through his contacts and clicks on the one that he needs and as soon as the person answers, he says the words he’s been wanting to say for a while.

“Louise, I quit.”

A year ago, if someone would have asked Phil where he was going to be, he’d have said still working at the BBC and barely making it. He’d say he’d have a dog and probably be so painfully single he’d consider extreme measures to try and find a partner.

But the world works in mysterious ways and there is something that’ll never quite settle with Phil. And as he looks down at Dan who is laying on his back, naked as the day he was born, with his phone in his head, he’ll never stop thinking about it.

He’ll never stop thinking about how the BBC brought Dan into his life over something as simple as forcing Phil to be an extra on the set. And now, nearly five months later, he’s convinced Dan is his soulmate.

Phil never fully understood what he wanted in life, but he’s realizing pretty quickly that he’s gotten everything he could have wanted and then some.


	29. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Three Years Later_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you guys know, this universe isn't closed! I'm going to continue to write one shots in this universe and I hope you all look forward to them :)

“We have time to go check out the Eiffel Tower if that’s something you want to do?”

Phil looks up from his phone where he was busy checking to see if his video posted correctly as he sits with Dan in his pop-up trailer somewhere in the middle of Paris. Dan had been filming here for his new movie for a few weeks now and Phil has actually really enjoyed his time in Paris with Dan.

He’d never been prior to this but yet again, majority of the places he’s had to go with Dan were places he hadn’t been prior to being with him either. But now, nearly three years later. he’s been to Shanghai, Tokyo, Melbourne, Manila, and even places in Europe he’d never ventured to.

But he’s been traveling with Dan and that’s something he’ll forever love to do.

They’re traveling more than they’re ever home in London, but Phil doesn’t entirely mind that. Spike is able to travel with them often but when they’re gone for a few weeks at a time, he goes to stay with Martyn and his girlfriend Cornelia and their new little newborn. Spike loves the baby more than he loves his toys and Phil feels pride swell in his heart when he sees Spike run up to the baby.

“I’m down for going to the Eiffel Tower.” Phil says with a smile.

Phil stands up from his chair and grabs his jacket from the back as he puts it on and feels the weight of the box in the pocket weighing heavy. He’s been wanting to do this for a long time, but it’s been difficult due to traveling. He honestly thought he would never find a good time but maybe…just maybe…now is a good time. They’d already placed their lock on the bridge and sealed it with a kiss.

As they walk out of Dan’s trailer and head down the street towards the Eiffel Tower, Phil feels grateful that the paparazzi doesn’t bother them much anymore. He guesses it is because they became old news when people figured out they weren’t breaking up and they also weren’t going to have a shotgun wedding like the Kardashians.

But Phil has welcomed the privacy. Sometimes they get bombarded but more often than not, the most they’ll get is a few fan notices that ask for a photo and they’ll happily give them one.

Phil’s channel on YouTube took off not long after he quit the BBC and he’s glad for that because he carried some heavy regret for a while that he did make a mistake quitting his stable job. But seeing everyone love his videos and love him and Dan together in such a domestic setting really helped them flourish and helped his channel gain nearly 20 million subscribers.

“It’s a bit chilly out,” Dan says, pulling the sides of his jacket over his torso in an attempt to keep a bit warm. “I hope that means not many people will be out.”

“Listen to what you just said.” Phil says with a smirk. “We’re at the Eiffel Tower.”

“Well, it could be dead.” Dan insists with a tongue in cheek laugh.

Phil wraps his arm around Dan’s waist and pulls his body close to his as they continue to make their way to the famous landmark.

Maybe it’s totally cheesy and totally cliche. Maybe proposing to Dan in front of the Eiffel Tower is peak that, but he honestly doesn’t see this moment as any other way. They take a small walkway into the park and they’re suddenly standing in front of the landmark with everyone else around, also taking photos.

They go largely unnoticed and they find a nice bench under a tree where they sit down for a few moments and Phil puts his hand on Dan’s thigh, just laying there as Dan covers his hand with his own and takes a deep breath.

Phil doesn’t feel like they’ve had a moment to breath in the last 3 years if he’s being honest. Dan has been so busy from awards shows to movie premieres to interviews, being on shows, and also working with various organizations and charities in the London and Los Angeles areas. Phil doesn’t feel like they’ve had a moment like this where they could just sit down with one another and take a deep breath.

“This is beautiful here.” Dan says. “Even if the grass is a bit yellow and dead.”

Phil lets out a snort and a nod of agreement. But that’s probably what they get for being in Paris in mid April.

“You want to know what’s beautiful?” Phil says, reaching up and stroking his thumb on Dan’s cheek.

Dan groans and rolls his eyes. “Don’t get cheesy on me, Lester. It’s gross.”

“It’s not gross.” Phil counters. “I just love you and there is something about being in Paris with the love of my life that brings out my cheesy, cliche side.”

“Mmm.” Dan hums as he leans forward and connects their lips. “Me too.”

“And I’d like to be a little bit more cliche.” Phil says, his words catching a bit in his throat as the nerves kick in.

Dan furrows his brows and Phil slides off the bench under the walkway and down onto one knee and suddenly people are staring at them. Dan’s eyes are wide and he’s breathing quite heavy but Phil is took focused on reaching into his pocket and not dropping the ring.

He pulls out the box and opens it up as he begins to speak the whole spiel he’d had planned since he’d known he wanted to propose but he’s stopped by Dan standing up and just nodding. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!”

“You don’t even know what I was asking?” Phil teases.

Dan lets out a watery laugh and Phil decides to say it.

“Will you marry me?”

Dan nods again and Phil stands up, wrapping Dan in the tightest hug as Dan cries into his shoulder and shakes. Phil feels himself tearing up as well as his arms roam over Dan’s back.

Dan pulls back and looks down between them as Phil takes out the ring from its holder and places it gently on Dan’s ring finger. It’s a bit snug but Dan just laughs it off and says that they can adjust it back home.

They share a long kiss, just the two of them in front of the Eiffel Tower. Dan’s ring glistens in the soft light of the sun and when he pulls back, Phil can’t stop staring at it on his finger.

“Do you like it?”

“Do I like―Phil! This ring is everything!” Dan cries. “Oh my God, it’s gorgeous! How did you find this?”

Phil thinks back about it. He remembers it so clearly.

They were filming a scene for Dan’s movie in Milan, Italy and Phil was wandering around the city while Dan was busy for the day. He’d come across a little jewelry store and he’d decided to walk inside just to see what he could find. Just an hour later, he had placed an order for the most perfect ring that he’d ever seen with the owners promise to have it to him in London in just six weeks.

That was almost a year ago.

So maybe Phil had been waiting patiently for the perfect time and really, it had taken a long time to get to this point. But he’s happy it happened now in the city of love with just the two of them.

“I want to post this on Instagram.” Dan says with a laugh as he wipes his eyes with the backs of his fingers. “Do you mind?”

Phil shakes his head. “No. Of course not.”

“Can you take a picture of me with the ring?” Dan asks. “I want to show it off.”

Dan blushes and Phil just smiles as he gets out his phone and opens up his camera. He snaps a few photos and then Dan ushers him over and they snap a few photos with each other.

They posted a lot of photos together on Instagram but never like this.

Dan posted the photos with the caption, “Guess what just happened” with the ring emoji and Phil just smiled brightly as he wrapped his arms around Dan and held him close.

Life has been like a fast moving train these last few years but he cannot wait to settle down and marry the love of his life…even if it takes another three years.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this fic, please consider going onto my Tumblr which is now @yiffandquiff and reblog this post! Also don’t forget to leave a comment and some kudos if you enjoyed it!


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